Thursday, January 3, 2013

Ladyboy Coconut Shrimp



3 Garlic Cloves, minced
1 Thumb Sized Piece of Fresh Ginger Root, minced
2 Carrots, peeled and julienned
2 Celery Stalks, julienned
1 Leek (white and light green parts), thinly sliced
1 Portabello Mushroom (or any other kind), sliced
1Tbl Brown Sugar
Juice from 1 Large Lime
3Tbl Fish Sauce
2 13.5oz cans of Coconut Milk
2c Water
1lb Shrimp, deveined and peeled

Rice

Garnish:
Cilantro
Serrano Peppers, thinly sliced
Peanuts

The other day I meandered (stumbled) into a Thai restaurant for a nightcap.  I immediately laid eyes on (ogled) the wondrously gorgeous hostess straddling the podium stool.  Her sexy curves, beautiful bouncy hair, and hip hugging skirt made my dick move.  She seductively smiled at me and then in her best Barry White impression asked if I would like a table or a seat at the bar.  I initially recoiled in horror as she sounded like (was) a man but after a few more (seven) drinks I became intensely intrigued (horny).  I could not keep my eyes off this woman (man).  “Fuck it,” I thought.  “I’m all over that shit.  Bitch is hot as hell.”  I walked back to the front of the restaurant to engage her in a sophisticated, urbane conversation (slur speech while pointing at random inanimate objects and poignantly stating how no one understands me).  As it turns out, I was not the ladyboy’s type (totally fucking wasted) but at least I know next time the situation presents itself, I’m game.  Long story short, I had a great coconut shrimp dish that evening so I went home and made a better one.    

Sauté the first six ingredients in some vegetable oil until slightly softened.  Toss in the brown sugar and curry powder and stir that shit around for a minute or two.  Dump in the lime juice, fish sauce, coconut milk, and water.  “How do I make fish sauce?  Do I press a bunch of fish fillets through a sieve?”  While that would probably work, that question is quite possibly the stupidest thing I have ever heard.  No, super-genius, you can procure fish sauce from any Asian market or Yuppie grocery store.  You could bottle sewer water, throw some quick horizontal and vertical brush strokes on it, call it life-essence chi, and sell the fuck out of it to rich American idiots.  Perfect as a post hot-yoga pick me up!    

Bring the mixture to a slow boil over medium to medium-high heat.  Add the shrimp and continue to simmer until the shrimp are cooked through.  “How long will that take?”  Oh, about eight hours.  “Really?”  No, you dumb fuck.  It should take about three to four minutes.

Serve it over rice and garnish with the crap listed above.  While I usually stay away from making Islamo-Commie Eastern dishes, this shit was off the charts delicious and stupid easy.  Even for rubes like you.  Eat it. 

4 comments:

Adorably Dead said...

" You could bottle sewer water, throw some quick horizontal and vertical brush strokes on it, call it life-essence chi, and sell the fuck out of it to rich American idiots."

And now I know how I'm going to supplement my income this year. Perfectly sound business strategy.

Anonymous said...

Sadly, I'd rather eat the cream pie your dad left in your arse last night... If your mum doesn't get to it first.

Aras said...

I'll try it! What if I do cook my shrimp for 8 hours? They're precooked, I think...

azure_boone said...

I'm so glad I stumbled on this blog from Cabin Goddess... Laughed my ass off inside.

And I wished somebody would let the anti-bot developers know that most people who have to type that code below would need to be either drunk, lucky, or wear bifocals to read their shit. Let me go ahead and attempt 3 times before i find something i can get right.