Thursday, November 15, 2012
Guy Fieri's Today Show Interview
Matt Lauer: Thanks for being here with us on Today, Guy.
Guy Fieri: I’m stoked to be here, mah brutha.
ML: So you recently opened up a comically large restaurant in Times Square. Why?
GF: Last year I was cruzin’ thru the livin’ room of N-Y-C and I had this ryghteous idea of klassin’ up tha place with one of mah killa flavor town USA restaurants. Make a place foh real New Yawkers, yah know? Sooooo kewl!
ML: There have been a fair number of poor reviews to date. One critic said your restaurant would put a major strain on the salt and sugar industries. Another said dining there was, and I quote, “ like the Cheesecake Factory did a shitload of blow and assfucked Applebees.” The NYT even went so far as to say it was the physical manifestation of stage presence jumping the shark. How do you respond?
GF: Well, Matty-Batty-Bo-Batty-Banana-Fana-Fo-Fatty, mah joint is slamma jamma and tha krew is da bomb. Tha biz is killin’ it and I’mz in it to winz it.
ML: Speaking of your ‘krew,” rumor has it the investment company for the restaurant has set up a 24 hour suicide hotline for restaurant employees due to the music selection.
GF: Naw, they like da fam to me. I hooked dem up wit wicked sweet playlists. Mah krew gets to jam to Nickelback, Coldplay, Toby Keith, Smashmouth, and Chumbawumba all day every day! Rockin’ like fools!
ML: You’re almost 45 years old now. Don’t you think it’s about time you gave up the act?
GF: This is all me broski, straight Nor Cal! Shout out to mah brothas and sistas! And to the jive turkey that stole mah yella Lambo, I fogive yah brah. That car is mad saweeeeet!!!
ML: So I have to ask, what’s your favorite item on the menu?
GF: Most definitely the Chipotle-Lime-Cajun-Tequila-Turkey-Donkey Sauce-Nacho-Chili-Cheese-Garlic Fry-Burger-Ribs. Bitchen.
ML: Thanks for joining us, Guy. His new restaurant is now open for business in case anyone wants overpriced shitty food in one of the best culinary cities in the world. When we come back from commercial we will have a heart-wrenching story about a cat that got stuck in a tree as well as a segment on how gluten is the ultimate source of your unhappiness.