Pig Ear and Neck Sandwiches OR Why the Nose to Tail Movement is Bullshit

5 Pig Ears

2lb Pork Neck Bones, meaty

1 White Onion, sliced

2 Jalapeno Peppers, wheeled

5 Whole Garlic Cloves, Peeled

2tbl Old Bay

1tbl Paprika

1tbl Chili Powder

2tsp Oregano

2tsp Cumin

1/4c White Vinegar

2c Vegetable Broth

Water, lots

Vinegar Based Coleslaw, optional

OR

Mustard, brown

Shitty White Buns

I love eating new and different sections of animals. They are super tasty (for the most part) and incredibly cheap because stupid Americans like you have a stick up their ass and refuse to consume them. Recently a self-proclaimed "movement" has emerged in the hipster food world called "Nose to Tail." These pretentious dickheads utilize every part of the animal and think they are goddamn pioneers. It's not a movement you idiotic jackasses. People have been eating every part of the animal since the dawn of man. You think you're so fucking special because you finally stopping being a prudish jackass? Congratulations on pulling your head out of your ass. Here is your fucking Nobel Prize. I hope you feel better about yourself.

Walk into any serious "ethnic" market and you will be presented with animal parts you didn't even know existed. Every third product will make you ask out-loud, "Wait, you can eat that?" Yes you can. You can eat just about everything but all you dumb Americans freak out about it while cramming hot dogs, McRibs, and chicken nuggets in your stupid fat faces. Also, everything at these markets is so fucking cheap it makes WinCo look like Whole Foods. The seafood counter at the Mexican market where I procured the pig parts was offering five pounds of live crab for eight dollars. Rest assured I will be back later this week for some serious crab action.

Place the ears in a bowl and fill with water. Shake them around, dump out the water, and repeat until the water stops turning murky. My ears were cleaned pretty damn well but if there is any hair or gristle, cut it off. Set aside.

Brown the meaty neck bones in a big ass pot and then dump in everything else. Use as little water as possible but make sure everything is covered. Lightly simmer for about two hours. Pull all the shit out of the pot to put on your sandwich and save the liquid for some other dish. Pull the neck meat off the vertebrae, dice up the pig ear, and mix them together. If you desire a crispy texture, pan sear the meat right before serving. Top with vinegar based coleslaw or just a little mustard as I did. Eat it.

Hurricane: The Drink

By now you are probably all sick and fucking tired with the inundation of all things hurricane. "Hell yes." Well that's too goddamn bad because now you have to read this, suckers. Last night, while I rode out the most fearsome and destructive hurricane to hit North America since Whitey showed up, I created my own version of The Hurricane while only listening to songs with the name hurricane in the title or at least a strong storm theme. I took a few creative liberties with the drink and came up with something pretty damn good.

First I substituted bourbon for rum because bourbon is way better. Then I took all the fruit juices and sugar syrups and threw them in the trash. Finally I added some ice cubes to the bourbon. Best hurricane recipe ever. Drink it.

Stoned Beans

8oz Salt Pork, coarsely chopped

1 White Onion, diced

1 Jalapeno, diced

2c Tomato Based BBQ Sauce, chipotle variation

1c Brown Sugar

1/3c White Vinegar

Large Squirt of Dijon Mustard

5c Great Northern Beans

This is the best baked beans recipe you will ever find. "Why?" Because I fucking made it, dumbass, that's why. No stupid talking dogs or secret recipes here folks. This is the real deal.

The crappy recipes, most all of them, call for bacon or canned baked beans. "No bacon?!? Blasphemy!" Would you let me fucking finish, Jesus. As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, using bacon is dumb as hell. A dish such as this should, nay, must start with salt pork as it is way fattier and better suited for slow cooking. Anyone who uses bacon is a moron. For those people who use canned baked beans as the base of their baked beans recipe, you are all fucking idiots. We are creating a dish, not embellishing a processed canned product. This is almost as bad as starting a BBQ sauce recipe with "one bottle of BBQ sauce." Almost.

Toss the salt pork in a large dish that is suitable for both the stovetop and the oven. Stir that shit around over medium-low heat until the fat starts melting. Throw in the onion, saute until it looses its firmness, and add the jalapeno for another few minutes. Remove the dish from heat and dump in all the other crap. "How do I make the chipotle version of your BBQ sauce?" Gee, let me think for a minute. Well, you might try adding some fucking chipotle. You want me to stand behind you and make your arms move while you cook too? "Can I add some beer or bourbon so I can sound cool in front of my friends?" First off, your wife's co-workers are not your friends. Second, sure you can but it will not taste any different and you will waste good booze. Just drink it and say you put it in the beans.

Bake that bitch at 300 degrees for three and a half hours, stirring every hour. If you don't make your own BBQ sauce this dish will suck shit. It will take a while but it will be in perfect tandem with that huge pork shoulder slow cooking on the grill. Eat it.

Tunatato Mini Casseroles

After indulging in some serious Five Guy's action, I was left with a metric fuckton of cajun fries. At first I thought of using them for a potato quiche crust but then I was presented with a shitdickload of tuna salad so I came up with a way to use them both: Tunatato Mini Casseroles.

Mash up all the fries and press a layer into the ramekins. Cram in a bunch of tuna salad and top with remaining mashed fries and grated cheddar cheese. Bake them at 350 degrees for like 40 minutes or whatever. Garnish with un-mashed fries to make it all pretty and shit.

Lick my ass, crappy tuna melt. There's a new sheriff in town. Eat it.

She-Crab Soup

3tbl Butter

2tbl Flour

3c Whole Milk

1/2 White Onion, minced

1.5tsp Old Bay

Lemon Zest, a teeny tiny bit

The Meat from Five Blue Crabs

The Roe from Two Blue Crabs

Parsley, for a pretty garnish

A few of the crabs I picked up yesterday were female (you can tell because the backfin thingy is super wide) and when I cracked them open there was a ton of hard bright orange shit. "Gross! Did you just throw it away as quickly as possible without finding out what it was?" No, you fucking moron. Since I have a brain and choose to use it, I guessed that these were the eggs and after a little webernets sleuthing it turns out I was right. Big surprise. Crab roe can be consumed raw but just about everyone on the eastern seaboard makes soup out of it. For lack of any better idea, so did I.

Make a roux with the butter and flour over low heat. Slowly drizzle in the milk while constantly whisking. Cook over low heat until the milk thickens up a little bit. This will take a while but be sure not to let it boil. Add the onion, Old Bay, and lemon zest. Lemon can be your best friend or your worst enemy so be very careful how much you use. At the end dump in the roe and crab meat and only cook it long enough to bring it to the same temperature as the soup. Traditionally, people add a splash of sherry after putting the soup in a bowl. Fuck sherry. Feel free, however, to splash a vinegar based hot sauce like Crystal or Trappey's on top. Eat it.

Cell Block C Lamb Shanks

2 Lamb Shanks

4 Red Potatoes, cut into large chunks

1 Fennel Bulb, sliced

4 Garlic Cloves, minced

1 Sprig of Rosemary

1 1/2c Red Wine

1 1/2c Beef/Veal Broth

This cut of lamb (the upper leg where it meets the shoulder) is called a shank because you can whittle the bone against the corner of a concrete wall to make a shiv so you can shank the motherfucker who stole your pudding. Better watch your back on the exercise yard, bitch. No one takes my pudding without a subsequent trip to the nurse's station.

Get out your Le Creuset, brown the shanks on all sides, and remove from the pot. Reserve the blood and place it over your cell door to ward off that dickhead Angel of Death. Toss in the potatoes and fennel and stir that shit around for a minute before you add the garlic. Once the garlic is slightly fragrant, throw in the rosemary and liquids, return the shanks to the pot, cover, and place in a 300 degree oven for like three hours or something. I didn't really keep track. Just cook it until it is done, genius. Garnish with a pretty fennel frond. Eat it.

Crab Fusillata OR How Not to Shop Like an Idiot

1/4c Butter

2tbl Flour

2tsp Old Bay

3/4c Dry White Wine

2 Garlic Cloves, minced

Whole Steamed Crab, as much as you please

1 Package Fusillata, or whatever kind you have on hand

Asparagus, pan fried or roasted

Today I scored over a dozen crabs at the farmer's market for five dollars. "How the fuck did you do that?" Shut your goddamn mouth for a second and I will explain it, you impatient jackass. I arrived at the market a half hour before closing and casually strolled by my favorite fish monger to see what they had available. At that time the crabs were a dollar each which is not too bad considering Whole Foods charges two fifty.

Side note: if you shop at Whole Foods you are a fucking dumbass and you deserve to have your money taken from you. The old adage "you get what you pay for" only applies to stupid dickheads who don't know any better, like you. The smartest way to shop is purchase your secondary ingredients at the megamart and your primary ingredients at the farmer's market or local specialty grocer.

To continue, I decided to move on and peruse other vendors at the market knowing full well that right before closing the fish monger would mark everything down drastically in order to liquidate their inventory. I returned a few minutes later to find bags of six or more crabs for four dollars each. I asked if they would give me two for five and they reluctantly acquiesced. Then I asked if they could break a hundred dollar bill just to fuck with them. I can see the blood vessels burst in their foreheads every time I walk up to their stand.

Melt the butter over the lowest heat possible and then stir in the flour and Old Bay for a few minutes until it no longer tastes like raw flour. Should take about a minute or two of constant stirring. Add the wine and garlic and stir until thickened and all the booze has cooked off. Pour it over the crab and completely combine. Turn in the pasta and garnish with the asparagus. Eat it.

Boozicles II: Three Way Candy Stout

Following the incredible success of my first attempt at Boozicles, I traveled great distances in oppressive weather to procure a real popsicle mold. When I came across one in the shape of rocketpops perched alone on the shelf, I knew it was destined for my ill-conceived projects.

After careful consideration, I decided to glutton it up a bit and get rid of the stupid crappy "healthy" bullshit. No more fresh fruit and sissy sparkling rose for this guy. I picked up a six pack of stout, a shitload of candy, and made me some decadent ass Boozicles. Welcome to fucking America, bitches.

I made three different candy stout boozicles: Reese's Cup, Kit Kat, and York. Freeze the candy and dice it up into tiny pieces. Fill the tip of each Boozicle with the diced candy and pour in the stout until halfway full. Freeze them until mushy and repeat. This method ensures proper layering. When they are completely frozen, pull out, and put those skyrockets in flight. Lick it.

Southwestern Fried Chicken

I don't even know if they have fried chicken in the southwest but I don't give a shit and I'm to go call it that anyway. How do you make it? Mix a bunch of "southwestern-y" spices into the flour before you dredge the chicken, genius. Not that fucking hard. Eat it.

Nectarine, Raspberry, and Rosato Boozicles

I picked up a bunch of nectarines and raspberries at the store the other day and my first idea was to make some sort of mini pie or cobbler but I reminded myself it was hot as fuck outside and quickly got the bright idea to make popsicles. Apparently a popsicle tray is harder to find in this town than a contraceptive at the Vatican so I had to improvise: Dixie cups and plastic spoons. My idol Martha Stewart would be proud.

What could possibly make fruit popsicles better? Booze. I harkened back to the time I threw a bottle of champagne in the freezer to accelerate its chilling. It subsequently exploded creating an enormous mess. Luckily I was at an idiot friend's party so I just left because I sure as fuck didn't want to clean that shit up. The moral of the story is that champagne freezes but I took it one step further and decided to use a sparkling rose to enhance my popsicles.

Dice up two big ass nectarines, two white nectarines, and toss them in a food processor with 1c of raspberries. Pulse until smooth and pour into a large bowl. Gradually stir in 1.5c sparkling rose until completely combined. Fill up the cups and stick in a spoon. Freeze.

Since there is no heat involved, these popsicles still contain alcohol. They are therefore a fantastic treat for the kiddos on a hot summer afternoon. All kidding aside, this opens up a whole new world of booze popsicles that I intend to explore ad nauseum. Eat it.

Baked Hot Dogs

The worst part about cooking and writing about it is that every idiot you come across tries to tell you what to make and/or write about. Have a brilliant creative idea? Keep it to your fucking self, stop bothering me, and do your own thing. Once in a disease free hooker, however, someone actually has a rare display of sagacity and I take note. I was talking with this old southern dude the other day and he was describing to me how his grandmother made baked hot dogs. She obviously remembered the Great Depression like it happened the day before. If I had been totally baked at the time it would have seemed like a good idea; so I got lifted and made the stupid baked hot dogs.

The general idea is to cook some hot dogs, plop down your favorite toppings and bake the whole fucking thing at 375 degrees for 8.25 minutes. I pan fried two dogs, sliced them lengthwise, and placed them in some buns slathered with chipotle adobo. I topped them with jalapeno, tomato, white onion, and cheddar. You can do whatever the fuck you want; I don’t give a shit. Just make sure the buns are not touching the sides of the dish or each other so they get nice and crispy. These bad boys could only be better if they were wrapped in bacon and served by a mermaid riding a unicorn in an enchanted forest. Now if you will excuse me, this second doobie ain’t gonna smoke itself. Eat it.