Friday, November 2, 2012

Chile Chili

Combination of Dried Chilies (9 Total)
            Pasilla Negro
1 Large Yellow Onion, diced
4 Garlic Cloves, minced
15oz Diced Tomatoes
15oz Tomato Sauce
12oz Dark Beer
2tsp Cumin, your mouth
1tsp, Coriander
32oz Canned Red Beans, undrained
2lbs Beef Stew Meat
Vinegar, a healthy splash

For this chili I used whole dried chilies in lieu of chili powder.  Chili with chilies.  Totally revolutionary and counterintuitive, I know.  I’m not sure why I never did this previously but it probably has something to do with being dumb as fuck, like you.  Good thing my case of the stupids was only temporary. 

I will definitely use a different ratio, and possibly combination, of dried chilies in the future (these were just the ones I had leftover from the Mole Poblano), but once I nail it I will be contacting the Guinness Book of World Records for Best Chili in the History of Human Civilization.  While I’m at it I should ask them if I win Most Dishes that Resemble Fecal Matter.      

Pan fry the chilies in some vegetable oil until they are all poofy and slightly browned.  Toss them in a big bowl of water and let them soak for about an hour.  They should be as soft as a dick at a Cat Lady Convention.  Remove the seeds, coarsely chop, throw them in a food processor, and pulse the living fuck out of them.  Add just enough of the soaking water (and/or canned chipotles with adobo sauce) to create a paste.  Set aside.

Sauté the onion until soft.  “When I was at the store I saw two types of yellow looking onions.  Some were labeled as Sweet Onions and the others as Yellow Onions.  Which ones should I use?”  Gee, maybe you should pick the ones that are both yellow and labeled as yellow since I said to use goddamn yellow onions, fuckjob.  Add the garlic and cook until fragrant.  “My garlic is already fragrant and I haven’t even put it in the pan.”  Holy shit.  I mean until that green smell starts to dissipate.  “What does green smell like?”  It smells like fucking green, now shut up. 

Dump in everything else, including the chile paste, and bring to a boil.  Drop the heat and simmer for about three hours, stirring every half a beer.  “Half a beer?  How long is that?  How do I know when to stir it?”  Well how long does it take you to drink half a beer?  “About an hour.”  Pussy.  Stir it every 15 minutes.  Eat it.


Anonymous said...

When do I throw the stew meat on the grill?

Rhonda said...

I am cooking this tomorrow or maybe I can rope my old man into doing it. thanks

Trish said...

You wrote and I quote:

"Putting beans in meat chili is like french kissing a hooker; it's fucking disgusting. Only hippie vegetarians put beans in chili and that's only because they have no better alternative. What losers. Real chili is meat on meat, with more meat."


Cooking Asshole said...



What a fuckin mess. HEY! "COCKING" ASSHOLES. Have you ever heard of food presentation? Once again your photo looks like shit,zcat,turds,animal droppings swimming in a pool of diarea. What the fucking fuck!!!..How bout spending 29 cents for a slice of lime for garnish? Or maybe 99 cent for a sprig of cilantro. That way we might think your concocktion "might" be edible?. Also. Take your broke ass down to the dollar store and upgrade your dinner wear. Paper plates would be an improvement. Check out the DIXI COLECTION at K-Mart.

Anonymous said...

Hey Spreadcheeker, turd-punchers shouldn't comment on man-food. Presentation? Limes with chili? Food is for eating, not for photographing. Save the lime wedge for your boyfriend's butt.

Unknown said...

Good fucking grief. Don't you have even the slightest bit of flair? Add a fucking square of bakers chocolate and a couple stiff shots of tequila to that, and it might be worth eating. Damn.

Anonymous said...

What? No fucking Old Bay???


Hey dumb fuck who is criticising my food presentation ideas!!!. I guess your used to eating shit. So, the photo looks appetizing to you? Believe it or not MOST people dont indulging in the culinary delights of consuming fecal matter. Sooo. When food looks like shit,,no one wants to eat it!!! Understand DUMB-ASS???..Now, get away from the stove before you get burned again.

Anonymous said...

Spreadcrasher. Now that you are hopefully off the rag, perhaps some of your time should be put into sharpening your grammar skills. It's hard to take a critic seriously when they have the writing ability of an eight year old. With down syndrome. Who is also blind and likes it in the asshole.