Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
14oz Marshmallow Fluff
2c Whole Milk
1c Heavy Cream
1tsp Vanilla Extract
3/4c Chocolate chunks
1c Graham Crackers, broken into pieces
I recently procured an ice cream machine and it is the best kitchen gadget investment I have made since I bought my food processor. Like everything else in the world, I initially thought it was totally unnecessary and stupid. This time I was actually wrong. Fuck commercial ice cream. Ben and Jerry can simultaneously blow me; Vermont’s Finest sucks shit.
I didn’t come up with the idea for this ice cream, develop the recipe, or make it (my girlfriend did all of the above) but I’m going to post it here and take credit for it because that’s the American way.
Spread the fluff out in a large glass casserole dish. Bake at 500 degrees until the top browns. I have no idea how long this takes but I can only assume it happens pretty quickly so keep a close eye on it. Stir it around and let the top brown again. Remove from the oven and cool.
Combine the milk and cream in a saucepan and bring to a slight boil. Remove from heat and stir in the vanilla. Slowly whisk the liquid into the browned fluff. There will be small chunks so don’t get your pretty little panties in a bunch trying to make it smooth. Refrigerate the mixture overnight.
Pour the liquid into the ice cream maker and let it churn for about a half hour or until sufficiently thickened. Dump in the chocolate and graham crackers for the last few minutes. Scrape it into an airtight container and place in the freezer. Initially it will have the consistency of soft-serve but it will harden after a few hours in the freezer.
I have made a few test runs with the machine with incredible success, obviously, and pretty soon we will move into the experimental realm of ice cream. Get ready. Eat it.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
4 Strips Thick Cut Bacon, uncooked & diced
1 Can Red Beans, undrained
1/2 White or Yellow Onion, diced
1/2 Jalapeno, minced
Healthy Splash of White Vinegar
1 Bay Leaf
3/4tsp Kosher Salt
1/16tsp Ground Clove
Mix all the ingredients in a dutch oven, cover, and bake at 350 degrees for 50 minutes.
I make many different rice bakes on a regular basis because they are tasty, versatile, and fucking easy as shit. The possible combinations of meats, beans, and accoutrements are seemingly endless. Just grab whatever the fuck you have, mix it together, and bake. “I have tilapia, garbanzo beans, and yellow mustard. Will that work?” I’m not sure. Go try it and report back. “Okay!”
Now that we got rid of that dipshit I can tell you that will absolutely not work. Pick out crap that works well together and compliment with the appropriate spice mixtures. Eat it.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
1 1/2c Oatmeal
2tsp Baking Powder
1tsp Saigon Cinnamon
1 Stick Butter, softened
3/4c Brown Sugar
Mix the dry ingredients. Cream the wet ingredients. Mix the dry into the wet. Roll the dough into balls. Bake them at 350 for 13 minutes and 43 seconds. Toffee chunks would be a nice addition.
That’s how fucking simple it is to write a recipe. All these nonsense food blogs have 15,000 word and 37 watermarked picture posts on how to make a goddamn cupcake from the Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade cookbook. No one gives a shit about your feline hoarding disorder or the six end results of your inability to properly use contraceptives. Your life sucks and it is boring as hell. Stick to the food and come up with your own crap every once in a while, fuckjobs. Eat it.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
3.36lb Pork Shoulder (Boston Butt), salted
1/2 White Onion, diced
20oz Can of Diced Pineapple, with juice
1/8c White Vinegar
Juice from 2 Large Limes
2 Habanero Peppers, minced
1 1/2tsp Kosher Salt
When it comes to Mexican food you pinches gringos probably can’t tell the difference between your fundillo and a hole in the ground. “I love burritos!” Taking an entire plate of food and wrapping it in a tortilla is dumb as shit, you stupid cabron. As a purist, I prefer my tacos separate from my beans and rice. Anyway, I don’t really know dick about Mexican food, except that it probably sucks, but I sure as fuck know how to cook up some wicked shredded pork, America style.
Get out a dutch oven and brown the salted butt over medium-high heat. Remove it from the pot, dump in everything else, mix it all up, put the roast on top, cover the pot, and put it in a 325 degree oven. After an hour flip the roast over. After another hour flip it again but leave the lid off the pot. Continue to cook for another hour, uncovered, flipping the roast every 15 minutes. That’s a total of three hours in case you were too fucking stupid to figure it out.
Let the roast cool slightly and shred it with two forks. Return it to the liquid pineapple mixture and let it soak for a while. At this point you can do whatever the fuck you want with your stupid crappy shredded pork; I don’t really give a shit. If you want to make tacos, strain some meat and pan fry it over medium heat to get a nice crispy brown exterior. Place the meat on warm corn tortillas and garnish with cilantro. And yes, I did just look up Spanish slang words on Wikipedia. Whatever.