Chocolate Cherry Mini Pies

1 Pie Crust

1c Heavy Cream

1/4c White Sugar

6oz Dark Chocolate, coarsely chopped

1/4tsp Kosher Salt

Cherries, halved and pitted

1 Egg, beaten

Some people have a natural aversion to fruit in chocolate.  They are dumb jackasses who can go fuck themselves.  This recipe is for all the normals out there who actually have a brain.

Make the pie dough, quarter it, roll out each section, and form them into mini pie container thingies.  Set aside.

Mix the heavy cream with the sugar and bring to a slight boil.  Remove from heat and pour it into a bowl containing the chocolate and salt.  Stir until the chocolate has completely melted and then mix in the cherries.  “How many cherries should I use?”  Normally I try and measure out everything so I can detail it for you dumb fucks but this time I forgot.  Figure it out yourself.  Once the mixture has cooled a little bit, add the egg.  If you add the egg too quickly you will end up with scrambled egg chocolate cherry mini pies. 

Bake at 350 degrees for 40 minutes.  Put a little cherry on top to make it look pretty.  Eat it.

Chicken Enchilada Soup

2lbs Bone-in Skin-on Chicken

1 White Onion, diced

5 Garlic Cloves, minced

4tsp Cumin, your mouth

2tsp Coriander

14oz Chicken Broth

32oz Water, or more

1lb Tomatillos, shucked rinsed and coarsely chopped

1 Poblano Pepper, roasted peeled and coarsely chopped

2 Hatch Chilies, roasted peeled and coarsely chopped

29oz Can of Hominy, drained and rinsed

Cilantro

Tortillas

I was going to make chicken enchiladas but after an excessive amount of high-octane beer I decided to just throw everything in a fucking pot and walk away.  Unsurprisingly, it was fantastically delicious like everything else I make.     

Brown the chicken in some vegetable oil over medium high heat until the skin gets nice and crispy.  Remove it from the pot and set aside.  Reduce the heat to medium, throw in the onion for a minute or two, and then add the garlic and spices.  After another minute or two, dump in everything else.  Let that shit simmer for another three to four beers.

“Are tomatillos the same as tomatoes?  How do I roast the peppers?  What in the hell is a hominy?”  I knew it couldn’t be that easy.  Every fucking time I do this shit I have to explain every little goddamn detail to you and it still doesn’t get through your fat stupid head. 

A tomatillo is a Mexican thing but pretty much every supermarket has them now due to the overwhelming number of illegals.  They are small green and firm with a paper-like husk.  They are very acidic so they eliminate the need for vinegar, limes, etc.   

If you have a gas burner you can roast the peppers over the open flame until completely charred.  If not, you can use the broiler function on your oven.  Remove the char skin as well as the seeds and dice up the flesh.  You can really use any combination of large peppers but not those crappy bell peppers. If you want a little spice you can add a jalapeno but there is no need to roast it.

I’m not even really sure what hominy is.  It’s some corn crap that natives used to eat before we stole all their land but that’s as far as my knowledge goes.  It doesn’t really taste like anything but it adds a nice texture.  White beans would be a suitable, and probably more nutritious, substitute.

“Wait, what did you just say?  I wasn’t paying attention.”  Eat shit and die, motherfucker.  Garnish with cilantro and tortillas.  Eat it.

Cherry and Cream Cheese Sonker

I made this sonker from sight and memory.  I didn’t follow some bullshit Pioneer Woman recipe verbatim like a dumbass piece of shit such as yourself.  If you can’t do it too, give up.  You are wasting your time and you have no fucking business in the kitchen.  Stop looking at know-nothing jackoffs to tell you how to wipe your ass.  Just throw your hands down there, grab some shit, and stop being such a goddamn pussy.  Eat it.