Blumpkin Pie

1 Pie Pumpkin

1/2c Blue Cheese, crumbled

1/2c Pecans, crumbled

1/2c Brown Sugar

1/4c Heavy Cream

2 Eggs, beaten

2tbl Fresh Thyme

Salt

I have made a buttload of pumpkin pies in the past but the Blumpkin Pie is the most pleasurable experience I have had in a long time. “Holy shit that piece of pie is huge! It totally dwarfs that pumpkin!” First, you are a fucking idiot; the pumpkin in the picture is the size of my fist. Second, that statement is totally insensitive; those people would prefer you say “it totally midgets that pumpkin.” Dickhead.  

Most people turn their delicious savory pumpkin into a goddamn sugar bomb; this is stupid. Doesn’t it make sense to channel the original flavor of the ingredient in question into the final product? I decided to mix blue cheese, pecans, fresh thyme, and brown sugar into fresh pumpkin as a sweet and savory pie experiment. It should come as no surprise that I fucking rocked the shit out of it, per usual.

Find one of those little pie pumpkins at the store. You can use a carving pumpkin but your entire family will laugh their asses off and make fun of you for the rest of your sad pathetic life because it will taste like garbage. Oops, I mean, only use a carving pumpkin; those pie pumpkins don’t work for pies.

Half the pumpkin lengthwise, scoop out all the stringy shit and seeds, cut the halves in half, place them skin side up in a casserole dish, cover, and bake at 400 degrees for about 40 minutes. They are done when a fork can be inserted into the flesh with ease. When they cool down a little, remove the skin and puree the goo with an immersion blender. I only used a little over half my pumpkin and I just threw the rest in the fridge for future use.

Add all the other crap to the pumpkin and pour it into a pie crust. Bake it at 350 degrees for about 55 minutes. Start checking it at 40 minutes as it may need a tin foil tent to prevent excess doo doo browning. Let it cool completely.

Dig in with your hands and smear that Blumpkin Pie all over your face. Since it contains cheese, store the pie in the fridge or else your next Blumpkin Pie will lack the same structural integrity. Eat it.   

Brussels Sprout and Sardine Salad

Brussels Sprouts

Red Onion, sliced

Sardines in Mustard, canned

Roasted Garlic (break the head into cloves, oil, baking sheet, 375deg ~20min)

Sea Salt & Black Pepper

Like just about everyone else in this godforsaken world, I fucking hate mushy Brussels sprouts. I have tried various methods of preparation and roasting is by far and away the superior technique. The other day, however, I was making my world famous Roasted Brussels Sprouts and made a surprising discovery. While slicing those bad boys in half, I happened to pull off a leaf and taste it just for shits and giggles. Shockingly, Brussels sprouts taste fantastic raw. The moral of the story here is that you should be putting more shit in your mouth.

Cut the node off the Brussels sprouts, halve them, carve out the core, pull all the leaves apart, and toss with the red onion. Toss that salad, gently and sensuously. Plate it up and add a few sardines and garlic cloves in a decorative manner with a drizzle of the mustard sauce. If you want to be super fancy like me you can mince some red onion, mash it up with a few sardines, cram it into a small dish or cup (I used an espresso cup), and plop it down on top. It looks cool and fools people into thinking you know what you are doing without them seeing right through you. 

If you want to be super-duper fancy you can plate it Muse-Douche style. The problem with this method is that everyone will immediately realize you are an insecure pretentious prick who desperately seeks attention and approval. This will become abundantly clear once you start asking your guests how they like the food and then offering a multitude of excuses for why it is barely palatable before they even have a chance to answer you. “Well, I thought it was pretty good but you have done an excellent job convincing me that it sucks shit.” Eat it.