Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Food Newswire: Woman Who Over Pronounces Names of Foreign Foods Receives Lukewarm Reception at Japanese Restaurant
Missy Wimbelton prides herself on being able to drop her natural southern drawl to perform stellar vocal renditions of foreign food names.
“Dem Yanks thank we down round hair sound unedumacated and stoopids,” said Missy. “I tell you what now that coulnt be more wronger. I been watchin the foods channel and tat der Giader learned me to say all serts of fanciful wordings. Ya’ll needs to see how impraressed the Whole Foods people are when I ax fer Prosciutto and Parmesan Reggiano. It done make me feer so shofisticate and urbanitey like them sexy city girls on the tee vees.”
The Whole Foods lady, however, tells a much different story.
“After that lunatic started coming in here I had to have surgery on my eyes from rolling them back too far in my head. The other day she ordered Jamon Serrano and Manchego for the first time. It was so painful I wanted to stick a fork in my brain.”
Despite the conflicting accounts, Missy continued to live in her bubble of purported high culture and worldliness until one fateful day when her husband took her out to dinner at a local Japanese restaurant.
Fully entranced by the Japanese décor and sushi chef hats, Missy was unable to contain herself. “Look at dis here, Josiah,” she loudly said to her husband. “Dey have cata-PILLA rolls an chicken terri-AKI,” managing to pull off the most disparaging and culturally insulting pronunciations the world has ever heard. When Josiah quietly asked her to keep her voice down because she was embarrassing him, she said “What? Yous entimidated by mies knownins? Eyes defernetly gettin me some Cali-forn-ia rolls,” using a mock Asian accent to pronounce an American state. “I’ms goin to ax that der cute little waitress if theys gots a rickshaw special taday!”
The sushi chef, being within earshot of the incorrigible woman, became so enraged he walked to their table and began yelling at them in his native tongue to get the hell out of his restaurant. Loosely translated he said, “You stupid American can fuck the shit that comes out of a dog after he gets sick. Leave now before you become an item that lives on the menu.”
After Josiah explained to his wife she had insulted everyone in the entire establishment and they should leave, Missy argued that “He is jus thanksing me for sayin the dishes rights. He jus sound angry because theys always talks like that.”
Soon after her delusional, inherently racist statement, they were ushered out of the restaurant. Josiah promptly dropped her off at home and drove straight to the courthouse to file for divorce. Missy continues to maintain she did nothing wrong and is currently practicing rolling her r’s for an upcoming trip to Arizona.