Creole Jambalaya

4 Celery Stalks, Sliced

2 Green Bell Peppers, diced

2 Small Yellow Onions, diced

15oz Can Diced Tomatoes, undrained

3tbl Paprika

1tbl Old Bay

2tsp Thyme

2tsp Oregano

2tsp Basil

2tsp Kosher Salt

1tsp, Black Pepper

1/2tsp Cayenne Pepper

2lbs Bone-In Chicken Thighs, boiled (reserve chicken water)

1lb Andouille Sausage, cooked and sliced (widthwise, idiot)

3c Reserved Chicken Water

2c Water

1c Louisiana Tea

3c Rice

White Vinegar, a healthy splash

1lb Shrimp, raw

Green Onions (or Parsley), for garnish

In Creole the word Jambalaya means “throw a bunch of crap in a pot and let it cook.”  It originates from the days of the Great Depression when the people didn’t have shit to eat.  Towns would gather everything they had, threw it all in a pot, and let it cook.  Jambalaya has a few different variations depending on principality and level of poverty but I just made it the way I fucking wanted to since I’m not some poor Southern bastard in 1934.  Also because fuck you. 

Start by sautéing the celery, peppers, and onions until softened.  This is called the “Trinity” which is funny because that’s the same name of the hooker that hangs out in front of the liquor store.  Add the tomatoes and spices.  Stir that shit around for a while.  Dump in the chicken and sausage.  Mix it all together.  Are you still with me here?  Is this moving too fast for you?  “Wait, what?  I wasn’t paying attention.”  Nevermind.  Pour in the water, reserved chicken water, Louisiana Tea, rice, and vinegar.  Bring to a boil over medium heat, cover, and reduce heat to medium-low.  After 20 minutes, stir in the shrimp, put the lid back on the pot, and turn off the heat.

Garnish with green onions, or parsley, and a bottle of Trappey’s hot sauce.  Eat it.