Sunday, January 20, 2013

The World’s Best Meatloaf


Topping Sauce:
1/2 White Onion, minced
2 Garlic Cloves, minced
1Tbl Chili Powder
1tsp Cumin
1/2tsp Cayenne
1 1/2c Brewed Coffee
1c Tomato Sauce
6oz Tomato Paste
1/3c Brown Sugar
1/4c White Vinegar
1/4c Cider Vinegar
2tsp Cocoa Powder
1tsp Molasses
1tsp Kosher Salt

Meatloaf:
1 White Onion, diced
3 Garlic Cloves, minced
2 Celery Stalks, thinly sliced
3 Red Potatoes, diced
1Tbl Paprika
1Tbl Old Bay
Kosher Salt, lots
2lbs Ground Meat, beef & pork
4 Bacon Strips, cooked and diced
1/2c Breadcrumbs or 1c Stale Bread Pieces
2 Eggs, beaten
1c Cheese

This elite dish originated within the uppity German aristocracy during the late 19th Century.  It was originally titled Meatenfarfenloafernstein until it made its way to the New World where it was de-ethnicized to simply Meatloaf.  To this day it remains a common staple amongst poor undesirables in pedestrian American states no one gives a fuck about.       

Sauté the onion and garlic until fragrant.  Add the spices and stir around for a minute or two.  Dump in everything else and simmer for about two hours.  Set aside.

Sauté the onion, garlic, celery, and potato until fragrant.  Add the spices and stir around for a minute or two.  Remove from heat.  Smoosh it all together with the remaining ingredients and cram it in a bread loaf pan. 

Bake it at 375 degrees for 45 minutes.  Pour the topping sauce all over the top, duh.  Bake for another 15 minutes.  Meatenfarfenloafernstein is best enjoyed with a fine Mosel Riesling.  Eat it. 

34 comments:

Kevin M Shelton said...

Best damn recipes I've found in a long long time. Thanks!

Adorably Dead said...

Meatloaf is the shit and this sounds great.

Anonymous said...

This is the first piece of shit recipe you put on the internet that I'm thinking about making. The glaze anyway. Potatoes have no fucking place inside meatloaf. None whatsoever.

Smedette said...

Only 4 slices of bacon? Please.

Anonymous said...

Goddamn. Only you would put Old Bay in a meatloaf. Next time grind your dick up and throw it in.

Matt said...

nice! For once a meatloaf recipe that doesn't call for meat + breadcrumb + ketchup. way to class it up...

seriously though have to agree w/#3, do you actually mix the taters in? We always use an oversize baking dish and put medley around to absorb the leftover goodness.

Katie said...

If you're cooking this in a loaf pan, how the fuck do you keep the sauce from running all over the goddamn place?!

PsychoCat said...

I make mine in a cake pan, so there's plenty of room for sauce! My seasonings are a bit different, and the taters are mashed on the side, but this variation looks pretty good!

=^..^=

deanodog said...

Potatoes in meatloaf? Have you lost your fucking mind?

Meatloaf Recipe said...

Sounds delicious for this meatloaf! I'm feeling quite hungry now! Can't wait to eat this :)

SPEADCRASHER said...

Thanks for the ghetto-steak recipe.
Are the food stamps running low this time of the month???
Also, your wine pairing is way off on this dish. this shit is to be eatten with colt 45 staight out the 40.

BIG GAY ALAN said...

I just found this blog. fucking awesome. don't disappear please.

Chelsea Marrs said...

HAHAH great blog. So funny & just what I need, sadly, to cook decent food!

Follow back if you can :)

http://chowdownbythebay.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

post more, fucker

Teo atGlipho said...

This is pretty much the best cooking blog I've ever come across. Seriously. I don't suppose you would want to share it over at Glipho? We're a new social blogging site. We have a load of recipe blogs going on in there already, but nothing quite like yours... I reckon people are going to appreciate your unique style. Anyways, come have a look over at http://glipho.com and see what you think. You can even import all your old posts from here to Glipho. It's pretty easy.

Thanks for the laughs, and the recipes. I hope to see you on Glipho soon!

All the best,

Teo

Anonymous said...

Cook more. Asshole...

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Disco80 said...

Beef meatloaf with a Riesling? The hell?

SPREADCRASHER said...

damn dude...send up a signal to let us know youre alive !!!
im jonesin' for your bullshit man.

Redharmony said...

What? Did the worst happen? Have you gotten a JOB?! Did Kraft finally offer you that coveted position in their test kitchen? Check in, Asshole.

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Sherry said...

Hope you're doing okay.

Auri said...

Hey asshole- I love that Big Gay so and so tells you he loves you and that you should stick around... and then you don't post for 7 months ;) I might make your meatloaf... however, I do have my German Nana's recipe (true story) and she might smite me if I stray.
I think of you every time I pull Old Bay from my shelf =) ~ Auri

Pinkpoop said...

Ive never had potatoes in meatloaf but im willing to try it out... Who knows it may be FANTASTIC!!

Btw.. Best blog ever! Thx!
~~pinkpoop~~

Girlyngdicky SuckerGoogy said...

Having Sex Is Good for Your Health. Lets Talk About Sex.

Mike Tooman said...

I've been reading this blog for quite a long time now, but I've never felt the need to leave a comment. Now, however, you've proven yourself to be more useless than ever, and I'm starting to wonder if you got your ass thrown in jail or something.

Where the fuck are you? It's been the better part of a year since you last posted something. Are you still alive?

Anonymous said...

The Hell??!! Nothing since Jan? ....an yeah....since you taught me how to cook just swung by to get revved up for the holidays and your dumb ass is awol?
Hopefully you've been kidnapped by Bourdain and are in some layover foodcourt, but if you ain't it's time to buy that new keyboard.

Benjamin Adams said...

Appear please.

Anonymous said...

How fucking gross, thanks for sharing, cockface cunt.

Hoofinator said...

I hope your not in the Fucking Hospital.... we need more cooking guidance, so snap out of it and get back to it....

Anonymous said...

Can't leave us hanging for a whole year.....

Anonymous said...

I really miss this blog.

Anonymous said...

So sad. This site was awesome.

thevulgarchef.com said...

if you don't put potatoes in meatloaf, you're fucking off hard