Thursday, November 15, 2012

Guy Fieri's Today Show Interview

Matt Lauer: Thanks for being here with us on Today, Guy.

Guy Fieri: I’m stoked to be here, mah brutha.

ML: So you recently opened up a comically large restaurant in Times Square.  Why?

GF: Last year I was cruzin’ thru the livin’ room of N-Y-C and I had this ryghteous idea of klassin’ up tha place with one of mah killa flavor town USA restaurants.  Make a place foh real New Yawkers, yah know?  Sooooo kewl!

ML: There have been a fair number of poor reviews to date.  One critic said your restaurant would put a major strain on the salt and sugar industries.  Another said dining there was, and I quote, “ like the Cheesecake Factory did a shitload of blow and assfucked Applebees.”  The NYT even went so far as to say it was the physical manifestation of stage presence jumping the shark.  How do you respond?

GF: Well, Matty-Batty-Bo-Batty-Banana-Fana-Fo-Fatty, mah joint is slamma jamma and tha krew is da bomb.  Tha biz is killin’ it and I’mz in it to winz it.           

ML: Speaking of your ‘krew,” rumor has it the investment company for the restaurant has set up a 24 hour suicide hotline for restaurant employees due to the music selection.

GF: Naw, they like da fam to me.  I hooked dem up wit wicked sweet playlists.  Mah krew gets to jam to Nickelback, Coldplay, Toby Keith, Smashmouth, and Chumbawumba all day every day!  Rockin’ like fools!

ML: You’re almost 45 years old now.  Don’t you think it’s about time you gave up the act?

GF: This is all me broski, straight Nor Cal!  Shout out to mah brothas and sistas!  And to the jive turkey that stole mah yella Lambo, I fogive yah brah.  That car is mad saweeeeet!!!  

ML: So I have to ask, what’s your favorite item on the menu?

GF: Most definitely the Chipotle-Lime-Cajun-Tequila-Turkey-Donkey Sauce-Nacho-Chili-Cheese-Garlic Fry-Burger-Ribs.  Bitchen. 

ML: Thanks for joining us, Guy.  His new restaurant is now open for business in case anyone wants overpriced shitty food in one of the best culinary cities in the world.  When we come back from commercial we will have a heart-wrenching story about a cat that got stuck in a tree as well as a segment on how gluten is the ultimate source of your unhappiness.    


Anonymous said...

Totally read it in their voices too. Good job.

Ely North said...

Totally thought it was a real interview for the first couple lines. I'm an asshole. Which I guess is why I read this blog.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE Guy, but that was hysterical!

Anonymous said...

Never trust anyone who can't be bothered to pronounce his own name correctly. Especially one he picked out himself.

Anonymous said...

Interesting blog, but I don't think many people want to be thinking about assholes—despite the different meaning implied—when cooking or thinking about food. I find your logo especially insensitive in this context; it looks like a gas. You might think the title is edgy, but the whole concept is anything but yummy.

Cooking Asshole said...

Thank you for your unsolicited advice. While you may think that you are speaking for many, I can assure you that you are only speaking for yourself. It's a fucking joke, idiot.

mattjeast said...

What part of the donkey does the donkey sauce come from?

Anonymous said...

I know it's a joke...clearly... but not a very good one.

Cooking Asshole said...

And yet you keep coming back.

Johann the Cabbie said...

Funny, funny, funny.

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Beer Drinker Rob said...

Maybe it's because I'm part of the Coolest Generation, but when I think about assholes, I think about you assholes on blogs and Twitter and the internets, not real butt holes. Anonymous is an idiot.

Before I forget, if you're gonna let the Halal guy above drop links, unchallenged, how about some beer? BTW, if you feel like another guest post, I'm waiting!

Finally, as annoying as I find Guy, that Diners Drivebys and Guys, or whatever it's called, that's good food and I wish I were at all those restaurants the next day.

I don't know shit about his own restaurants, but Lauer's interview was great.

Oh, and Minute to Win It on GSN is a great show, and you can totally get past Guy.

Anonymous said...

"like the Cheesecake Factory did a shitload of blow and assfucked Applebees", followed by the resultant "Chipotle-Lime-Cajun-Tequila-Turkey-Donkey Sauce-Nacho-Chili-Cheese-Garlic Fry-Burger-Ribs". I almost had a seizure laughing so hard...

Excellent work, dude. High five.

azure_boone said...

God that was so frikn funny!

"Most definitely the Chipotle-Lime-Cajun-Tequila-Turkey-Donkey Sauce-Nacho-Chili-Cheese-Garlic Fry-Burger-Ribs. Bitchen."

Made my night!

Nash Ruin said...

hahah god fucking dammit

Karma Chameleon said...

I think I'm in love with you now