Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Bacon, a shitload
3lb Bone-In Chuck Blade Roast
1 large Yellow Onion, diced
1tbl Old Bay
1tbl Chili Powder
6-8 Garlic Cloves, minced
25oz Diced Tomatoes, with juice
15oz Tomato Sauce
6-8 Chipotle Peppers in Adobo, minced
Putting beans in meat chili is like french kissing a hooker; it's fucking disgusting. Only hippie vegetarians put beans in chili and that's only because they have no better alternative. What losers. Real chili is meat on meat, with more meat. The key, however, is using the right cuts.
Some people, stupid ones, use ground beef in chili. This has to be one of the dumbest ideas in the history of human civilization, besides "democracy" of course. That ground up garbage cooks in thirty seconds and after three hours of simmering it is completely obliterated and flavorless. The best meat to use is chuck roast as it is designed for slow simmering and tastes infinitely better. The more you know.
Get out a big ass pot and start cooking your bacon. Take out your chuck blade roast and cut it up into pieces. I ain't no professional meat slicing dude but I figured out the easiest way to cut it is along the marbling. Section it off and reserve the bones and large fat packs. Cut the remaining pieces into cubes that are a little bit larger than bite size as they will shrink. When the bacon is transparent, remove it from the pot, lightly brown the beef (including the bone and fat packs) in the bacon grease, and remove it from the pot.
Toss in your onion and spices. I always saute spices with onion and other shit. I'm not sure if it does anything but psychologically I think I am making them "fragrant." Whatever. If the pot is too dry at this point pour in a little vegetable oil. Add your garlic and stir that shit around for another minute. Throw in the tomato products, reserved meats, beer, and chipotle peppers. Lightly simmer uncovered for three hours, stirring occasionally. Don't forget to remove the bones and fat packs before serving, genius. Eat it.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
1 Pie Crust (handmade, you lazy sack of crap)
6oz Dark Chocolate
3/4c Heavy Cream
1 Egg, beaten
1-2 Habanero Peppers, minced
Sea Salt, for garnish
I love spicy chocolate like I love the junk in your mother's trunk. I was going to make strawberry chocolate mini pies but then I remembered I had a bunch of habanero peppers in the fridge that I needed to use. Don't ask. I made a spicy French Brownie a while ago but as we all know the habanero is a much more formidable opponent than measly red pepper chocolate. These will definitely inflict some serious chest burn but all good food does so suck it the fuck up, pansy.
Make the pie crust as directed in the post but add 1tbl sugar since this is a sweet pie. Roll it out, quarter it (i.e. slice it into four parts, genius), and form into your little ramekin things. Place them in the fridge while you prepare the filling.
Chop up the chocolate and place it in a large bowl. Pour the heavy cream into a small saucepan and bring it to a very slight boil over medium-low heat. You are not trying to cook it, just get it hot enough to melt the chocolate. If you ever read a recipe that says to "scald" your milk product, they obviously have their heads up their fucking asses. Scalding is an archaic technique that became obsolete after pasteurization. Sometimes you want to have milk products at room temperature but any and all scalding is completely unnecessary. Pour the hot cream over the chocolate, whisk them together, and mix in the remaining ingredients. Use one habanero if you are a total sissy but use two or more if you are a badass. I used eight peppers because I am just that hardcore.
Evenly pour the chocolate mixture into the pie crusts and bake them at 325 degrees for 40ish minutes until they puff up and solidify. Jiggle them a little to test their consistency. Garnish with sea salt and another habanero. Eat it.
Monday, June 20, 2011
In this edition of Funny Google Searches we continue our vain attempt to comprehend how fucked up some people really are. These are actual terms people searched via the Googles and found their way to my stupid website. Enjoy.
Guy Fieri Asshole - I hope this dude was not looking for pictures.
Salsa Asshole - And you thought it burned coming out.
Balls in Asshole - Maybe he meant "balls deep."
Cookingforassholes.com - Fucking moron.
Green Butt Bomber Recipe - It's a type of fly for fishing. Utterly disappointing.
I said I want tofu roll up on your ass. get straight - Um, okay.
www.cookingfor assholes.com - You have got to be fucking kidding me.
Ass Chicken Porn - Why watch it when you can do it yourself for $2.99 a pound?
Aunts Ass Fuck - Which is worse: Bestiality or incest?
Baby Cow Fuck - Animal pedophilia? That's a new one.
Banana in Ass Holes - This just seems normal now.
Big Dick Fucking Big Ass - Gotta stay consistent.
Carl Winslow Fan Page - This person searched from Google 1992 edition
City of Yakima Fucked - Basically.
Cobbler who was fuck by some schoolgirl in Ghana - That's quite a specific fetish.
Cooking blog + profanity + fuck - He stuck around for 10 minutes.
Cooking for Assholes is wonderful - Thank you, thank you.
Crab Pint Glasses Eat Me - Is there a term for that phobia?
Dumbass Cooking - Hey!
Facefucking how to - Seems pretty self-explanatory to me.
French way to fuck wife ass - Answer: use the ass of any wife but your own.
Fucking a baby cow - Again? Lord help us all.
Gay Hot Carl - I dare you to google image search this.
Guy Fieri Idiot - Yup
Guy Fieri is an Idiot - I see a theme developing here.
Hipster Cooking Website - I blocked this person's IP address.
How to Facefuck - I don't understand how this term is misleading in any way.
Is fish taco a euphemism for anything? - No, of course not.
Maryland blue crabs suck - Take that back!
Oldbigvagina - How did he know your Mother's nickname?
Plastic utensil melted in oil - Of course it did you dumb jackass.
Porn ass in chicken - How would that even work?
rv42002 - What the fuck?
sfresahlyfuckedshem,aleassholestoseeforfree - I sincerely hope this person was drunk.
Smores in my pussy - Interesting...
thehopandvine.com - Damn, people are fucking stupid.
Weiner is an ugly asshole - Six chicks on the interwebs think otherwise.
Why are assholes brown? - I'll give you one guess.
www.cookingforassholes/bogspot.com - Holy shit.
you can eat shit and fucking die - My sentiments exactly.
"Cooking Asshole" sucks donkey - Only that one time and I learned my lesson.
Snort powder line screen saver - Nothing like advertising your illicit drug use to your coworkers.
That does it for this edition of Funny Google Searches, a.k.a. People are fucking crazy. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
I was at the farmer's market this weekend and I stumbled upon buffalo tongue. Much to my surprise, a two pound tongue was only $4. Then I realized that all you stupid Americans have this ridiculous hang-up about eating the most delicious parts of the animal and therefore drive the prices down. Good. More for me you stupid fucking idiots! Offal is insanely underrated and so tasty it will smother your mother and make your sister think it loves her. Okay, I stole that last line from NWA but whatever...
Look at this fine specimen in all its glory! I decided to make tacos, at my feisty churro chiquita girlfriend's demand, and I immediately realized that this fucker needed to be cooked for a long ass time. The first step I had in mind, however, was to par-boil it to loosen the membrane for removal. This proved to be quite difficult.
I plunged the tongue into boiling water, with sea salt and a little white vinegar, for about a minute and then dropped it in a cold water bath in a vain effort to get the membrane to separate from the meat. It didn't work. I boiled it again for five minutes and then submerged it in an ice water bath. It didn't work. Then I said "fuck it" and moved onwards.
Most people, since they are morons, simmer the tongue in water for three hours and then slice it up. This seems like the worst possible way to cook tongue, or anything else for that matter, so I decided to do my own thing, as usual. First I mixed 1tbl chili powder, 1tbl paprika, 2tsp cumin, 2tsp oregano, 1tsp coriander, and 1tsp cayenne in a small bowl. Then, I cut a white onion into eighths and layered it with a few cloves of minced garlic on the bottom of a heavy casserole dish. I poured in the rest of my IPA, about ten ounces, a cup of water, smothered the tongue in my spice mixture, and placed that bitch on top.
I covered it and threw it in a 225 degree oven for three hours. Then I raised the temperature to 250 degrees and let it cook for another three hours. After that, I removed the heavy cover and replaced it with a loose tin foil cover and let it cook for another hour and forty-five minutes. Yes, that's right. I cooked this motherfucker for seven hours and forty-five minutes but it was the best goddamn tongue I have ever had in my life and I have had a lot of tongue, in lots of different places. Oh yeah, I also flipped it every hour, just like your mother.
Here is the fruit of my labor. The membrane would still not peel off so I thinly sliced it widthwise and then sliced the membrane off each piece. It was a bitch to do but it was worth it. Then I fried up some corn tortillas in vegetable oil and topped the tongue with diced jalapeno, onion, and cilantro. So fucking good. The only better tacos in this world are cabeza tacos but I have not found a whole cow head to cook down, yet. Eat it.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
I picked up this package of udon noodles and the whole fucking thing was written in that incomprehensible chickenscratch they call a language except this small sticker on the back. Take note of the first ingredient: Unbreached flour. Thank God. I fucking hate it when my flour is breached. I have never ventured down this particular noodre road before so this should be interesting to say the least.
I decided to cook the noodres and then top them with a stir fry. Since the manufacturer's instructions were illegible, I just eyeballed it. They only took about five minutes to cook, to my surprise, and they flowed with the boiling water in an improvisational yet seemingly choreographed psychedelic dance. Kind of like that screen saver you have from 1997. Drain, rinse, and set aside.
The stir fry is the garbage disposal of Asian cuisine. Just take whatever is in your fridge, throw it in a pot, and stir that shit around for a few minutes. I had beef, shrimp, snap peas, red pepper, mushrooms, garlic, and onion. I don't even think they have red pepper in Japan but whatever. They would probably go nuts over it like they do with orange juice. I also tossed in some Asian crap I had laying around: rice vinegar (that has to be Asian since it has rice in it), mirin (sweetened sake), and Oyster Stout (that's kind of like oyster sauce, right?).
Not too bad for my first shot at it. I know some idiot is going to come around here and profess their religion of woks. Fuck woks. They are for self-loathing Americans who take yoga, improperly meditate, practice the scam of feng shui, and claim to be buddhist. I'm sorry mommy didn't hug you enough and now you have to pretend to be something you're not. Since eastern shit is so fucking awesome why don't you move to North Korea, dickheads! If you are going down that eastern road at least be a fake Daoist. It's less stupid but still pretty dumb nonetheless. Wait, how did this become about India, China, and North Korea? Anyway, the Japanese are badass. Any place that has used panty and beer vending machines is okay by me. That's a solid Tuesday night right there. Eat it.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Since I am super lazy and I don't feel like making shit, enjoy this clip show of super old posts I don't even remember writing. These are all from back in 2009 when my writing sucked and my recipes were lame as hell. Not too much has changed over the years...