Chile Chili

Combination of Dried Chilies (9 Total)

            Ancho

            Pasilla Negro

Guajillo

            Etc.

1 Large Yellow Onion, diced

4 Garlic Cloves, minced

15oz Diced Tomatoes

15oz Tomato Sauce

12oz Dark Beer

2tsp Cumin, your mouth

1tsp, Coriander

32oz Canned Red Beans, undrained

2lbs Beef Stew Meat

Salt

Vinegar, a healthy splash

For this chili I used whole dried chilies in lieu of chili powder.  Chili with chilies.  Totally revolutionary and counterintuitive, I know.  I’m not sure why I never did this previously but it probably has something to do with being dumb as fuck, like you.  Good thing my case of the stupids was only temporary. 

I will definitely use a different ratio, and possibly combination, of dried chilies in the future (these were just the ones I had leftover from the Mole Poblano), but once I nail it I will be contacting the Guinness Book of World Records for Best Chili in the History of Human Civilization.  While I’m at it I should ask them if I win Most Dishes that Resemble Fecal Matter.      

Pan fry the chilies in some vegetable oil until they are all poofy and slightly browned.  Toss them in a big bowl of water and let them soak for about an hour.  They should be as soft as a dick at a Cat Lady Convention.  Remove the seeds, coarsely chop, throw them in a food processor, and pulse the living fuck out of them.  Add just enough of the soaking water (and/or canned chipotles with adobo sauce) to create a paste.  Set aside.

Sauté the onion until soft.  “When I was at the store I saw two types of yellow looking onions.  Some were labeled as Sweet Onions and the others as Yellow Onions.  Which ones should I use?”  Gee, maybe you should pick the ones that are both yellow and labeled as yellow since I said to use goddamn yellow onions, fuckjob.  Add the garlic and cook until fragrant.  “My garlic is already fragrant and I haven’t even put it in the pan.”  Holy shit.  I mean until that green smell starts to dissipate.  “What does green smell like?”  It smells like fucking green, now shut up. 

Dump in everything else, including the chile paste, and bring to a boil.  Drop the heat and simmer for about three hours, stirring every half a beer.  “Half a beer?  How long is that?  How do I know when to stir it?”  Well how long does it take you to drink half a beer?  “About an hour.”  Pussy.  Stir it every 15 minutes.  Eat it.