Pork Loaf

1 Yellow Onion, diced

4 Garlic Cloves, minced

3 Large Red Potatoes, grated and pressed

1tsp Smoked Paprika

1tsp Chili Powder

1tsp Old Bay

2c Jack Cheese

1.5lbs Ground Pork

3/4c Killer Koffee Ketchup, plus more for topping

1/3 Salt Pork, diced

1/3 Stale Baguette, diced

2 Eggs

A veritable orgasm of flavors will burst into your salivating mouth when you try my thick and juicy pork loaf. Just one loaf is capable of impregnating an entire city. There will be hybrid loaf-humans for a few generations but then the loafs will take over and treat humans as second-class citizens like we do to the gingers. Luckily as the loaf’s creator I will be their immortal Grand Overload. My first action of office will be to enslave humanity and force them to work in loaf factories. You better start practicing.     

Saute the onion, garlic and potatoes for a few minutes. Add the spices and stir it around for another minute or two. Set aside to cool.  Mash the remaining ingredients together and then dump in the onion/potato mixture. Cram all that mixed up crap into a bread loaf pyrex and smother the top with more Killer Koffee Ketchup.

Bake that bitch at 350 degrees for a little over an hour. Let it cool and flip it over to make it look extra loafy. Now you are ready for your newly assigned occupation, Loaf Maker #930621. Eat it. 

Cranberry & Jalapeno Apple Pie

2 Pie Crusts

2c Fresh Cranberries

1/2 Large Jalapeno, diced

1c Orange Juice

1/2c Brown Sugar

1tbl cornstarch

Salt

~2lbs Pink Lady Apples, skinned cored and sliced

1/2c Brown Sugar

2tsp Cornstarch

1tsp Saigon Cassia Cinnamon

1/4tsp Allspice

1/4tsp Salt

I was going to make a pumpkin apple pie for Thanksgiving but then I was talking to this random dude about unique pie combinations and allegedly his wife had made a cranberry and jalapeno apple pie. He said she didn’t use a recipe and just came up with the idea one day. I told him that was brilliant and I am stealing it. Rather than throw everything in a bowl and mix it together, I decided to take a more calculated approach. I’m glad I did.

Dump the cranberries and jalapeno in a food processor, pulse the living shit out of them, and scrape them out into a small pot. Stir in the orange juice, brown sugar, and cornstarch. Simmer over low heat until thickened; this will take a fair amount of time. While that crap is going, cut up your apples and toss them with the remaining ingredients.

Fill one pie crust with the apples, pour the cooled cranberry jalapeno mixture over them, and top the whole thing with another pie crust. Crimp the edges to seal it and cut some vent holes. “Mine is a complete mess and it keeps falling apart! I followed your instructions exactly. What the hell?” This is obviously a case of user error. Did you place the first pie crust in a pie pan? “No, you didn’t tell me to.” Holy shit. Do you need me to hold your fucking hand and explain every little detail to you while we make this pie? “It couldn’t hurt.” Oh yes it could.

Bake the pie at 375 degrees for about an hour. Check it after 45 minutes to see if you need to lightly cover it with a tin foil tent so the top doesn’t burn. Let it cool for at least four hours. Bring this pie to your family’s Thanksgiving dinner and maybe they will not even remember that you blacked out and pissed in Aunt Gertrude’s closet last year. That’s the best you can hope for. No one will ever forget “Mescaline Christmas" when you smeared war paint all over your naked body and started screaming at the neighbors while brandishing a shotgun. The trial doesn’t even start until next month. Eat it.

Gluten Free Breakfast

Yeah fucking right. As a gluten enthusiast and fanatic, I can’t even envision a world without the magical wonder of such a protein composite. I bet all those hypochondriacs who vainly attempt to purge gluten from their diet don’t even understand why. They were probably just told by their voodoo holistic armchair doctor that it is a “toxin” and needs to be “flushed” in order to feel at one with the Buddha. What’s next? Don’t tell me people are going to stop eating carbs, or god forbid red meat. I’ll stick to stuffing my face with whatever the hell I want and not following some ridiculous hippie fad.  

Oh yeah, I made this breakfast sandwich. It is comprised of fresh off the leg prosciutto di parma, two over easy eggs, mascarpone, a light drizzle of olive oil and freshly cracked black pepper on a delicious super-extra gluten ciabatta roll. Eat it.  

ThrillistPDX: Leftover Turkey Buffins

The wonderful people over at ThrillistPDX approached me and asked me to come up with a creative leftover turkey recipe that even rubes like you could make. I wrote a short piece, took a beautiful picture, and then they edited all the awesome out of it! Maybe I’m not as funny as I think I am; maybe they realized the world is just not ready for my genius; maybe they ran out of room. Whatever the reason might be, here is the recipe in its entirety for your reading enjoyment:

Bisquick, Jiffy, or whatever crappy biscuit mix you use since you can’t cook for shit

Leftover Turkey

Leftover Stuffing

Leftover Cranberry Sauce

You have a shitdickload of leftovers from Thanksgiving since once again you and your trashy family got so loaded you couldn’t even eat. What do you do? You could make a stupid fucking sandwich like every other idiot in the country, or you could grow a brain. Biscuits are awesome and chicks go nuts over anything that comes out of a muffin tin so let’s make some goddamn Turkey Buffins.

Make your biscuit mix according to manufacturer’s instructions. Grease a muffin tin with butter, form the dough into cups and place in each section. Fill each section with the turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sauce. Shit, throw in some fucking green bean casserole too. Why the hell not?  Cover each section with the remaining dough and pinch them closed. Bake them according to the instructions on the biscuit mix box. Eat it.

Editor’s note: A sincere thanks to ThrillistPDX for asking me to do this and then even publishing anything at all. Having my “recipe” in betwixt recipes from three real chefs is truly an honor. Thanks again.   

Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies

I just made my classic peanut butter cookies and added a cup of chocolate chips. Not fucking rocket surgery. Just don’t use the peanut butter you smeared all over your dick in a pitiful attempt to get the neighbor's dog to give you a hummer. Eat it.

Killer Koffee Ketchup

1/2 White Onion, minced

5 Cloves of Garlic, Minced

1tbl Chili Powder

1tsp Cumin, your mouth

1/2tsp Cayenne

6oz Tomato Paste

1 1/2c Coffee, the liquid and not the grinds you moron

1c Diced Tomatoes, with juice

1/3c Brown Sugar

1/4c White Vinegar

1/4c Cider Vinegar

1tbl Molasses

1tsp Kosher Salt

What a great name for ketchup; I can’t believe no one has come up with it yet. It even has a sweet acrony…oh fuck. Whoops. I’m going to get some angry emails over this one. It has brown sugar and black coffee in it! Okay, lets change the name to Crazy Coffee Catsup Project. That’s better, right? Wait, goddamn it! Well, at least it’s a little better now.

I wanted to make some ketchup for a meatloaf concept I have and after developing the recipe on paper it ended up looking a lot like a mix between my Vinegar Based BBQ Sauce and my Tomato Based BBQ Sauce. Oh well, fuck it. Here is another BBQ sauce recipe; ketchup sucks anyway.

Sauté the onion in some oil over medium heat until fragrant. Add the garlic and spices and stir that shit around for a minute or two. Dump in the remaining ingredients and lightly simmer uncovered for about two hours. Let it cool, pour it into a food processor, and pulse the fuck out of that bitch. Scoop the “ketchup” into a mason jar and let it sit in the fridge overnight for optimal flavor experience. Eat it. 

Winter Roast

2lb Cross Rib Roast

1c Vegetable or Beef Broth

1 1/2c Dry Red Wine

1/2 Yellow Onion, sliced

4 Cloves of Garlic, minced

1tbl Dijon Mustard

1tsp Herbs de Provence

Salt & Pepper

2 Rutabagas, peeled and chopped

2 Turnips, peeled and chopped

3 Parsnips, peeled and chopped

4 Carrots, peeled and chopped

5 Red Potatoes, chopped

8 Sprigs of Fresh Thyme

Salt & Pepper

This year I decided to make a winter roast with the hippie root vegetables I shunned last year and they actually turned out really well.  “Hey genius! I hate to break it to you but it is not technically winter yet.” Holy fuck. You think I give a shit? Well guess what? It is goddamned winter now you prescriptivist prick. “Why?” Because I fucking said so, bitch. As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, these weirdo roots were pretty darn good with the exception of the rutabaga. That poor bastard tastes like sweet potato and sweet potatoes fucking blow.

Mix all the marinade ingredients and soak the beef for eight hours. In the fridge, stupid.

Take the remaining ingredients and toss them with a little vegetable oil. Place them in a super large casserole/baking dish, cover with tin foil, and roast at 425 degrees for a little over an hour.

Pull the beef out of the marinade and quickly sear it over high heat to make it look pretty. Turn the oven down to 225 degrees, remove the tin foil from the vegetables, and place the beef on top. Cook it for another two hours. A fork should easily pierce the vegetables and the beef should be at exactly 140 degrees if you are a pussy and need to use a meat thermometer. Let the beef sit for ten minutes before you start slicing it. Eat it.   

The World’s Best Clam Chowder II

2lb Manila Clams, live

3tbl Butter

7 Red Potatoes, diced into tiny chunks

1 Yellow Onion, diced

1tbl Old Bay

5tbl Flour

1 1/2c Dry White Wine

2c Whole Milk

1c Heavy Cream

Bay Leaf

About a year and a half ago I made The World’s Best Clam Chowder. Even though it kicked the collective ass of every other clam chowder in the history of the universe, I somehow figured out how to make it even better. My only competition is myself and I always win. Conversely, I guess that means I always lose too. Either way, this clam chowder is creamier and more comforting than a lactating angel’s teat.

Soak your clams in a bowl of water to clean them. If the water starts getting nasty, dump it out and refill it. If there are any broken clams or open ones that are unresponsive do not cook them because you will probably die and then your idiot family will spend the rest of their days clogging up our court system in a vain attempt to cash in on your stupidity.

Steam your clams until they fully pop which should take around ten minutes. “How do I steam the clams? Should I use my clothes iron to press down on them while pushing the steam button?” Yeah, sure. Then you can use your fucking vibrator to stir the chowder. Put a steaming basket (it’s the circular folding thing with holes that resembles an alien spacecraft) in a large pot, fill it with water to just under the basket, boil the water, dump in the clams, and cover the pot. When they pop open remove the meat from the shells and set aside.

Melt the butter over medium to medium-low heat and sauté the potatoes, onion, and Old Bay until softened. This will take a while. Stir in one tablespoon of flour at a time until fully incorporated. Cook it in for a minute and then pour in the wine. I was going to do half wine and half clam juice but the button was popped on my clam juice and I’m not about to fuck with that shit. Stir it around for a minute and add the milk, cream, and bay leaf. Bring it to a slight simmer, reduce for little bit, dump in the clam meat, and remove from heat. The clams are already cooked and you don’t want them to have the consistency of silly putty so be careful. Let the chowder cool completely, slowly warm it back up on the stovetop, and serve with some of that Frenchie bread. Eat it.

A Very Gouda Mac and Cheese

1lb Rigatoni, cooked according to manufacturer’s instructions

4tbl Butter

½ Yellow Onion, chopped

1/2tsp Smoked Paprika

1c Whole Milk, not that watered down crap

1c Heavy Cream

1/4tsp Kosher Salt

.4lbs Goat Gouda, grated

.4lbs Parrano Gouda, grated

.4lbs Aged Gouda, grated

Breadcrumbs

Thank God for commonly mispronounced foreign words or else I wouldn't be able to write things like “Oh my Goud-a” and “this is one gouda dish!” And so on and so forth ad nauseum. “Those puns brie terrible, munster.” Bleu me, Monterey Jackass.

Melt the butter over medium-low heat, add the smoked paprika and the onion until lightly softened and fragrant. Pour in the milk and heavy cream, bring to a light simmer, and dump it into a large bowl filled with the first two cheeses. Stir until combined, add the pasta, and stir again. Pour half the cheesy pasta into a 3 quart casserole dish and top with half the aged gouda. Add the rest of the pasta and sprinkle with the remaining aged gouda. Finish off the dish with some breadcrumbs. Ideally you should use stale bread but I only had the crappy processed fine grain breadcrumbs. Some people, self-loathing westerners, use panko but then you would have to change the name of the dish to The Sitting Gouda or something equally as stupid.

Bake it in a 352 degree oven for 54.5 minutes. All those other mac and cheeses? Forgoudabout them. Eat it.