Thursday, June 14, 2012
Food Newswire: Morbidly Obese Family Blames Selves, Not McDonalds
The Eckerson Family in Cleveland, Ohio has a combined weight exceeding that of a herd of elephants. While most disgustingly fat people blame genetics, fast food corporations, bone structure, or the boogeyman for their horrifying condition, the Eckersons are far too obese to have their heads up their asses.
“Of course we know eating McDonalds every day for every meal is bad for us,” said the father Randy. “I don’t need a bunch of scientists and politicians telling me it’s not healthy. I mean look at us, we’re fat as shit. We didn’t get this way eating salads. It’s my decision to bring my family here every day. How is that McDonald’s fault?”
Randy then turned his Rascal around and wheezed out his usual order: Three of everything on the menu except those crappy salads. After recovering from the exhaustion of ordering, the whole family wheeled their rascals around the one handicapped table to await their excessive lunch.
That’s when the unthinkable happened.
Another family, with legitimate non-self-imposed medical conditions that require them to use wheelchairs, slowly rolled through the double doors. As they glanced at the Eckersons their blood pressure surged (which usually only happens after they eat at McDonalds). First, that fatty family stole the one handi parking spot and then they take the only unabled table in the whole restaurant? Something had to be done.
“Excuse me,” said, Roger, the Father of the normal-sized truly-disabled family. “But why do you have a handicapped parking pass?”
“Well,” replied Randy, “we eat like fucking disgusting pigs and now we can’t move around properly. So in order to keep our health deteriorating we got the pass so we don’t have to move around so much.”
“My family is exhausted from wheeling across the lot while you sit there stuffing your gigantic fat face,” yelled Roger. “Is that three of everything from the menu except salads?” Roger took a second to remove his mind from going down the wormhole of realizing how much food that is for one person to consume. “If anything, you fake handies should be required to park at the back of the lot so you can walk off some of that fat.”
“How about I walk over there and kick your ass?”
“I’d like to see you even stand up.”
In a blind rage Randy stood up from his Rascal and every bone below his waist shattered into dust. While he was being treated my paramedics, the McDonalds manager came over and whispered into his ear: “Remember you always said it was not our fault.”
At the time of publishing, Randy had won a 142 million dollar lawsuit against McDonalds for ruining his life. McDonalds is appealing the court’s moronic decision.