Thursday, May 24, 2012
Food Newswire: Woman Claiming to be Allergic to Gluten Unwittingly Eats Gluten, Nothing Happens.
Kendall Summer, a self-absorbed attention whore, always makes sure to let everyone within a 30 foot radius know she is completely and utterly gluten intolerant. Her psychosomatic ailment arose shortly after a Today Show segment on the less than 1% of the population who are actually allergic to gluten. Once she realized she could harness the power of this intolerance to force every person she comes across to succumb to her absurd demands, she quickly jumped on board.
“That bitch makes me read off every single ingredient in each goddamn item on the menu every fucking day” said Johnny Simms, a waiter at the neighborhood restaurant Kendall frequents. “Once the other customers realized how much attention she required, they decided to follow in suit. Now half the population of this stupid town is gluten intolerant. It’s bullshit!”
After receiving a 20 minute lecture on Kendall’s restrictive diet and the oppressive accommodations required, the newly hired waiter Walter Wolfe rolled his eyes and returned to the kitchen unconvinced there was really anything wrong with her besides an overinflated balloon head. Super pissed off she had wasted so much of his time during the lunch rush, he had the kitchen prepare a dish almost entirely comprised of ingredients that contain gluten. When he delivered the dish he assured the insane woman, who also suffers from Fibromyalgia, that it was entirely gluten-free. She ate the meal gleefully, paid her tab, and left to go meet up with her book club to discuss the literary brilliance of The Hunger Games. When she came back to the restaurant the next day, Walter asked her how she had been. She replied she had never felt better in her life.
“My dad is a doctor,” Walter told us. “He said all these people are full of shit. I knew that dumbass would be fine.”
To take his ruse to the next level, Walter served her a gluten-free meal this time but when she was finished he told her he accidentally served her a negligible amount of gluten. Kendall promptly fell ill and was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. Bystanders reported hearing her pleading for her life while sticking her finger down her throat.
“See, it’s all in the mind. People create their own realities and live within them no matter how detached,” Walter philosophized. “People like her have very low self-worth and need constant reassurance they are special so they claim to have obscure diseases. The problem is that they get so invested in their delusion that becomes real to them. Really I just feel bad for her.”
While Kendall is suing for pain and suffering as well as medical bills, the restaurant’s lawyer replied with a formal document stating they plan to countersue in the court of “Get Over Yourself.”