Pig Face Pasta

1/2lb Guanciale or Smoked Jowl, diced

1/2 Onion, minced

3 Garlic Cloves, minced

1/4c White Wine

2 Egg Yolks

1/4c Heavy Cream

1c Hard Italian Cheese, grated

Pig face is a delightful cut of meat whose price has been driven into the ground by uptight, puritanical Americans who can’t seem to pull their over-inflated fat heads out of their collective asses.  Italians make guanciale, Southerners smoke the jowl, and Russians just bite the fucking faces off live pigs.  No matter how you prepare it, one taste of pig face and you’ll be throwing your bacon band-aids, bacon tapestry, and bacon leather jacket in your bacon trashcan. 

Press the pig’s face against the bottom of a large pot until it starts melting.  If it refuses to give up the location of the insurgent’s headquarters, press harder.  Add the onion and stir for a minute; add the garlic and stir for a minute; add the white wine and stir for another few minutes or until the mixture no longer tastes like alcohol. 

At this point your pasta should be just finishing up so…  “What?  You didn’t tell me to make the pasta yet!”  You mean you didn’t read the whole recipe before starting to cook?  “Maybe.”  Holy shit.  Turn down the heat on the sauce and start boiling some water.  “Okay, hold on.  What kind of water should I use?”  Just cook the fucking pasta and let me know when you are done so we can continue.  “Oh, whoops.  I turned on the wrong burner.  Here, let me try again.”  Sorry everyone, thanks to Captain Fuckjob over here this is going to take a little longer than expected.

“Okay, I’m ready now.”  Are you sure?  “I think so.  They’ve almost dissolved into the water.”  What?  How long have you been boiling them?  “A half hour, maybe more.”  Dried pasta cooks in eight minutes.  “Oh.  Yeah, I’m ready now.”

Take 1/8c hot pasta water, pour it into the whisked mixture of egg yolks and cream, and stir.  “Wait, whisked mixture of egg yolks and cream?”  Whisk together the fucking eggs and cream and pour the goddamn water in it!  Drain the pasta, immediately toss it with the pig face mixture, pour in the egg and cream mixture, and turn in the cheese.  “Hold on!  I’m still trying to make this egg thing.  How do you get the yellow part out of the white part?”  Eat it.