Friday, July 29, 2011

Kitchen Sink Salsa

(Not Pictured: Mr. White Onion)

I had this big ass steak in the fridge with my name written all over it but I needed some kind of accompaniment. As previously discussed, a nice steak only needs a little salt & pepper and a quick sear. The best way to enhance said steak is to serve it with a little condiment on the side. I found all this crap hanging around, put it together, and made a pretty killer salsa type thingamajigger. "Where did you get the recipe?" Are you not fucking listening? I just throw shit in a bowl I think would taste good together. It's that easy. The only time I follow instructions is when I buy furniture from IKEA. I learned that lesson the hard way.


I shucked the corn and tossed it in a 400 degree oven for twenty-something minutes, maybe longer. This would have been much better if I pulled back the husk, ripped out all that stringy crap, re-husked it, and grilled it but whatever. Then I roasted the poblano peppers over a gas burner until they were completely black and wiped them clean. If you don't have a gas range, an electric broiler works just fine. Everything else I just diced and dumped in a bowl. Add the cilantro, lime, and extra virgin olive oil last so you have a better visual picture of how much to use. Place beside bloody steak. Eat it.

Fuck All of You III

Recently a bunch of you idiots have been bothering the hell out of me and complaining about how I should post recipes more often. I'm sorry, let me refund your monthly payment since you are obviously unsatisfied as a customer. Oh wait, you don't pay shit. You have the immense privilege of reading years of my work for free and you still bitch? This is what is wrong with America. Why don't you write some fucking garbage to entertain me for once? Wait, I take that back. The last thing I need to read is what shenanigans your six cats got into today accompanied by video updates. I'm sorry you don't know what the fuck you're doing with your sad pathetic life and you need me to hold your dick while you piss and wipe your ass after you shit. I'm not your goddamn mother and I certainly couldn't care less about your wellbeing. I also don't have five different strains of syphilis. I'm tired of your demanding bullshit; don't fucking tell me what to do. Leave me the fuck alone and I'll post recipes whenever the fuck I feel like it.

P.S. New recipes coming soon!!!! Stay posted!!!!!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Vinegar Based BBQ Sauce


As you stupid fucks may remember, I made a tomato based BBQ sauce a long ass time ago but today we are going to learn the art of the vinegar based BBQ sauce. Furthermore, this post will be a schooling in improvisation since you dumb jackasses can't think for yourselves.

I developed an amazing vinegar BBQ sauce recipe a while ago but the other day I made pulled pork and didn't have all the ingredients for the sauce. "Oh, you must have been so embarrassed and given up immediately!" Sorry, I'm not a giant fucking sissy like you. I utilized the ingredients at my disposal and it ended up being just as good. The moral of the story? Don't follow any bullshit jacked up recipe and use your pea-sized dinosaur brain for once.

Original Recipe:
1tbl Butter
1/2 White Onion, minced
1c Cider Vinegar
1/2c White Vinegar
2/3c Ketchup (don't judge, bitch)
1/2c Water
1tsp White Sugar
1tsp Brown Sugar
1tsp Salt
1tsp Pepper
1/2tsp Cayenne

Soften the onion in the butter and dump in all the other crap. Boil, simmer, and reduce for 30 minutes. Done.

Improv Recipe:
2tbl Butter
1/2 White Onion, Minced
3 Garlic Cloves, Minced
1c Rice Vinegar
1/2c White Vinegar
2/3c Tomato Sauce
1/2c Water
1.5tbl White Sugar
3tbl Brown Sugar
1tsp Molasses
1tsp Old Bay
1tsp Salt
1tsp Pepper
1/2tsp Cayenne

Soften the onion and garlic in the butter. Dump in all the other crap. Boil, simmer, and reduce for 30 minutes. Done.

Fucking get it? Eat it.