Monday, June 18, 2012
Food Newswire: Dad Spends All Day in Front of Grill to Escape Horrible Family
Gerald Watterson works 75 hours a week to provide a comfortable living for his large family. There is only one problem; he resents them for it and will do anything to avoid spending time with them.
“Whenever I’m home, my bratty entitled little spawn are bitching about some new material possession they require. I wanted to give them a privileged upbringing so I have been working my ass off since they were born. Oddly enough, it seems my absence has taught them to seek comfort in material possessions. They don’t even seem to understand how hard I work to provide all this crap for them. It’s like they have developed an untreatable mutated form of entitlement. I can’t stand those superficial hollow punks. And don’t even get me started on my whore wife.”
In order to dodge his terrible children and their plastic busted up mother, Gerald purchased an oversized grill/smoker combo. This gives him the perfect excuse to sit outside alone and drink beer.
“I knew none of them would bother me out here because their dumb elitist mother taught them that the outdoors is for poor people. God, I can’t stand that woman. This grill was the best thing I have ever purchased in my entire life. Now I can just pretend those shitbags inside don’t exist. See that? It’s a Boston Butt I have been smoking since I woke up this morning. It will be done in an hour and I’ll go to bed an hour after that. Life has never been better.”
At the time of publishing Gerald had managed to not speak a single word to his family for 7 weeks and counting. He was also booking them a vacation cruise along the Somali coast this summer.