Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Food Newswire: US Citizen on Mexican Food Tour Unwittingly Sleeps with Hooker Due to Language Barrier
On a recent vacation to Puerta Vallarta, US food tourist Andrew Cason got the bright idea to leave the comfort of his pimp-ass all-inclusive resort to discover the true culinary flavor of the city just like all those people on the TV.
Perpetuating the stupid American stereotype he said, “I was getting tired of this beautiful hotel with its pristine pools, swim up bars, world class food, and armed guards. After watching all those travel shows I wanted to indulge myself in the culture and street food of this beautiful beach town so I could reflect on just how awesome America really is compared to the rest of the world.”
According to reports he ventured into the most poverty stricken neighborhood where he wandered into a small bar with complete disregard for his personal safety. “See, this is the kind of Mexico I want to experience!” a bar patron overheard him say as he walked into the godforsaken establishment. In a vain attempt to act like a local, he tried to order a Grande Fajita Burrito, slammed a couple tequila shots, and pounded a Dos Equis while doing his “Most Interesting Man in the World” impression.
Andrew then noticed a dashing young woman in the corner making kissy-faces at him. “I summoned her over, bought her a few drinks, and had a great time. I didn’t really know what she was saying because I don’t speak Mexican but this chick was all over me.”
Andrew then brought her back to his hotel room where he experienced love making like never before. “I thought everything was going great but when I got out of the shower she was holding my wallet and screaming at me. That’s when it dawned on me; I had just fucked a Mexican hooker.” After forcing him at knifepoint to empty his bank account at the hotel lobby ATM, she ran off and Andrew was left alone in his room for the night.
“It really wasn’t so bad,” Andrew admitted. “I didn’t have to cuddle or have a meaningful discussion about bullshit hopes and dreams like every other time I’ve gotten laid. I think I might even start paying for sex when I get back to the states. It could have been a lot worse. At least I didn’t get kidnapped.” Andrew still has six more days in Mexico and acknowledged that anything can still happen.