Mole Poblano OR Montezuma’s Revenge

4 Dried Pasilla Negro Chiles

4 Dried Ancho Chiles

2 Dried Guajillo Chiles

15 Peppercorns

1/4tsp Cinnamon

1/8tsp Clove

2lbs Chicken Thighs, bone in

1/2c Almonds, sliced and toasted

1/4c Pumpkin Seeds, toasted

1Tbl Sesame Seeds, toasted

0 Raisins, fuck raisins

3 Big Slices Crusty Bread, toasted

2 Small Tomatoes, roasted

3 Small Tomatillos, husked rinsed and roasted

4 Garlic Cloves, minced

1 Small Yellow Onion, diced

1 Star Anise

3 1/2c Reserved Chicken Stock

2oz Dark Chocolate, chopped

While researching how to make mole, I couldn’t help but notice that everything on the interwebs looked disgusting and dumb as fuck.   All the recipes that purported to be “authentic” appeared to be bastardized bullshit.  Then I did what any rational human being capable of simple problem solving would; something you have obviously never thought to do.  I Spanish language page googled it.  Brilliant, I know. 

Anytime you want to know how lesser countries and cultures prepare their cuisine, employ this little trick and you can find the traditional methods and techniques with relative ease.  Some time ago I was researching how to make a common French dish and this assclown on Chowhound authoritatively stated that a particular ingredient was not “authentic.”  I found this amusing because I read about a billion goddamn recipes for the same dish from people in France and every single one used that ingredient.  Lesson: People are fucking morons.  On a semi-related note, if you are ever wondering what to do with game meat search hunter forums.  Those guys know what the hell they are doing.      

Apparently there are a billion types of mole but Mole Poblano is the kind us stupid Americans know best so that is what we are going to make today.  This recipe is straight legit except there are no raisins (I only consume grapes if they are fermented), I am using chicken in lieu of turkey, and I added a star anise in the pot for a subtle licorice flavor. 

Fry the dried peppers in some oil until poofy and slightly browned but not burnt.  Soak them in water with a little salt for about an hour and then remove the stems and seeds.  Bust them up in a food processor with the spices and a little of the soaking water until a paste forms.  Set aside.

Place the chicken pieces in a pot and cover with salted water. Boil/simmer for 45 minutes.  Remove from pot, cool, shred, and set aside.  Pull off the skins and fry them for a tasty snack.  Reserve the stock. 

Halve the tomatoes and tomatillos horizontally, toss them with some oil and salt, and roast them at 350 degrees for about 45 minutes.  Set aside.

Toast the next set of ingredients in a dry pan.  “How do I know when they are done?”  When they brown and smell toasty, just like fucking toast.  Set aside.

Saute the onion until soft, add the garlic, and sauté until fragrant.  Dump in everything else.  Simmer until heavy and thick, about 45-60 minutes.  Food processor the shit out of it, mix with the chicken, and serve over rice.  Now you have yourself the most “moi authenticos” Mole Poblano this side of the Drug War.  Eat it.