Kitchen Cabinet Cookies

2c Flour

1 3/4c Oats

2/3c Cocoa Powder

2tsp Baking Powder

2 Sticks of Butter, chilled and diced

3/4c Peanut Butter, not the hippie kind

1 1/2c Brown Sugar

Honey, a couple big squeezes

1 1/2tsp Vanilla

2 Eggs

Chocolate, coarsely chopped (I used an old Easter bunny)

After coming to the realization that there are no cookies in the house, most of you little babies would whine and cry until someone delivered you cookies on a silver fucking platter or you passed out from exhaustion.  I, however, have no patience for such reckless lamentation.  Anyone with a well stocked pantry can whip up a batch of cookies before you can say “I’m an unresourceful noob who is incapable doing anything for myself so I need everyone else to do everything for me.”

Blast the dry ingredients together in a food processor.  “Whoa, man.  2/3c cocoa?  That’s, like, three 8-balls!”  How fucking stupid could you possibly be?  Cocoa like chocolate, not coca like Marion Barry.  Thrown in the diced butter and pulse.

Mix together the next set of ingredients and gradually incorporate the dry mixture.  When completely combined, stir in the chocolate chunks.  “I don’t have any peanut butter or leftover Easter bunnies.  I only have almond butter and a bar of dark chocolate.  I guess I can’t make this recipe.”  I give up.  I don’t even know why I tried.   

Roll into balls and bake at 350 degrees for ~15 minutes.  Eat it.

Drunk Ass Dessert

A few weeks ago I allegedly got super wasted and when I woke up my kitchen was a mess.  I started to piece together the puzzle when I found some near illegible chicken scratch in my notebook which in turn led me to find the above picture on the camera.  I apparently assembled a dessert sandwich and put it in the panini press which is odd because I didn’t have any serious burns.  In any case, here is the recipe I wrote:

I’m sure it was the best thing I ever ate.  Eat it.

Duck Liver Pate OR Shit Smoothie

2Tbl Duck Fat or Butter

1/2 White or Yellow Onion, minced

4 Garlic Cloves, minced

1/2tsp Provence Herbs

1/4c Red Wine

.5lb Duck Liver

Kosher Salt & Cracked Black Pepper, lots

Most morons, i.e. you, think of pate as some kind of difficult, expensive Frenchie restaurant bullshit.  This could not be further from the truth.  You can make incredibly delicious pate at home for less than a blowjob from a toothless meth head hooker of French heritage.   

Melt the duck fat, or butter if you suck, and sauté the onion until slightly softened.  Add the garlic and continue to sauté until you can no longer smell its rawness.  Too many people rely solely on their eyes when cooking.  Pay attention to the food’s scent.  It will tell you a story incredibly more complex than its appearance.  When the garlic is fragrant add the provence herbs, stir a few times, and add the red wine.   Some people use cognac instead of red wine but I didn’t have an open bottle of Louis XIII in the liquor cabinet.  I did, however, have enough left in an old bottle of Chinon Cab Franc.  If you decide to use cognac, use half the volume and add it post-cooking but pre-blend.  Bring the red wine to heat, and stew the liver until it changes color. 

Dump all that shit in a food processor, add some salt and pepper, and puree the living fuck out of it.  Taste it, add more salt and pepper if needed, and continue to puree until it looks like the morning after a Taco Bell Doritos Locos eating contest.  Eat it.

Slooze 1: The British Colonialist

2c Boiling Water

4 Bags of Green Tea

1/3c Sugar

2c Tonic Water

Juice from 2 Large Limes

1c Rotgut Gin, stored in the freezer

My first thought when an ice cream maker crossed the threshold into my kitchen was “let’s put booze in it.”  Although beer and wine freeze just fine (see Boozicles), hard liquor does not.  Apparently you can add gelatin to get an acceptable consistency but that’s fucking cheating.  You can also use liquid nitrogen but I’m a cook, not an Emperor’s New Clothes molecular gastronomist.  So what is the only reasonable solution? Slooze.

Pour the boiling water over the teabags and sugar.  Let it steep for five minutes, discard the teabags, and let cool.  Add the tonic water and put the mixture in the fridge until cold. 

Pour the mixture into your ice cream maker, let it churn it for about 25 minutes, add the gin for another five minutes, and serve immediately.  Now you’re ready to exert your imperialist inclinations on some poor uncivilized nation with a wealth of natural resources (i.e. get that bitch down the street who just won big on scratch-offs to buy you some motherfucking Thunderbird).  Drink it.  

Pig Face Pasta

1/2lb Guanciale or Smoked Jowl, diced

1/2 Onion, minced

3 Garlic Cloves, minced

1/4c White Wine

2 Egg Yolks

1/4c Heavy Cream

1c Hard Italian Cheese, grated

Pig face is a delightful cut of meat whose price has been driven into the ground by uptight, puritanical Americans who can’t seem to pull their over-inflated fat heads out of their collective asses.  Italians make guanciale, Southerners smoke the jowl, and Russians just bite the fucking faces off live pigs.  No matter how you prepare it, one taste of pig face and you’ll be throwing your bacon band-aids, bacon tapestry, and bacon leather jacket in your bacon trashcan. 

Press the pig’s face against the bottom of a large pot until it starts melting.  If it refuses to give up the location of the insurgent’s headquarters, press harder.  Add the onion and stir for a minute; add the garlic and stir for a minute; add the white wine and stir for another few minutes or until the mixture no longer tastes like alcohol. 

At this point your pasta should be just finishing up so…  “What?  You didn’t tell me to make the pasta yet!”  You mean you didn’t read the whole recipe before starting to cook?  “Maybe.”  Holy shit.  Turn down the heat on the sauce and start boiling some water.  “Okay, hold on.  What kind of water should I use?”  Just cook the fucking pasta and let me know when you are done so we can continue.  “Oh, whoops.  I turned on the wrong burner.  Here, let me try again.”  Sorry everyone, thanks to Captain Fuckjob over here this is going to take a little longer than expected.

“Okay, I’m ready now.”  Are you sure?  “I think so.  They’ve almost dissolved into the water.”  What?  How long have you been boiling them?  “A half hour, maybe more.”  Dried pasta cooks in eight minutes.  “Oh.  Yeah, I’m ready now.”

Take 1/8c hot pasta water, pour it into the whisked mixture of egg yolks and cream, and stir.  “Wait, whisked mixture of egg yolks and cream?”  Whisk together the fucking eggs and cream and pour the goddamn water in it!  Drain the pasta, immediately toss it with the pig face mixture, pour in the egg and cream mixture, and turn in the cheese.  “Hold on!  I’m still trying to make this egg thing.  How do you get the yellow part out of the white part?”  Eat it.    

Holy Mackerel

Red Potatoes, diced

White Onion, diced

Garlic, minced

Tomatoes, diced

Red Wine, old

Dried Parsley

Oregano

Red Pepper Flakes

Salt & Pepper

Mackerel\Bread

One day on the shore of Galilee, Jesus had just finished delivering a sermon to his flock of fishermen.  Their faith had been wavering in recent days and Jesus was in danger of losing control of his cult.  He knew that if he didn’t do something miraculous he would become another David Koresh or Jim Jones.

There was an angry shout from the crowd; “how are we to be pillars of faith when we cannot find any fish in the sea?”

Jesus replied unto him; “there are plenty of fish, but how do you expect to find them while so intensely focused on not finding them?”

After verbally bitch slapping that pussy faithless fisherman, Jesus threw his net into the water and pulled in a shitload of mackerel. 

“I fucking told you,” an enraged, vengeful Jesus said as he violently hurled a sack of bread at the pathetic fishermen.  “Do I have to do every goddamn thing for you?” he screamed.  “Do you need me to hold your dick while you take a piss?  Don’t ever doubt me again or I’ll kill all of you.  Now shut up and eat.”

Jesus then laid a hand on the wine jug to remove the poison he put in it earlier and there was a great feast.  This was the first Holy Mackerel and it ensured the evolutionary success of Jesus’ teachings.  It is on this day we feast on mackerel, bread, and wine while remaining mindful that Jesus held on to the poison just in case we piss him off again.  

Sautee the potatoes until softened, add the onion until softened, and then add the garlic until fragrant.  Dump in the wine, deglaze, and then add everything else but the mackerel.  Simmer for a while and then add the mackerel until warm.

Say your prayers and eat it.