Cooking for Assholes

Backyard Eggs

2012-01-28T12:35:00.000-08:00

There are tons of hippies in Portland with nothing better todo than smoke reefer and play in their backyard. The most fashionable trend in“urban gardening” is chicken husbandry. I’ve had backyard eggs, small farmeggs, and industrial factory eggs. They all taste like fucking eggs. People arejust so busy masturbating to the idea they are saving the goddamn world byhaving pet chickens that their pliable brains tell them they taste better. Theydon’t. In any case, last night I went “urban chicken egg hunting” and made somescrambled eggs this morning. Tomorrow I’ll post a recipe for Whole RoastedUrban Chicken.

Crack the eggs into a bowl and add sour cream, water, salt,and pepper. Whisk them together until the yolks are completely combined withthe whites. Melt a little butter in a pan over medium to medium-low heatdepending on the calibration of your range. Pour in the eggs and let the bottomset ever so slightly. Using a wooden spatula, pull the sides into the center allowingthe liquid to gain access to the heated surface while simultaneously removingthe slightly cooked portion from direct heat. As soon as the entirety of the liquidhas barely become solid, pull the pan off the heat source and slide the eggs ontoa plate.

I used the eggs to make this breakfast sandwich. It hasmayo, fancy salami, and a bloomy rind cheese from Vermont. Eat it.

Steak with Creamy Mushrooms and Romanesco

2012-01-13T10:42:00.000-08:00

1 Head Romanesco

Vegetable Oil

Salt & Pepper

1/2c White Wine

2 Garlic Cloves, minced

1/2 Small Yellow Onion, minced

A Handful or Two of Fancy Mushrooms

Salt

1/2c Whole Milk or Heavy Cream

“What the fuck is that green stuff? Did you create some sortof broccoli/weed hybrid?” That, my brain-dead hippie stoner friends, isromanesco. It’s like a cauliflower except it has flavor. When you are donetrying to smoke it out of “Stevie Ray Bong,” break off a nugget and eat it. Ittastes pretty good raw but roasting eliminates a fair amount of the bitterness.

Slice the romanesco head in half, lengthwise. That’s top tobottom, dumbass. Pull all the nuggets off the core, rise with cold water, andtoss with vegetable oil, salt, and pepper. Spread them out on a baking sheetand roast at 375 degrees for about 35 minutes flipping them halfway.

In a small saucepan combine the wine, garlic, onion,mushrooms, and salt. Simmer over medium-ish heat until a good amount of thewine has evaporated. Pour in the milk/cream and reduce until thickened.

“What kind of white wine should I use? What about this dustybottle of 2006 Burgundy Chardonnay I found in my uncle’s basement?” While Ibelieve the creamy butteriness of such a wine would be a good fit for thisdish, there is no need to use such a valuable wine. Conversely, you don’t wantto use Yellowtail either. I used a Chablis because that’s what I was drinking.If I were drinking a Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc, however, I would avoid using itdue to the typical passionfruit/guava overtones. Since the sauce will be pouredover steak, the best white wine would be a big, heavily oaked chardonnay. Thisis probably the subject for a post in and of itself but suffice to say thewine’s flavor should reflect the dish in which it is to be used and vice versa.“So…Thunderbird?” Sure, why not?

Cook your steak like any other steak: Salt, pepper, and ahot ass cast iron skillet. If it doesn’t bleed when you cut into it, you fuckedup.

Like the yak and truffles, I got all the fancy mushrooms andromanesco at the Portland winter farmer’s market. For a winter market there isactually quite a bit of shit available. It’s at Shemanski Park downtown and Iwould highly suggest checking it out. Don’t let the name fool you; there are noPolish people, just a bunch of ladyboys. Eat it.

Yak Burgers with White Truffles

2012-01-12T18:55:00.000-08:00

1/2tsp Dijon Mustard

2tbl White Wine

3 Egg Yolks, reserve the whites

1/2oz Oregon White Truffles, shaved

Salt

1/2c Extra Virgin Olive Oil

1lb Ground Yak

3 Egg Whites

Fresh Bread Crumbs

I checked out the new Portland winter farmer’s marketdowntown last weekend and found a vendor selling yak meat. People in lessfortunate, crappier countries probably eat yak because there is nothing else toconsume in their barren wastelands but here in the real world rich whiteyuppies eat that shit up because it is ‘exotic’ and ridiculously expensive.Unfortunately, I am a sucker. I laid out $10 a pound for fucking ground yak andproceeded to purchase Oregon white truffles at $10 an ounce. I’m such a goodcracker.

I made an aioli type of sauce thingy with white truffles togo on the burgers. Dump the first five ingredients in a food processor andblend. While the blade is running, slowly pour in the olive oil. Done.

Ground yak is quite lean so you can form them into pattiesstraight up but I didn’t want to throw away my leftover egg whites so I mixedthem with the meat. This made a goopy mess so I diced up some baguette andtossed it in to soak up the egg white. Add some salt and pepper. Form themixture into patties and cook.

Assemble the burger. I hope you are capable of figuring thatpart out on your own but judging from the ridiculous email questions I get fromyou morons probably not.

I was absolutely floored by the incredible tastiness of thisburger. It was like licking an Angel’s taint and I’m not talking about thatchick with the sharpie eyebrows. The price is pretty outrageous but two hugeburgers with the truffle sauce were only about $7 each. I can live with that. Inoticed they take food stamps as well so you’re in luck. Eat it.

Gooze

2012-01-09T21:48:00.000-08:00

1c Clear Creek Apple Brandy

1/2c Goose Fat.

Since reserving the fat from my Christmas Goose I have been onthe lookout for interesting applications. This total moron I know and[unfortunately] lives near me, @conoat, said he was going to fatwash some ryewhiskey so I stole his idea and made it better. That’s the American way.

Heat the fat over medium heat until it starts bubbling. Dumpthe brandy in a mason jar, pour in the hot fat, slightly cool, and cover.Shakeweight that shit every ten minutes for a couple hours or you can just paythat bitch Tina from the corner who gives one dollar handjobs to do it for you.Put it in the freezer overnight.

Pull the Gooze from the freezer, let briefly thaw, and runit through one of those metal mesh thingies. Pour it into another mason jar andput it back in the freezer. Later that day, remove it from the freezer and letit briefly thaw. Put a coffee filter in one of those metal mesh thingies andpour it through. Don't forget to put a receptacle under the strainer. Been therebefore. Squeeze to drain out all the remaining Gooze.

Bacon vodka can lick my anus; Gooze is the fucking shit. You can sip it straight up or create some kind of hipster bullshitcocktail. As an addedbonus, you can smear the congealed booze fat on your toast or pancakes. If yourboss asks why you smell like hooch at eight in the morning at least now you’llhave an excuse. Drink it.

Goose Juice Soup

2012-01-04T18:12:00.000-08:00

2tbl Goose Fat

10 Red Potatoes, cut into 1/8ths

1 Yellow Onion, diced

3 Pints Goose Juice

2 Pints Water

1 Bunch Italian Kale, roughly chopped

1 Bunch Red Chard, roughly chopped

Reserved Goose Meat, shredded

This rich winter warmer soup is the perfect evening meal tosip in front of the fireplace at your getaway lodge in the mountains but sinceyou are currently shot gunning room temperature generic tomato soup out of thecan in front of the radiator at the halfway house I’m probably wasting my time.Here it goes anyway.

Cook the potatoes in the goose fat for a long ass time.“This one red potato is really big! I should still follow the directionsexactly and cut it into 1/8ths?” Are you fucking simple? Cut it into 1/16ths orsome shit. Everything is different and nothing is ever the same. There arepotential variations everywhere so at least try improvising on something assimple as how big a fucking potato should be. When the potatoes are softened,add the onion and stir until softened and fragrant.

Bust the juice into the pot and add the water. Depending onthe intensity of the broth, you might want to change the amount of water. Bringit to a boil and simmer for five minutes. Add the Italian kale and simmer forten minutes. Add the red chard and goose meat and simmer for another tenminutes. Woo your wife, wife’s younger sister, or wife’s elderly mother byserving this soup and asking, “Would you like to guzzle my goose juice?” Eatit.

Goose Juice

2012-01-04T17:56:00.000-08:00

No, I am not talking about ejaculate you fucking sicko. I madeliteral goose juice from my Christmas dinner. Some people, stupid Americanones, just huck the thing in the trash but I, as a non-moron, utilize everyedible part of all the dead animals I consume. Not because I’m some Earthhumping hippie but because I paid for that shit so I’m going to bleed it dry.If I paid a hooker for two hours and finished my business in an hour and ahalf, I’d make that bitch stare at the wall for another half hour while I finishedoff the blow.

Preserving the Fat:

After cooking the goose fucking strain the liquid fatthrough one of those mesh metal thingies and put it in the fridge, supergenius.

Making Goose Juice:

Shove the carcass in a big ass pot. Barely cover with water.Simmer for six hours. Pull out the bones, run it through a mesh metal thingy,pour it into jars, and store in the fridge for maximum freshness. Not rocketsurgery here people. Don’t forget to reserve the meat for future applications.

My goose was flavored perfectly so I didn’t need to doanything else but since your goose will suck, you might want to add someseasoning and mirepoix. That’s what French people and pretentious dicksworldwide call celery, onion, and carrot.

Eat it

2012: The Year of the Anti-Foodites

2011-12-28T13:05:00.000-08:00

News Wire: December 28, 2012

The past year has been devastating for the food industry inthe United States. After the anti-carb, anti-gluten, anti-meat, anti-dairyfanatics joined forces and came to the conclusion that all humans areintolerant to every fucking thing in the world, they decided to reject food inall its various forms other than vapors. We caught up with a self-proclaimed“Anti-Foodite” and this is what she had to say:

“I’m completely intolerant to all foods. I never realized itbefore this movement became mainstream but since I’ve stopped eating food Ifeel fantastic and I’ve lost a ton of weight! I mean, look at how little foodthose poor Asian people eat and they invented Buddhism and Yoga. I try to onlydrink one glass of water a week and every day I go to one of the many newmolecular gastronomy restaurants to breathe nutritional supplements.” She subsequently dropped to the ground and died of hunger.

Farms, grocery stores, and traditional restaurants acrossthe nation have taken devastating losses while the molecular gastronomy “BreathingRooms” have occupied every street corner. The founders of the Anti-Foodite Movementhave been elected to the highest offices in Washington and now run our countryof malnourished, self-absorbed, brain-dead yuppies.

The new US government, led by Alton “Iron Fister” Brown, hasrejected a plea from the international community to encourage its citizens tostart eating again. The US’s self-imposed famine is projected to eradicate theentire country’s population by mid 2013. The Iron Fister replied to the worldby tweeting, “Don’t hate because we are smarter than you and can turn food intovapors.” The international community @ replied him stating, “Fine, go ahead anddie. We don’t really give a shit.”

At the time of publicationthe US population was counted at less than five million and major cities suchas NYC, DC, LA, and San Francisco were reduced to ghost towns.

Happy New Year,fuckjobs.

Christmas Goose

2011-12-26T23:21:00.000-08:00

10lb Goose

1 Apple, cored and sliced

1 Orange, sliced

1 1/2c Cranberries

Kosher Salt

1/4c Honey

1/4c Ruby Port

1/4c Butter

1/4c Brown Sugar

The Christmas Goose is a longstanding tradition to honor thebirth of Santa. One December morning long, long ago a single whore mother gavebirth in the lobby of a Motel 6 after turning her third trick of the night. Incelebration of this miraculous bastard birth, the redneck tweeker desk clerkventured to the manmade lake outside, strangled the life out of a goose,drowned its orphaned young, and roasted that motherfucker over the radiator.This pivotal moment ushered in a new era for the history of human civilization.Lord Santa would grow up to become the patron saint of consumerist capitalism, servefour terms as Grand Overlord of Earth, and eight terms as Ruthless Dictatoruntil his untimely death at the hands of Jesus IV. It is in his memory that Imake this dish.

Shove your hand up the goose’s ass and pull out all theinnards. Reserve all that crap for pate or some shit. Since geese have more fatthan the dumpster behind a liposuction clinic, lightly score the breasts andlegs so it can drain out. Toss the apple, orange, and cranberry with a littlesalt and cram it up the goose’s butt. Mix the glaze ingredients together andbrush the bird with 1/4^th of it. Reserve the rest for laterapplications.

Put the dickhead, ill-tempered bird in a 375 degree oven,uncovered. After 30 minutes, baste it with some of the melted fat, add anotherlayer of glaze, loosely cover with tin foil, and turn the heat down to 350degrees. Continue to baste and glaze every thirty minutes for about two and ahalf hours. The goose will produce about a mason jar of fat so when you aredone let it cool a little and put it in the fridge. Use it in lieu of butter infuture dishes.

Share the goose with a gaggle of hookers in honor of Santa’sdirty whore mother. Eat it.

Spicy Cinnamon, Ruby Port, and Dark Chocolate Cookies

2011-12-15T11:37:00.001-08:00

2 1/2c Flour

2/3c Cocoa

2tsp Saigon Cassia Cinnamon

1 1/2tsp Baking Powder

2 Sticks of Butter, softened

1 1/2c Brown Sugar

2 Eggs

2tbl Ruby Port

5oz Dark Chocolate, coarsely chopped

I decided to make some sort of holiday-ish cookies yesterdayso I took a gander around my pantry. At first I thought of chipotle chocolatecookies but when I googled it I found out every fucker in the world has madethem, including the culinary icon Rachael Ray, so I kept looking. I found somespecialty sweet and spicy cinnamon and decided to go that route. Then I laid myeyes on some leftover port from Thanksgiving. I smelled the port and then thecinnamon. Then I stuck the port in one nostril, the cinnamon in the other, andhuffed them at the same time. Heaven.

Whisk all the dry ingredients together and set aside. Creamthe butter with the sugar, add the eggs and port, and completely combine.Slowly incorporate the dry into the wet. “Hehe, that sounds dirty.” Shut up,you fucking pervert. Fold in the dark chocolate and roll the dough into balls.“Hehe, balls.” What the fuck is wrong with you? Can you at least try to keepthe moron hole in your stupid fat face closed for one second while I finishthis? Jesus Christ. Bake them at 350 degrees for 13 minutes and transfer to awire rack to cool. Happy fucking holidays, bitches. Eat it.

Coffee Shop Scones Suck

2011-12-11T08:50:00.001-08:00

2c Flour

1c Oatmeal

1/3c Brown Sugar

Zest from 1/2 a Lemon

1 1/2tsp Baking Powder

1/2tsp Baking Soda

1/2tsp Salt

1 Stick of Butter, chilled and diced

1/2c Whole Milk

2oz Cream Cheese, room temperature

1 Egg

1/2 Pint Blueberries, or some other crappy berry

“Gross, only chicks eat scones.” Exactly, stupid. Why thefuck do you think we are making them? Furthermore, it’s those local independently owned coffeeshops where they make you feel like you’re not worthy enough to drink theirfree-trade organic shade-grown vegan-fed gluten-free pour-over French-press crappycoffee that have given scones a bad name. Since those idiots make their scones withcute puppy blood, they turn out as hard as a rock and are capable of chippingteeth. This recipe turns out fluffy delicious scones because I use ugly kittenblood. Just kidding, I drank all mine last night.

Bust up the first seven ingredients in a food processor andthen grind in the butter. Whisk together the milk, cream cheese, and egg. Dumpit in the processor and crank it. Put the dough on a surface dusted with flour andgradually fold in the blueberries. Toss and smack it around until it gets aboutten inches wide. Give it an egg wash, sprinkle on a liberal amount of whitesugar, and cut it into eight triangles.

Bake at 400 degrees for 15 minutes. Serve these to thespecial lady you are currently stalking to finally win her over. Women lovebaked goods from complete strangers. Eat it.

Drunken Mussels

2011-12-05T13:11:00.001-08:00

2lbs Mussels

1/4c Butter

4 Garlic Cloves, minced

2c High Acid White Wine

Lemon Juice, a tiny amount

Saffron, a pinch

Salt, a pinch

Garlicky Cheezy Bread

This dish contains as much wine as your mother before noonon a weekday and it’s just as acidic. The difference is we’re not going to usebox wine or a beer bong.

Gently place the mussels in a large bowl and fill it withwater. Let them sit for about a half an hour and then drain. Some will be ashairy as a French woman’s armpits so use a pair of scissors to trim that grossshit. Discard any broken or unresponsive open mussels. Remember they should bealive when they hit the pan. Dead shellfish will make you piss out your ass andshit out your mouth. Put them in the fridge while you prepare the broth.

Melt the butter over medium heat and sauté the garlic untilfragrant. Pour in the remaining ingredients and bring to a boil. “Even thegarlicky cheezy bread?” No, super genius, just add the shit that makes sense.The best wine to use here is either a French Picpoul de Pinet or a zestyPortuguese white blend. Even a New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc would work well. Iwould advise against using any wine that has seen oak or anything from Australia.Fuck Australian wine.

After the broth has reduced a little, slide the mussels intothe pan, cover, and steam for about ten minutes. Shake the pan a few timesduring this period to move the mussels around. “Wouldn’t the top fly off andcreate a huge mess?” Shake it horizontally, not vertically, dumbass. Once themussels have popped open, as seen in the picture above, they are ready to eat.If there are a few that did not fully pop, pry them open and eat them first.Those are the really tasty ones. “Really? I didn’t know that!” Okay, even I’m notthat mean. If you do that your chances of getting food poisoning skyrocket. Infact, it’s pretty much guaranteed. Discard them.

Consume this dish with some garlicky cheezy bread or pour itover some type of long skinny pasta. “Should I cook the pasta first?” Holyshit, I give up. Eat it.

Holiday Ale Festival 2011

2011-12-02T09:04:00.001-08:00

The mysterious silence of other public transit patronscombined with the repetitive thunk-clunk of the train slowly rolling over theSteele Bridge added a particular eeriness to my journey downtown. The warmwinter sun was already hidden behind the west hills striping the sky in abrilliant display of pink and purple ribbons. Soon I would be encased indarkness; the only light, created by man.

As we shuttled through the city's core I glanced overto see Portland’s living room encompassed by an expansive white tent and our Christmas tree in all its shimmering glory. Within the white canvas walls theHoliday Ale Fest was already underway. This is not your ordinary beer fest.Every beer poured is either specifically crafted for the festival, exceedinglyrare, or vintage. Aficionados and connoisseurs live for events like these wherethey can sample some of the finest beers in the world. But I am here to getfucked up. Holidaze, bitches.

They mistakenly let me through the entryway; I guess theydon’t remember me from last year. The lapse of time and man’s imperfect memoryare a scoundrel’s best friends. I purchase extra tasting tickets and make myway into the main hall. I take a survey of the land and plot my course.Imperial bourbon stouts, winter strong ales, and aged barleywines dominate thelandscape. I can hardly contain myself but the drunk tank will have a betterchance later.

After my third beer I take a seat in a hallway to discussthe nature of existence with a beautiful and intelligent woman, as usual, andthe older gentleman next to me sees someone he knows, lunges towards them,spills his beer everywhere, and attempts to drink the remaining beer in his cupbut unfortunately it’s upside down. I look at this poor wretched soul andthink, “With any luck, that could be me in an hour.”

I walk upstairs to the sky bar tent and a large portion ofthe walkway is open to the winter elements. Right as I begin to think what afantastic place this would be to sneak a puff I spot a wretched little man in asecurity uniform staring down everyone who saunters past as if they had justmurdered a dozen babies and stolen their blow. He must live for events likethis. I’m sorry the police academy wouldn’t accept you little buddy, but thatain’t my fault. His hyper-vigilance forces me to put my secondary plan intoaction. Unfortunately it involves a port-a-potty and I am none too happy about it.

The series of events that subsequently unfolded remain aspotty and mysterious so I will recount them as well as possible. I made itthrough all the beers I wanted to taste with time to spare so I retired to atable with a beautiful and intelligent woman, a different one naturally, toengage in a sophisticated and urbane discussion on the absurdity of easternphilosophy. At this point a gigantic fire breathing robotic gorilla stormed thebeer tent demanding me to apologize for my disparaging words about eastern“religions.” After I stated that you can’t spell eastern without Easter therobotic gorilla became enraged and began slaughtering everyone in sight, exceptthe bourgeois buddhists. At this point I swung down from the rafters on a giantrope and dumped a bucked of beer on the robot gorilla killing him and savingmankind from enslavement on the planet RoboGor. You’re welcome.

Oh yeah, my favorite beers were (in no particular order): Elysian’s Bye Bye Frost, Hopworks’Kentucky Christmas, Natian’s Holla-Day, Ninkasi’s The Little One, Upright’sNoel, and Oakshire’s Nutcracker. They tasted good and contained alcohol. The festival runs throughthe weekend so go get your drink on, motherfucker. www.holidayale.com

Pesto alla Stronzo

2011-12-02T07:43:00.001-08:00

3c Fresh Spinach

1 1/2c Raw Broccoli

1 Head Roasted Garlic, shucked

3/4c Parmesan

1/3c Pine Nuts

1/2tsp Kosher Salt

3/4c Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Basil pesto may be great and all but sometimes I like tomake the same shit with different crap. My favorite pesto variation is elephantgarlic scape but if you blink you will miss the season. For year rounddeliciousness Pesto alla Stronzo gets the job done. Due to its festive color itis the perfect ethnic holiday finishing sauce. Make it for your special dinner guestsand really accentuate the name to demonstrate how you’re all fucking culturedand shit.

Throw the first six ingredients into a food processor andbust it all up. While the blade is running slowly drizzle the olive oil throughthe pour spout. When there are no big chunks left it’s done. I cooked somepasta and tossed it with the pesto and a little chicken. Feel free to dowhatever you please. “Can I use it to simulate ejaculate in my bi-weekly extra-terrestrialrole play sex parties?” Sure, why not? Eat it.

Pork Loaf

2011-11-23T10:00:00.001-08:00

1 Yellow Onion, diced

4 Garlic Cloves, minced

3 Large Red Potatoes, grated and pressed

1tsp Smoked Paprika

1tsp Chili Powder

1tsp Old Bay

2c Jack Cheese

1.5lbs Ground Pork

3/4c Killer Koffee Ketchup, plus more for topping

1/3 Salt Pork, diced

1/3 Stale Baguette, diced

2 Eggs

A veritable orgasm of flavors will burst into yoursalivating mouth when you try my thick and juicy pork loaf. Just one loaf iscapable of impregnating an entire city. There will be hybrid loaf-humans for afew generations but then the loafs will take over and treat humans as second-classcitizens like we do to the gingers. Luckily as the loaf’s creator I will betheir immortal Grand Overload. My first action of office will be to enslavehumanity and force them to work in loaf factories. You better start practicing.

Saute the onion, garlic and potatoes for a few minutes. Addthe spices and stir it around for another minute or two. Set aside to cool. Mash the remaining ingredients togetherand then dump in the onion/potato mixture. Cram all that mixed up crap into abread loaf pyrex and smother the top with more Killer Koffee Ketchup.

Bake that bitch at 350 degrees for a little over an hour. Let it cool and flip it over to make it look extra loafy. Now you are ready for your newly assigned occupation, Loaf Maker #930621. Eatit.

Cranberry & Jalapeno Apple Pie

2011-11-21T18:06:00.001-08:00

2 Pie Crusts

2c Fresh Cranberries

1/2 Large Jalapeno, diced

1c Orange Juice

1/2c Brown Sugar

1tbl cornstarch

Salt

~2lbs Pink Lady Apples, skinned cored and sliced

1/2c Brown Sugar

2tsp Cornstarch

1tsp Saigon Cassia Cinnamon

1/4tsp Allspice

1/4tsp Salt

I was going to make a pumpkin apple pie for Thanksgiving butthen I was talking to this random dude about unique pie combinations andallegedly his wife had made a cranberry and jalapeno apple pie. He said shedidn’t use a recipe and just came up with the idea one day. I told him that wasbrilliant and I am stealing it. Rather than throw everything in a bowl and mixit together, I decided to take a more calculated approach. I’m glad I did.

Dump the cranberries and jalapeno in a food processor, pulsethe living shit out of them, and scrape them out into a small pot. Stir in theorange juice, brown sugar, and cornstarch. Simmer over low heat untilthickened; this will take a fair amount of time. While that crap is going, cutup your apples and toss them with the remaining ingredients.

Fill one pie crust with the apples, pour the cooledcranberry jalapeno mixture over them, and top the whole thing with another piecrust. Crimp the edges to seal it and cut some vent holes. “Mine is a completemess and it keeps falling apart! I followed your instructions exactly. What thehell?” This is obviously a case of user error. Did you place the first piecrust in a pie pan? “No, you didn’t tell me to.” Holy shit. Do you need me tohold your fucking hand and explain every little detail to you while we makethis pie? “It couldn’t hurt.” Oh yes it could.

Bake the pie at 375 degrees for about an hour. Check itafter 45 minutes to see if you need to lightly cover it with a tin foil tent sothe top doesn’t burn. Let it cool for at least four hours. Bring this pie toyour family’s Thanksgiving dinner and maybe they will not even remember thatyou blacked out and pissed in Aunt Gertrude’s closet last year. That’s the bestyou can hope for. No one will ever forget “Mescaline Christmas" when you smearedwar paint all over your naked body and started screaming at the neighbors whilebrandishing a shotgun. The trial doesn’t even start until next month. Eat it.

Gluten Free Breakfast

2011-11-20T12:08:00.001-08:00

Yeah fucking right. As a gluten enthusiastand fanatic, I can’t even envision a world without the magical wonder of such aprotein composite. I bet all those hypochondriacs who vainly attempt to purge glutenfrom their diet don’t even understand why. They were probably just told bytheir voodoo holistic armchair doctor that it is a “toxin” and needs to be “flushed”in order to feel at one with the Buddha. What’s next? Don’t tell me people aregoing to stop eating carbs, or god forbid red meat. I’ll stick to stuffing my face with whatever the hell I want and not following some ridiculous hippie fad.

Oh yeah, I made this breakfast sandwich. It is comprised of freshoff the leg prosciutto di parma, two over easy eggs, mascarpone, a lightdrizzle of olive oil and freshly cracked black pepper on a delicious super-extragluten ciabatta roll. Eat it.

ThrillistPDX: Leftover Turkey Buffins

2011-11-18T10:45:00.001-08:00

The wonderful people over at ThrillistPDX approached me andasked me to come up with a creative leftover turkey recipe that even rubeslike you could make. I wrote a short piece, took a beautiful picture, and thenthey edited all the awesome out of it! Maybe I’m not as funny as I think I am;maybe they realized the world is just not ready for my genius; maybe they ranout of room. Whatever the reason might be, here is the recipe in its entirety for your reading enjoyment:

Bisquick, Jiffy, or whatever crappy biscuit mix you usesince you can’t cook for shit

Leftover Turkey

Leftover Stuffing

Leftover Cranberry Sauce

You have a shitdickload of leftovers from Thanksgiving sinceonce again you and your trashy family got so loaded you couldn’t even eat. Whatdo you do? You could make a stupid fucking sandwich like every other idiot inthe country, or you could grow a brain. Biscuits are awesome and chicks go nutsover anything that comes out of a muffin tin so let’s make some goddamn TurkeyBuffins.

Make your biscuit mix according tomanufacturer’s instructions. Grease a muffin tin with butter, form the doughinto cups and place in each section. Fill each section with the turkey, stuffing, andcranberry sauce. Shit, throw in some fucking green bean casserole too. Why thehell not? Cover each section with the remaining dough andpinch them closed. Bake them according to the instructions on thebiscuit mix box. Eat it.

Editor’s note: A sincere thanks to ThrillistPDX for askingme to do this and then even publishing anything at all. Having my “recipe” inbetwixt recipes from three real chefs is truly an honor. Thanks again.

Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies

2011-11-16T21:24:00.001-08:00

I just made my classic peanut butter cookies and added a cupof chocolate chips. Not fucking rocket surgery. Just don’t use the peanutbutter you smeared all over your dick in a pitiful attempt to get the neighbor's dog to give you a hummer. Eat it.

Killer Koffee Ketchup

2011-11-16T17:30:00.001-08:00

1/2 White Onion, minced

5 Cloves of Garlic, Minced

1tbl Chili Powder

1tsp Cumin, your mouth

1/2tsp Cayenne

6oz Tomato Paste

1 1/2c Coffee, the liquid and not the grinds you moron

1c Diced Tomatoes, with juice

1/3c Brown Sugar

1/4c White Vinegar

1/4c Cider Vinegar

1tbl Molasses

1tsp Kosher Salt

What a great name for ketchup; I can’t believe no one hascome up with it yet. It even has a sweet acrony…oh fuck. Whoops. I’m going toget some angry emails over this one. It has brown sugar and black coffee in it!Okay, lets change the name to Crazy Coffee Catsup Project. That’s better,right? Wait, goddamn it! Well, at least it’s a little better now.

I wanted to make some ketchup for a meatloaf concept I have and after developing the recipe on paper it ended up looking a lot like amix between my Vinegar Based BBQ Sauce and my Tomato Based BBQ Sauce. Oh well, fuckit. Here is another BBQ sauce recipe; ketchup sucks anyway.

Sauté the onion in some oil over medium heat until fragrant.Add the garlic and spices and stir that shit around for a minute or two. Dumpin the remaining ingredients and lightly simmer uncovered for about two hours.Let it cool, pour it into a food processor, and pulse the fuck out of thatbitch. Scoop the “ketchup” into a mason jar and let it sit in the fridgeovernight for optimal flavor experience. Eat it.

Winter Roast

2011-11-14T11:34:00.001-08:00

2lb Cross Rib Roast

1c Vegetable or Beef Broth

1 1/2c Dry Red Wine

1/2 Yellow Onion, sliced

4 Cloves of Garlic, minced

1tbl Dijon Mustard

1tsp Herbs de Provence

Salt & Pepper

2 Rutabagas, peeled and chopped

2 Turnips, peeled and chopped

3 Parsnips, peeled and chopped

4 Carrots, peeled and chopped

5 Red Potatoes, chopped

8 Sprigs of Fresh Thyme

Salt & Pepper

This year I decided to make a winter roast with the hippieroot vegetables I shunned last year and they actually turned out really well. “Hey genius! I hate to break it to youbut it is not technically winter yet.” Holy fuck. You think I give a shit? Wellguess what? It is goddamned winter now you prescriptivist prick. “Why?” BecauseI fucking said so, bitch. As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, theseweirdo roots were pretty darn good with the exception of the rutabaga. Thatpoor bastard tastes like sweet potato and sweet potatoes fucking blow.

Mix all the marinade ingredients and soak the beef for eighthours. In the fridge, stupid.

Take the remaining ingredients and toss them with a littlevegetable oil. Place them in a super large casserole/baking dish, cover withtin foil, and roast at 425 degrees for a little over an hour.

Pull the beef out of the marinade and quickly sear it overhigh heat to make it look pretty. Turn the oven down to 225 degrees, remove thetin foil from the vegetables, and place the beef on top. Cook it for anothertwo hours. A fork should easily pierce the vegetables and the beef should be atexactly 140 degrees if you are a pussy and need to use a meat thermometer. Letthe beef sit for ten minutes before you start slicing it. Eat it.

The World’s Best Clam Chowder II

2011-11-09T20:00:00.000-08:00

2lb Manila Clams, live

3tbl Butter

7 Red Potatoes, diced into tiny chunks

1 Yellow Onion, diced

1tbl Old Bay

5tbl Flour

1 1/2c Dry White Wine

2c Whole Milk

1c Heavy Cream

Bay Leaf

About a year and a half ago I made The World’s Best Clam Chowder. Even though it kicked the collective ass of every other clam chowderin the history of the universe, I somehow figured out how to make it evenbetter. My only competition is myself and I always win. Conversely, I guess thatmeans I always lose too. Either way, this clam chowder is creamier and morecomforting than a lactating angel’s teat.

Soak your clams in a bowl of water to clean them. If thewater starts getting nasty, dump it out and refill it. If there are any brokenclams or open ones that are unresponsive do not cook them because you willprobably die and then your idiot family will spend the rest of their daysclogging up our court system in a vain attempt to cash in on your stupidity.

Steam your clams until they fully pop which should takearound ten minutes. “How do I steam the clams? Should I use my clothes iron topress down on them while pushing the steam button?” Yeah, sure. Then you canuse your fucking vibrator to stir the chowder. Put a steaming basket (it’s thecircular folding thing with holes that resembles an alien spacecraft) in alarge pot, fill it with water to just under the basket, boil the water, dump inthe clams, and cover the pot. When they pop open remove the meat from theshells and set aside.

Melt the butter over medium to medium-low heat and sauté thepotatoes, onion, and Old Bay until softened. This will take a while. Stir inone tablespoon of flour at a time until fully incorporated. Cook it in for aminute and then pour in the wine. I was going to do half wine and half clamjuice but the button was popped on my clam juice and I’m not about to fuck withthat shit. Stir it around for a minute and add the milk, cream, and bay leaf.Bring it to a slight simmer, reduce for little bit, dump in the clam meat, andremove from heat. The clams are already cooked and you don’t want them to havethe consistency of silly putty so be careful. Let the chowder cool completely,slowly warm it back up on the stovetop, and serve with some of that Frenchiebread. Eat it.

A Very Gouda Mac and Cheese

2011-11-01T13:10:00.000-07:00

1lb Rigatoni, cooked according to manufacturer’sinstructions

4tbl Butter

½ Yellow Onion, chopped

1/2tsp Smoked Paprika

1c Whole Milk, not that watered down crap

1c Heavy Cream

1/4tsp Kosher Salt

.4lbs Goat Gouda, grated

.4lbs Parrano Gouda, grated

.4lbs Aged Gouda, grated

Breadcrumbs

Thank God for commonly mispronounced foreign words or else Iwouldn't be able to write things like “Oh my Goud-a” and “this is one gouda dish!” And soon and so forth ad nauseum. “Those puns brie terrible, munster.” Bleu me,Monterey Jackass.

Melt the butter over medium-low heat, add the smoked paprikaand the onion until lightly softened and fragrant. Pour in the milk and heavycream, bring to a light simmer, and dump it into a large bowl filled with thefirst two cheeses. Stir until combined, add the pasta, and stir again. Pourhalf the cheesy pasta into a 3 quart casserole dish and top with half the agedgouda. Add the rest of the pasta and sprinkle with the remaining aged gouda.Finish off the dish with some breadcrumbs. Ideally you should use stale breadbut I only had the crappy processed fine grain breadcrumbs. Some people,self-loathing westerners, use panko but then you would have to change the nameof the dish to The Sitting Gouda or something equally as stupid.

Bake it in a 352 degree oven for 54.5 minutes. All thoseother mac and cheeses? Forgoudabout them. Eat it.

Blumpkin Pie

2011-10-27T12:21:00.000-07:00

1 Pie Pumpkin

1/2c Blue Cheese, crumbled

1/2c Pecans, crumbled

1/2c Brown Sugar

1/4c Heavy Cream

2 Eggs, beaten

2tbl Fresh Thyme

Salt

I have made a buttload of pumpkin pies in the pastbut the Blumpkin Pie is the most pleasurable experience I have had in a longtime. “Holy shit that piece of pie is huge! It totally dwarfs that pumpkin!” First,you are a fucking idiot; the pumpkin in the picture is the size of my fist.Second, that statement is totally insensitive; those people would prefer yousay “it totally midgets that pumpkin.” Dickhead.

Most people turn their delicious savory pumpkin into agoddamn sugar bomb; this is stupid. Doesn’t it make sense to channel theoriginal flavor of the ingredient in question into the final product? I decidedto mix blue cheese, pecans, fresh thyme, and brown sugar into fresh pumpkin asa sweet and savory pie experiment. It should come as no surprise that I fuckingrocked the shit out of it, per usual.

Find one of those little pie pumpkins at the store. You canuse a carving pumpkin but your entire family will laugh their asses off andmake fun of you for the rest of your sad pathetic life because it will tastelike garbage. Oops, I mean, only use a carving pumpkin; those pie pumpkinsdon’t work for pies.

Half the pumpkin lengthwise, scoop out all the stringy shitand seeds, cut the halves in half, place them skin side up in a casserole dish,cover, and bake at 400 degrees for about 40 minutes. They are done when a forkcan be inserted into the flesh with ease. When they cool down a little, removethe skin and puree the goo with an immersion blender. I only used a little overhalf my pumpkin and I just threw the rest in the fridge for future use.

Add all the other crap to the pumpkin and pour it into a pie crust. Bake it at 350 degrees for about 55 minutes. Start checking it at40 minutes as it may need a tin foil tent to prevent excess doo doo browning.Let it cool completely.

Dig in with your hands and smear that Blumpkin Pie all overyour face. Since it contains cheese, store the pie in the fridge or else yournext Blumpkin Pie will lack the same structural integrity. Eat it.

Brussels Sprout and Sardine Salad

2011-10-19T16:03:00.000-07:00

Brussels Sprouts

Red Onion, sliced

Sardines in Mustard, canned

Roasted Garlic (break the head into cloves, oil, baking sheet, 375deg ~20min)

Sea Salt & Black Pepper

Like just about everyone else in this godforsaken world, Ifucking hate mushy Brussels sprouts. I have tried various methods ofpreparation and roasting is by far and away the superior technique. The otherday, however, I was making my world famous Roasted Brussels Sprouts and made a surprising discovery. While slicing those bad boys in half, I happenedto pull off a leaf and taste it just for shits and giggles. Shockingly, Brusselssprouts taste fantastic raw. The moral of the story here is that you should beputting more shit in your mouth.

Cut the node off the Brussels sprouts, halve them, carve out the core, pull all the leaves apart, and toss with the red onion. Tossthat salad, gently and sensuously. Plate it up and add a few sardines andgarlic cloves in a decorative manner with a drizzle of the mustard sauce. Ifyou want to be super fancy like me you can mince some red onion, mash it upwith a few sardines, cram it into a small dish or cup (I used an espresso cup),and plop it down on top. It looks cool and fools people into thinking you knowwhat you are doing without them seeing right through you.

If you want to be super-duper fancy you can plate it Muse-Douchestyle. The problem with this method is that everyone will immediately realizeyou are an insecure pretentious prick who desperately seeks attention andapproval. This will become abundantly clear once you start asking your guestshow they like the food and then offering a multitude of excuses for why it isbarely palatable before they even have a chance to answer you. “Well, I thoughtit was pretty good but you have done an excellent job convincing me that itsucks shit.” Eat it.

Shit on a Table

2011-09-12T07:50:00.000-07:00

Since I didn't end up making anything super exciting this weekend and you psychopaths can't go a full week without bitching at me to post something new, here are a bunch of crappy pictures of my idiot friends eating my Shit in a Pot. Enjoy.

Shit in a Pot

2011-09-05T09:23:00.000-07:00

Old Bay, an ungodly amount
3tbl Kosher Salt
3lbs Red Potatoes
2.5lbs Sausage
6 Ears of Corn, cleaned and halved
5lbs Live Blue Crab
2lbs Head-On Shrimp, deveined but unpeeled
1 Case of Yuengling

After my supermercado discovery, I returned days later to take them up on their five pounds of live blue crab for eight dollars deal. When I arrived, there was a bushel outside the seafood counter with five crabs that were unresponsive and moments from certain death. So I yelled out to the fish monger, "Yo muchacho! Que es non-deado crablata?" The jackass looked at me like he never heard anyone speak Mexican before but then he grabbed the bushel, took it in the back, and returned with a shitload of crabs that were feistier than a gang of cholas. See, all you have to do is ask politely.

Get out the biggest pot you have. That's it? Are you kidding? You need a bigger one. Ask your girlfriend to "borrow" one from her dishwasher job or just lift one from your local soup kitchen. Fill it up with water but remember that everything you put in it is going to displace the water and you don't want it to overflow. About 65% full should do it. Bring it to a rolling boil and dump in the Old Bay and salt. I used a little over half a tin of Old Bay so that's roughly four ounces. If you are a giant pussy and have trouble cracking crab, add some white vinegar too. Let it roll for five minutes.

Now it's time to start shitting all over this pot. Wash the potatoes and make a small puncture mark in the casing of the sausages. You can use whatever raw sausage you wish but don't buy something stupid like apple-chicken, cheese filled hot dogs, or Jimmy Dean turkey breakfast sausage. Throw the potatoes and sausages in the pot and let it boil for no more than ten minutes. Toss in the corn and crab. It's fun to dump in the live crab and watch them slowly sink in their watery Old Bay grave while vainly flailing their claws in a last ditch effort for survival. Stupid crabs. Let it boil for no more than ten minutes, remove from heat, add the shrimp, and let it sit for no more than ten minutes. See a pattern here yet? Strain it all out (reserve the stock for future projects) and place all the shit in the center of a newspapered table.

I got all this crap at the supermercado for $37. At Whole Foods this will get you 15 crabs. Pre-cooked. Guess what? My crabs were free range too. It took four of us over an hour to finish all this food. Eating well is not about money; it is about having a brain and using it. If you shop like an idiot you will eat like an idiot, affluent or poor. The former waste their money on holistic snake oil. The latter waste it on pre-packaged processed food. My point is that everyone is stupid as shit, except me. Eat it.

Pig Ear and Neck Sandwiches OR Why the Nose to Tail Movement is Bullshit

2011-08-29T15:23:00.000-07:00

5 Pig Ears

2lb Pork Neck Bones, meaty

1 White Onion, sliced

2 Jalapeno Peppers, wheeled

5 Whole Garlic Cloves, Peeled

2tbl Old Bay

1tbl Paprika

1tbl Chili Powder

2tsp Oregano

2tsp Cumin

1/4c White Vinegar

2c Vegetable Broth

Water, lots

Vinegar Based Coleslaw, optional

Mustard, brown

Shitty White Buns

I love eating new and different sections of animals. They are super tasty (for the most part) and incredibly cheap because stupid Americans like you have a stick up their ass and refuse to consume them. Recently a self-proclaimed "movement" has emerged in the hipster food world called "Nose to Tail." These pretentious dickheads utilize every part of the animal and think they are goddamn pioneers. It's not a movement you idiotic jackasses. People have been eating every part of the animal since the dawn of man. You think you're so fucking special because you finally stopping being a prudish jackass? Congratulations on pulling your head out of your ass. Here is your fucking Nobel Prize. I hope you feel better about yourself.

Walk into any serious "ethnic" market and you will be presented with animal parts you didn't even know existed. Every third product will make you ask out-loud, "Wait, you can eat that?" Yes you can. You can eat just about everything but all you dumb Americans freak out about it while cramming hot dogs, McRibs, and chicken nuggets in your stupid fat faces. Also, everything at these markets is so fucking cheap it makes WinCo look like Whole Foods. The seafood counter at the Mexican market where I procured the pig parts was offering five pounds of live crab for eight dollars. Rest assured I will be back later this week for some serious crab action.

Place the ears in a bowl and fill with water. Shake them around, dump out the water, and repeat until the water stops turning murky. My ears were cleaned pretty damn well but if there is any hair or gristle, cut it off. Set aside.

Brown the meaty neck bones in a big ass pot and then dump in everything else. Use as little water as possible but make sure everything is covered. Lightly simmer for about two hours. Pull all the shit out of the pot to put on your sandwich and save the liquid for some other dish. Pull the neck meat off the vertebrae, dice up the pig ear, and mix them together. If you desire a crispy texture, pan sear the meat right before serving. Top with vinegar based coleslaw or just a little mustard as I did. Eat it.

Hurricane: The Drink

2011-08-28T10:53:00.000-07:00

By now you are probably all sick and fucking tired with the inundation of all things hurricane. "Hell yes." Well that's too goddamn bad because now you have to read this, suckers. Last night, while I rode out the most fearsome and destructive hurricane to hit North America since Whitey showed up, I created my own version of The Hurricane while only listening to songs with the name hurricane in the title or at least a strong storm theme. I took a few creative liberties with the drink and came up with something pretty damn good.

First I substituted bourbon for rum because bourbon is way better. Then I took all the fruit juices and sugar syrups and threw them in the trash. Finally I added some ice cubes to the bourbon. Best hurricane recipe ever. Drink it.

Stoned Beans

2011-08-26T14:23:00.000-07:00

8oz Salt Pork, coarsely chopped

1 White Onion, diced

1 Jalapeno, diced

2c Tomato Based BBQ Sauce, chipotle variation

1c Brown Sugar

1/3c White Vinegar

Large Squirt of Dijon Mustard

5c Great Northern Beans

This is the best baked beans recipe you will ever find. "Why?" Because I fucking made it, dumbass, that's why. No stupid talking dogs or secret recipes here folks. This is the real deal.

The crappy recipes, most all of them, call for bacon or canned baked beans. "No bacon?!? Blasphemy!" Would you let me fucking finish, Jesus. As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, using bacon is dumb as hell. A dish such as this should, nay, must start with salt pork as it is way fattier and better suited for slow cooking. Anyone who uses bacon is a moron. For those people who use canned baked beans as the base of their baked beans recipe, you are all fucking idiots. We are creating a dish, not embellishing a processed canned product. This is almost as bad as starting a BBQ sauce recipe with "one bottle of BBQ sauce." Almost.

Toss the salt pork in a large dish that is suitable for both the stovetop and the oven. Stir that shit around over medium-low heat until the fat starts melting. Throw in the onion, saute until it looses its firmness, and add the jalapeno for another few minutes. Remove the dish from heat and dump in all the other crap. "How do I make the chipotle version of your BBQ sauce?" Gee, let me think for a minute. Well, you might try adding some fucking chipotle. You want me to stand behind you and make your arms move while you cook too? "Can I add some beer or bourbon so I can sound cool in front of my friends?" First off, your wife's co-workers are not your friends. Second, sure you can but it will not taste any different and you will waste good booze. Just drink it and say you put it in the beans.

Bake that bitch at 300 degrees for three and a half hours, stirring every hour. If you don't make your own BBQ sauce this dish will suck shit. It will take a while but it will be in perfect tandem with that huge pork shoulder slow cooking on the grill. Eat it.

Tunatato Mini Casseroles

2011-08-21T14:25:00.001-07:00

After indulging in some serious Five Guy's action, I was left with a metric fuckton of cajun fries. At first I thought of using them for a potato quiche crust but then I was presented with a shitdickload of tuna salad so I came up with a way to use them both: Tunatato Mini Casseroles.

Mash up all the fries and press a layer into the ramekins. Cram in a bunch of tuna salad and top with remaining mashed fries and grated cheddar cheese. Bake them at 350 degrees for like 40 minutes or whatever. Garnish with un-mashed fries to make it all pretty and shit.

Lick my ass, crappy tuna melt. There's a new sheriff in town. Eat it.

She-Crab Soup

2011-08-15T10:34:00.000-07:00

3tbl Butter

2tbl Flour

3c Whole Milk

1/2 White Onion, minced

1.5tsp Old Bay

Lemon Zest, a teeny tiny bit

The Meat from Five Blue Crabs

The Roe from Two Blue Crabs

Parsley, for a pretty garnish

A few of the crabs I picked up yesterday were female (you can tell because the backfin thingy is super wide) and when I cracked them open there was a ton of hard bright orange shit. "Gross! Did you just throw it away as quickly as possible without finding out what it was?" No, you fucking moron. Since I have a brain and choose to use it, I guessed that these were the eggs and after a little webernets sleuthing it turns out I was right. Big surprise. Crab roe can be consumed raw but just about everyone on the eastern seaboard makes soup out of it. For lack of any better idea, so did I.

Make a roux with the butter and flour over low heat. Slowly drizzle in the milk while constantly whisking. Cook over low heat until the milk thickens up a little bit. This will take a while but be sure not to let it boil. Add the onion, Old Bay, and lemon zest. Lemon can be your best friend or your worst enemy so be very careful how much you use. At the end dump in the roe and crab meat and only cook it long enough to bring it to the same temperature as the soup. Traditionally, people add a splash of sherry after putting the soup in a bowl. Fuck sherry. Feel free, however, to splash a vinegar based hot sauce like Crystal or Trappey's on top. Eat it.

Cell Block C Lamb Shanks

2011-08-15T07:55:00.001-07:00

2 Lamb Shanks

4 Red Potatoes, cut into large chunks

1 Fennel Bulb, sliced

4 Garlic Cloves, minced

1 Sprig of Rosemary

1 1/2c Red Wine

1 1/2c Beef/Veal Broth

This cut of lamb (the upper leg where it meets the shoulder) is called a shank because you can whittle the bone against the corner of a concrete wall to make a shiv so you can shank the motherfucker who stole your pudding. Better watch your back on the exercise yard, bitch. No one takes my pudding without a subsequent trip to the nurse's station.

Get out your Le Creuset, brown the shanks on all sides, and remove from the pot. Reserve the blood and place it over your cell door to ward off that dickhead Angel of Death. Toss in the potatoes and fennel and stir that shit around for a minute before you add the garlic. Once the garlic is slightly fragrant, throw in the rosemary and liquids, return the shanks to the pot, cover, and place in a 300 degree oven for like three hours or something. I didn't really keep track. Just cook it until it is done, genius. Garnish with a pretty fennel frond. Eat it.

Crab Fusillata OR How Not to Shop Like an Idiot

2011-08-14T12:47:00.001-07:00

1/4c Butter

2tbl Flour

2tsp Old Bay

3/4c Dry White Wine

2 Garlic Cloves, minced

Whole Steamed Crab, as much as you please

1 Package Fusillata, or whatever kind you have on hand

Asparagus, pan fried or roasted

Today I scored over a dozen crabs at the farmer's market for five dollars. "How the fuck did you do that?" Shut your goddamn mouth for a second and I will explain it, you impatient jackass. I arrived at the market a half hour before closing and casually strolled by my favorite fish monger to see what they had available. At that time the crabs were a dollar each which is not too bad considering Whole Foods charges two fifty.

Side note: if you shop at Whole Foods you are a fucking dumbass and you deserve to have your money taken from you. The old adage "you get what you pay for" only applies to stupid dickheads who don't know any better, like you. The smartest way to shop is purchase your secondary ingredients at the megamart and your primary ingredients at the farmer's market or local specialty grocer.

To continue, I decided to move on and peruse other vendors at the market knowing full well that right before closing the fish monger would mark everything down drastically in order to liquidate their inventory. I returned a few minutes later to find bags of six or more crabs for four dollars each. I asked if they would give me two for five and they reluctantly acquiesced. Then I asked if they could break a hundred dollar bill just to fuck with them. I can see the blood vessels burst in their foreheads every time I walk up to their stand.

Melt the butter over the lowest heat possible and then stir in the flour and Old Bay for a few minutes until it no longer tastes like raw flour. Should take about a minute or two of constant stirring. Add the wine and garlic and stir until thickened and all the booze has cooked off. Pour it over the crab and completely combine. Turn in the pasta and garnish with the asparagus. Eat it.

Boozicles II: Three Way Candy Stout

2011-08-08T17:29:00.000-07:00

Following the incredible success of my first attempt at Boozicles, I traveled great distances in oppressive weather to procure a real popsicle mold. When I came across one in the shape of rocketpops perched alone on the shelf, I knew it was destined for my ill-conceived projects.

After careful consideration, I decided to glutton it up a bit and get rid of the stupid crappy "healthy" bullshit. No more fresh fruit and sissy sparkling rose for this guy. I picked up a six pack of stout, a shitload of candy, and made me some decadent ass Boozicles. Welcome to fucking America, bitches.

I made three different candy stout boozicles: Reese's Cup, Kit Kat, and York. Freeze the candy and dice it up into tiny pieces. Fill the tip of each Boozicle with the diced candy and pour in the stout until halfway full. Freeze them until mushy and repeat. This method ensures proper layering. When they are completely frozen, pull out, and put those skyrockets in flight. Lick it.

Southwestern Fried Chicken

2011-08-07T19:03:00.000-07:00

I don't even know if they have fried chicken in the southwest but I don't give a shit and I'm to go call it that anyway. How do you make it? Mix a bunch of "southwestern-y" spices into the flour before you dredge the chicken, genius. Not that fucking hard. Eat it.

Nectarine, Raspberry, and Rosato Boozicles

2011-08-07T12:56:00.000-07:00

I picked up a bunch of nectarines and raspberries at the store the other day and my first idea was to make some sort of mini pie or cobbler but I reminded myself it was hot as fuck outside and quickly got the bright idea to make popsicles. Apparently a popsicle tray is harder to find in this town than a contraceptive at the Vatican so I had to improvise: Dixie cups and plastic spoons. My idol Martha Stewart would be proud.

What could possibly make fruit popsicles better? Booze. I harkened back to the time I threw a bottle of champagne in the freezer to accelerate its chilling. It subsequently exploded creating an enormous mess. Luckily I was at an idiot friend's party so I just left because I sure as fuck didn't want to clean that shit up. The moral of the story is that champagne freezes but I took it one step further and decided to use a sparkling rose to enhance my popsicles.

Dice up two big ass nectarines, two white nectarines, and toss them in a food processor with 1c of raspberries. Pulse until smooth and pour into a large bowl. Gradually stir in 1.5c sparkling rose until completely combined. Fill up the cups and stick in a spoon. Freeze.

Since there is no heat involved, these popsicles still contain alcohol. They are therefore a fantastic treat for the kiddos on a hot summer afternoon. All kidding aside, this opens up a whole new world of booze popsicles that I intend to explore ad nauseum. Eat it.

Baked Hot Dogs

2011-08-05T17:07:00.001-07:00

The worst part about cooking and writing about it is that every idiot you come across tries to tell you what to make and/or write about. Have a brilliant creative idea? Keep it to your fucking self, stop bothering me, and do your own thing. Once in a disease free hooker, however, someone actually has a rare display of sagacity and I take note. I was talking with this old southern dude the other day and he was describing to me how his grandmother made baked hot dogs. She obviously remembered the Great Depression like it happened the day before. If I had been totally baked at the time it would have seemed like a good idea; so I got lifted and made the stupid baked hot dogs.

The general idea is to cook some hot dogs, plop down your favorite toppings and bake the whole fucking thing at 375 degrees for 8.25 minutes. I pan fried two dogs, sliced them lengthwise, and placed them in some buns slathered with chipotle adobo. I topped them with jalapeno, tomato, white onion, and cheddar. You can do whatever the fuck you want; I don’t give a shit. Just make sure the buns are not touching the sides of the dish or each other so they get nice and crispy. These bad boys could only be better if they were wrapped in bacon and served by a mermaid riding a unicorn in an enchanted forest. Now if you will excuse me, this second doobie ain’t gonna smoke itself. Eat it.

Kitchen Sink Salsa

2011-07-29T14:49:00.001-07:00

(Not Pictured: Mr. White Onion)

I had this big ass steak in the fridge with my name written all over it but I needed some kind of accompaniment. As previously discussed, a nice steak only needs a little salt & pepper and a quick sear. The best way to enhance said steak is to serve it with a little condiment on the side. I found all this crap hanging around, put it together, and made a pretty killer salsa type thingamajigger. "Where did you get the recipe?" Are you not fucking listening? I just throw shit in a bowl I think would taste good together. It's that easy. The only time I follow instructions is when I buy furniture from IKEA. I learned that lesson the hard way.

I shucked the corn and tossed it in a 400 degree oven for twenty-something minutes, maybe longer. This would have been much better if I pulled back the husk, ripped out all that stringy crap, re-husked it, and grilled it but whatever. Then I roasted the poblano peppers over a gas burner until they were completely black and wiped them clean. If you don't have a gas range, an electric broiler works just fine. Everything else I just diced and dumped in a bowl. Add the cilantro, lime, and extra virgin olive oil last so you have a better visual picture of how much to use. Place beside bloody steak. Eat it.

Fuck All of You III

2011-07-29T01:36:00.000-07:00

Recently a bunch of you idiots have been bothering the hell out of me and complaining about how I should post recipes more often. I'm sorry, let me refund your monthly payment since you are obviously unsatisfied as a customer. Oh wait, you don't pay shit. You have the immense privilege of reading years of my work for free and you still bitch? This is what is wrong with America. Why don't you write some fucking garbage to entertain me for once? Wait, I take that back. The last thing I need to read is what shenanigans your six cats got into today accompanied by video updates. I'm sorry you don't know what the fuck you're doing with your sad pathetic life and you need me to hold your dick while you piss and wipe your ass after you shit. I'm not your goddamn mother and I certainly couldn't care less about your wellbeing. I also don't have five different strains of syphilis. I'm tired of your demanding bullshit; don't fucking tell me what to do. Leave me the fuck alone and I'll post recipes whenever the fuck I feel like it.

P.S. New recipes coming soon!!!! Stay posted!!!!!

Vinegar Based BBQ Sauce

2011-07-07T17:04:00.000-07:00

As you stupid fucks may remember, I made a tomato based BBQ sauce a long ass time ago but today we are going to learn the art of the vinegar based BBQ sauce. Furthermore, this post will be a schooling in improvisation since you dumb jackasses can't think for yourselves.

I developed an amazing vinegar BBQ sauce recipe a while ago but the other day I made pulled pork and didn't have all the ingredients for the sauce. "Oh, you must have been so embarrassed and given up immediately!" Sorry, I'm not a giant fucking sissy like you. I utilized the ingredients at my disposal and it ended up being just as good. The moral of the story? Don't follow any bullshit jacked up recipe and use your pea-sized dinosaur brain for once.

Original Recipe:

1tbl Butter

1/2 White Onion, minced

1c Cider Vinegar

1/2c White Vinegar

2/3c Ketchup (don't judge, bitch)

1/2c Water

1tsp White Sugar

1tsp Brown Sugar

1tsp Salt

1tsp Pepper

1/2tsp Cayenne

Soften the onion in the butter and dump in all the other crap. Boil, simmer, and reduce for 30 minutes. Done.

Improv Recipe:

2tbl Butter

1/2 White Onion, Minced

3 Garlic Cloves, Minced

1c Rice Vinegar

1/2c White Vinegar

2/3c Tomato Sauce

1/2c Water

1.5tbl White Sugar

3tbl Brown Sugar

1tsp Molasses

1tsp Old Bay

1tsp Salt

1tsp Pepper

1/2tsp Cayenne

Soften the onion and garlic in the butter. Dump in all the other crap. Boil, simmer, and reduce for 30 minutes. Done.

Fucking get it? Eat it.

Chipotle Chuck Chili

2011-06-28T07:39:00.001-07:00

Bacon, a shitload

3lb Bone-In Chuck Blade Roast

1 large Yellow Onion, diced

1tbl Old Bay

1tbl Paprika

1tbl Chili Powder

1tsp Cumin

1tsp Oregano

1/2tsp Cayenne

6-8 Garlic Cloves, minced

25oz Diced Tomatoes, with juice

15oz Tomato Sauce

12oz Beer

6-8 Chipotle Peppers in Adobo, minced

Putting beans in meat chili is like french kissing a hooker; it's fucking disgusting. Only hippie vegetarians put beans in chili and that's only because they have no better alternative. What losers. Real chili is meat on meat, with more meat. The key, however, is using the right cuts.

Some people, stupid ones, use ground beef in chili. This has to be one of the dumbest ideas in the history of human civilization, besides "democracy" of course. That ground up garbage cooks in thirty seconds and after three hours of simmering it is completely obliterated and flavorless. The best meat to use is chuck roast as it is designed for slow simmering and tastes infinitely better. The more you know.

Get out a big ass pot and start cooking your bacon. Take out your chuck blade roast and cut it up into pieces. I ain't no professional meat slicing dude but I figured out the easiest way to cut it is along the marbling. Section it off and reserve the bones and large fat packs. Cut the remaining pieces into cubes that are a little bit larger than bite size as they will shrink. When the bacon is transparent, remove it from the pot, lightly brown the beef (including the bone and fat packs) in the bacon grease, and remove it from the pot.

Toss in your onion and spices. I always saute spices with onion and other shit. I'm not sure if it does anything but psychologically I think I am making them "fragrant." Whatever. If the pot is too dry at this point pour in a little vegetable oil. Add your garlic and stir that shit around for another minute. Throw in the tomato products, reserved meats, beer, and chipotle peppers. Lightly simmer uncovered for three hours, stirring occasionally. Don't forget to remove the bones and fat packs before serving, genius. Eat it.

Dark Chocolate Habanero Mini Pies with Sea Salt

2011-06-23T16:18:00.000-07:00

1 Pie Crust (handmade, you lazy sack of crap)

6oz Dark Chocolate

3/4c Heavy Cream

1tbl Sugar

1 Egg, beaten

1-2 Habanero Peppers, minced

Sea Salt, for garnish

I love spicy chocolate like I love the junk in your mother's trunk. I was going to make strawberry chocolate mini pies but then I remembered I had a bunch of habanero peppers in the fridge that I needed to use. Don't ask. I made a spicy French Brownie a while ago but as we all know the habanero is a much more formidable opponent than measly red pepper chocolate. These will definitely inflict some serious chest burn but all good food does so suck it the fuck up, pansy.

Make the pie crust as directed in the post but add 1tbl sugar since this is a sweet pie. Roll it out, quarter it (i.e. slice it into four parts, genius), and form into your little ramekin things. Place them in the fridge while you prepare the filling.

Chop up the chocolate and place it in a large bowl. Pour the heavy cream into a small saucepan and bring it to a very slight boil over medium-low heat. You are not trying to cook it, just get it hot enough to melt the chocolate. If you ever read a recipe that says to "scald" your milk product, they obviously have their heads up their fucking asses. Scalding is an archaic technique that became obsolete after pasteurization. Sometimes you want to have milk products at room temperature but any and all scalding is completely unnecessary. Pour the hot cream over the chocolate, whisk them together, and mix in the remaining ingredients. Use one habanero if you are a total sissy but use two or more if you are a badass. I used eight peppers because I am just that hardcore.

Evenly pour the chocolate mixture into the pie crusts and bake them at 325 degrees for 40ish minutes until they puff up and solidify. Jiggle them a little to test their consistency. Garnish with sea salt and another habanero. Eat it.

Funny Google Searches IV

2011-06-20T12:56:00.000-07:00

In this edition of Funny Google Searches we continue our vain attempt to comprehend how fucked up some people really are. These are actual terms people searched via the Googles and found their way to my stupid website. Enjoy.

Guy Fieri Asshole - I hope this dude was not looking for pictures.

Salsa Asshole - And you thought it burned coming out.

Balls in Asshole - Maybe he meant "balls deep."

Cookingforassholes.com - Fucking moron.

Green Butt Bomber Recipe - It's a type of fly for fishing. Utterly disappointing.

I said I want tofu roll up on your ass. get straight - Um, okay.

www.cookingfor assholes.com - You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Ass Chicken Porn - Why watch it when you can do it yourself for $2.99 a pound?

Aunts Ass Fuck - Which is worse: Bestiality or incest?

Baby Cow Fuck - Animal pedophilia? That's a new one.

Banana in Ass Holes - This just seems normal now.

Big Dick Fucking Big Ass - Gotta stay consistent.

Carl Winslow Fan Page - This person searched from Google 1992 edition

City of Yakima Fucked - Basically.

Cobbler who was fuck by some schoolgirl in Ghana - That's quite a specific fetish.

Cooking blog + profanity + fuck - He stuck around for 10 minutes.

Cooking for Assholes is wonderful - Thank you, thank you.

Crab Pint Glasses Eat Me - Is there a term for that phobia?

Dumbass Cooking - Hey!

Facefucking how to - Seems pretty self-explanatory to me.

French way to fuck wife ass - Answer: use the ass of any wife but your own.

Fucking a baby cow - Again? Lord help us all.

Gay Hot Carl - I dare you to google image search this.

Guy Fieri Idiot - Yup

Guy Fieri is an Idiot - I see a theme developing here.

Hipster Cooking Website - I blocked this person's IP address.

How to Facefuck - I don't understand how this term is misleading in any way.

Is fish taco a euphemism for anything? - No, of course not.

Maryland blue crabs suck - Take that back!

Oldbigvagina - How did he know your Mother's nickname?

Plastic utensil melted in oil - Of course it did you dumb jackass.

Porn ass in chicken - How would that even work?

rv42002 - What the fuck?

sfresahlyfuckedshem,aleassholestoseeforfree - I sincerely hope this person was drunk.

Smores in my pussy - Interesting...

thehopandvine.com - Damn, people are fucking stupid.

Weiner is an ugly asshole - Six chicks on the interwebs think otherwise.

Why are assholes brown? - I'll give you one guess.

www.cookingforassholes/bogspot.com - Holy shit.

you can eat shit and fucking die - My sentiments exactly.

"Cooking Asshole" sucks donkey - Only that one time and I learned my lesson.

Snort powder line screen saver - Nothing like advertising your illicit drug use to your coworkers.

That does it for this edition of Funny Google Searches, a.k.a. People are fucking crazy. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

Buffalo Tongue Tacos

2011-06-07T19:43:00.001-07:00

I was at the farmer's market this weekend and I stumbled upon buffalo tongue. Much to my surprise, a two pound tongue was only $4. Then I realized that all you stupid Americans have this ridiculous hang-up about eating the most delicious parts of the animal and therefore drive the prices down. Good. More for me you stupid fucking idiots! Offal is insanely underrated and so tasty it will smother your mother and make your sister think it loves her. Okay, I stole that last line from NWA but whatever...

Look at this fine specimen in all its glory! I decided to make tacos, at my feisty churro chiquita girlfriend's demand, and I immediately realized that this fucker needed to be cooked for a long ass time. The first step I had in mind, however, was to par-boil it to loosen the membrane for removal. This proved to be quite difficult.

I plunged the tongue into boiling water, with sea salt and a little white vinegar, for about a minute and then dropped it in a cold water bath in a vain effort to get the membrane to separate from the meat. It didn't work. I boiled it again for five minutes and then submerged it in an ice water bath. It didn't work. Then I said "fuck it" and moved onwards.

Most people, since they are morons, simmer the tongue in water for three hours and then slice it up. This seems like the worst possible way to cook tongue, or anything else for that matter, so I decided to do my own thing, as usual. First I mixed 1tbl chili powder, 1tbl paprika, 2tsp cumin, 2tsp oregano, 1tsp coriander, and 1tsp cayenne in a small bowl. Then, I cut a white onion into eighths and layered it with a few cloves of minced garlic on the bottom of a heavy casserole dish. I poured in the rest of my IPA, about ten ounces, a cup of water, smothered the tongue in my spice mixture, and placed that bitch on top.

I covered it and threw it in a 225 degree oven for three hours. Then I raised the temperature to 250 degrees and let it cook for another three hours. After that, I removed the heavy cover and replaced it with a loose tin foil cover and let it cook for another hour and forty-five minutes. Yes, that's right. I cooked this motherfucker for seven hours and forty-five minutes but it was the best goddamn tongue I have ever had in my life and I have had a lot of tongue, in lots of different places. Oh yeah, I also flipped it every hour, just like your mother.

Here is the fruit of my labor. The membrane would still not peel off so I thinly sliced it widthwise and then sliced the membrane off each piece. It was a bitch to do but it was worth it. Then I fried up some corn tortillas in vegetable oil and topped the tongue with diced jalapeno, onion, and cilantro. So fucking good. The only better tacos in this world are cabeza tacos but I have not found a whole cow head to cook down, yet. Eat it.

Surf & Turf Unbreached Udon Noodres

2011-06-05T09:57:00.001-07:00

I picked up this package of udon noodles and the whole fucking thing was written in that incomprehensible chickenscratch they call a language except this small sticker on the back. Take note of the first ingredient: Unbreached flour. Thank God. I fucking hate it when my flour is breached. I have never ventured down this particular noodre road before so this should be interesting to say the least.

I decided to cook the noodres and then top them with a stir fry. Since the manufacturer's instructions were illegible, I just eyeballed it. They only took about five minutes to cook, to my surprise, and they flowed with the boiling water in an improvisational yet seemingly choreographed psychedelic dance. Kind of like that screen saver you have from 1997. Drain, rinse, and set aside.

The stir fry is the garbage disposal of Asian cuisine. Just take whatever is in your fridge, throw it in a pot, and stir that shit around for a few minutes. I had beef, shrimp, snap peas, red pepper, mushrooms, garlic, and onion. I don't even think they have red pepper in Japan but whatever. They would probably go nuts over it like they do with orange juice. I also tossed in some Asian crap I had laying around: rice vinegar (that has to be Asian since it has rice in it), mirin (sweetened sake), and Oyster Stout (that's kind of like oyster sauce, right?).

Not too bad for my first shot at it. I know some idiot is going to come around here and profess their religion of woks. Fuck woks. They are for self-loathing Americans who take yoga, improperly meditate, practice the scam of feng shui, and claim to be buddhist. I'm sorry mommy didn't hug you enough and now you have to pretend to be something you're not. Since eastern shit is so fucking awesome why don't you move to North Korea, dickheads! If you are going down that eastern road at least be a fake Daoist. It's less stupid but still pretty dumb nonetheless. Wait, how did this become about India, China, and North Korea? Anyway, the Japanese are badass. Any place that has used panty and beer vending machines is okay by me. That's a solid Tuesday night right there. Eat it.

607th Post Spectacular - Blast from the Past

2011-06-04T15:52:00.000-07:00

Since I am super lazy and I don't feel like making shit, enjoy this clip show of super old posts I don't even remember writing. These are all from back in 2009 when my writing sucked and my recipes were lame as hell. Not too much has changed over the years...

Bacon

Terrorist Balls

Mojito

Dungeness Crab Bitches!

Absinthe - Dutch Style

Absinthe - French Style

Grilled Bacon Wrapped Pork Chops with a Raspberry Chipotle Glaze

Mini Blueberry Pies

Deviled Eggs or How I Learned to Hard Boil an Egg

Raspberry Pancakes

BBQ Chicken, Bacon, Red Onion, and Cheddar Pizza

171st Cooking for Assholes Post!

Funny Google Searches

Shit on a Shingle OR Chipped Beef OR Doo-Doo River

2011-05-18T18:19:00.001-07:00

3.5lb Chuck Cross Rib Roast

1/2 Stick Butter

1/8c Flour

1tbl Old Bay

1c Milk

Bread

Mayo

I unwisely asked the stupid Facebook idiots what I should make next and some dumbass named Bree suggested "shit on a shingle." My initial reaction was "yeah, right" but then I realized I had just about everything on hand to make said recipe. This dish is apparently a US military staple so I dedicate this recipe to every single service man and woman from this fine country and to a lesser extent our loser allies. Seriously though, I give you all a heartfelt thank you. You are braver than I.

Sear the steak over high heat until intensely browned on both sides. It will still be raw but don't worry about it. Remove from the pan, let cool, and slice as thinly as possible. Lower the heat significantly, toss in the butter, and deglaze. Once the butter is completely melted, dump in the flour and Old Bay. Stir all that shit around for a minute or two and then add the sliced beef. Cook until thickened. Slather both sides of the bread slices with mayo. Pan fry until browned.

Place the browned mayo bread down and top with the beef and sauce. Now it's time to kill some brown people in the name of freedom. Eat it.

Pan Fried Soft-Shelled Blue Crabs with a Gherkin and Ramp Aioli

2011-05-15T18:56:00.000-07:00

Face Fucked Soft-Shelled Blue Crabs

Dry White Wine

Fresh Lemon Juice, a small squeeze

Ramps, minced

Egg Yolk

Dijon

Fresh Lemon Juice, a small spritz

Gherkin Juice

Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Gherkins, minced

Ramps, minced

Flour

Fancy Lettuce

Anyone can fry some soft-shelled crab, throw it on a hoagie, top it with remoulade, and call it a day but I shoot for the motherfucking stars. I did a flash white wine marinade, fried them, and topped with a true aioli flavored with gherkins and ramps. People who add shit to mayo and call it an aioli should have their foreheads seared with a branding iron that reads "Fucking Fraud." Furthermore, those Frenchie poofters call gherkins "cornichons" but that's because they have their heads so far up their asses they can see daylight. This is the US of fucking A and we speak American here. It's a goddamn gherkin.

Mix up all the ingredients in the white wine marinade, pour it over the crabs, and let them soak for 16 minutes. In the fridge, stupid.

In the meantime, get out your mortar and pestle and smash up the egg yolk, a small amount of dijon, a spritz of lemon juice, and some gherkin juice. Pour in the extra virgin olive oil at the speed of evolution while pounding it out to emulsify. If your sauce is broken, and it will be, you poured the olive oil in too quickly. To remedy, add another egg yolk and break out the cheater whisk. Taste as you go and when the flavors are right, add the gherkins and ramps, cover it, and toss in the fridge.

Pull out your crabs and dredge in flour. Shake off the excess flour and pan fry in hot ass vegetable oil for 4 minutes and 13 seconds per side. If you boil or steam soft-shelled crab you will have a disgusting mushy mess on your hands and everyone will laugh at you, again. Transfer to a paper towel lined plate to cool.

Plate on a bed of fancy lettuce and top with your aioli. Yes, you can consume the whole fucking thing. That's the point, genius. Eat it.

How to Face Fuck a Soft-Shelled Blue Crab

2011-05-15T17:14:00.000-07:00

I heard via the twitters that there would be soft-shelled blue crab at the farmer's market today. I shook off my hangover, grabbed an iced coffee, had a smoke, and ran over there to lay claim. I retrieved four feisty specimens and returned home to figure out what the fuck to do with them. Much to my surprise, and delight, I discovered they should be trimmed and carved while still alive. Hell yeah.

To make things more interesting I pounded a shitload of bourbon before doing this in order to bring out my primal blood lust instincts. If you don't have the stomach to do shit like this, give up eating meat and become one of those sissy ass vegans. If you are not capable of killing it, you shouldn't have the pleasure of eating it. Start by taking a small pairing knife and face fucking the live crab. If you flip through these pictures quickly you can see the crab's legs flail as it writhes in agony. Conversely, if you look at them backwards you can watch me reattach the crab's face with only a knife. David Blaine, bitches.

Next, flip back the soft shell on each side and scrape out the gills/lungs/whatever with the backside of the knife as they are inedible. Do not be surprised if the crab is still moving in a vain attempt at survival.

Pull back the tail thing and cut it off at the base of the top shell.

Pick up the limp, involuntarily twitching crab carcass and squeeze all the gross shit out the gaping hole where its ugly face used to be.

Done. Now you are ready to cook this fucker and consume its entire body. Don't eat it, yet.

Shrimp and Grits

2011-05-12T07:46:00.000-07:00

Shrimp
Water
Old Bay

Lardo/Fatback
Fresh Lemon Juice
Garlic, minced
Flour

Grits
Butter
Cheddar Cheese, grated

Poached Egg

For years shrimp and grits was exactly that: shrimp and grits. Recently a bunch of self-righteous asshats started gussying it up with all sorts of bullshit so they can feel better about themselves. For this recipe I have provided you the backbone of shrimp and grits. What you choose to do with it is your own fucking business but remember that there is beauty in simplicity.

Shell and devein the shrimp. Toss the shrimp with Old Bay and put them back in the fridge. Reserve all the shells and tails in a pot and pour in water until the shells are covered. Throw in some Old Bay for good measure. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and simmer for about 45 minutes. Strain the juice through a sieve and set aside. When you pour the stock into the sieve, make sure there is a bowl underneath it to catch the liquid. I can just visualize you pouring it right down the drain.

Dice up the lardo and pan fry until lightly browned. You can use some other type of fatty pork product but I just had a bunch of this shit on hand. Pour in a very small amount of lemon juice and a few cloves of minced garlic. Stir it around for a minute and then add your shrimp. When the shrimp are a second away from being fully cooked, dump in a spoonful or two of flour. Stir it around for a minute or so and then add the reserved shrimp stock. Let it reduce for a few minutes and remove from heat.

If you didn't have a tiny bird brain in that oversized melonhead of yours, you would have already started making your grits. When they are done, stir in a shitload of butter and cheese.

To fancy mine up I added a poached egg. Everything is better with a poached egg. Even an over-easy or sunny side up egg on top of the shrimp pile would have been pretty badass. As for you, just don't get too crazy with the edible flowers. Eat it.

The Hot Carl...Winslow

2011-05-05T16:21:00.000-07:00

1/2 Baguette, sliced lengthwise

1 Thin Cheap Steak

Mozzarella, thinly sliced

Red Onion

Tomato

Spinach

Mayo

As many of you already know, my goal in life is neither fame nor fortune. My single aspiration, my calling, is to surpass the iconic Steve Urkle Facebook fan page in "likes." I know this is a lofty dream, but I believe it can be achieved through diligent hard work and a little luck. In celebration of being 1/16th of the way there, I made "The Hot Carl...Winslow."

Sear the steak, flip it over, cover it with cheese, put a lid on the pan, turn off the heat, and let it sit for a minute so the cheese melts. Slather up the baguette with mayo, plop down the steak, and add your toppings. It's time for you to "go home, Steve" because I'm after you, motherfucker. Eat it.

Cinco de Stupido Scramble

2011-05-05T12:25:00.000-07:00

Bacon, lots

8 Eggs

Chili Powder

Ground Red Pepper

Black Beans

Fresh Spinach

Optional Toppings:

Tomato

Red Onion

Salsa

Sour Cream

Cheese

Avocado

Any Other Mexican Crap

I fucking hate all these goddamn ethnic holidays that are just pitiful excuses for dumbasses to get blackout drunk on shitty booze and puke all over the sidewalk. The only excuse I need to get fucked up is the harsh pain of existence. I refuse to wear some stupid sombrero and drink sissy ass blended margaritas. Give me straight bourbon with a existential nightmare back. That's the American way.

Fry up your bacon, remove from the pan, and lower the heat. In a large bowl, whisk the eggs with the spices and a little salt and pepper. Pour the eggs into the pan with the black beans and crumble up the bacon on top. Grab a couple handfuls of fresh spinach and throw it in the pan. Scramble all that shit together until the eggs are fully cooked and not a second longer. Top with whatever Mexican garnish you please. "Can I top it with cheese filled hot dogs and ketchup?" You never fail to surprise me. Sure, why the fuck not? Eat it.

Maryland Blue Crab Spread

2011-05-04T06:18:00.001-07:00

Maryland Blue Crab, cleaned and picked over

Cream Cheese, softened (If you use fat free cream cheese, you are letting the terrorists win)

A Tiny Bit of Butter, melted

A Very Tiny Spritz of Fresh Lemon Juice

Fake Ass Old Bay

Fresh Chives, chopped

This weekend I took a trip to the Dupont Farmer's Market again. As usual I had no idea what I was going to purchase and no particular dish in mind. After completing my reconnaissance work, I honed in on a seafood vendor pitifully attempting to push a bag of ten Maryland blue crabs for $2 since the market was about to close. I swooped in like a bird of prey and snatched my prize in my razor sharp talons. The vendor then poured a spice mixture into a ziploc bag for me and the chick I happened to be with that morning said "perfect, he loves Old Bay." The vendor replied that it was not Old Bay but a seafood spice mixture from Boston and it was "much better." I scoffed, snorted, and erupted in cackling laughter. "Surely you jest, old lady. Nothing is better than Old Bay." After an intense back and forth I agreed to at least try it.

I had a fresh baguette so I thinly sliced it and made a crab spread. Mix the first four ingredients. Put it on the bread. Sprinkle with impostor Old Bay and top with chives. Done. How fucking hard was that? Not very. I do have to admit that the spice mixture was pretty damn good, but it was no Old Bay. Nice try old lady. Eat it.

Bizdiggy Burgers

2011-04-21T11:19:00.000-07:00

Bacon
1lb Polyface Farms Ground Beef
Stilton, crumbled
Buns
Goat Butter
Mayo
Spinach

Polyface is located in crappy Virginia but they are hailed as one of the premier sustainable farms in the nation. Each cow family has their own home on three acres. They ride around the property on golf carts, put on theatrical performances in the village square, and discuss the nature of existence at the cafe while drinking fine spirits. Basically these cows have it made, until judgement day.

I scored this amazing thespian/philosopher ground beef the other day so I called up one of my idiot friends to come enjoy it with me. Usually I bogart such high quality items but I needed buns and bacon and I didn't feel like going to the store. So this dumb motherfucker shows up with these ghetto ass piece of shit buns and quite possibly the lowest grade bacon I have ever used. What a moron. If it was not for his impressive incompetence, these would have been the best burgers ever.

Make your bacon and set aside. Salt and pepper the beef and form into three patties. I wanted to grill these bad boys but I didn't have access to a grill so I pan fried them. Place the patties in the bacon grease pan and cover. Cook for a while. Flip. Top with cheese. Cover. Cook. Remove from pan. Butter up some buns and broil them for a minute. Slather with mayo. Put everything together. Eat it.

Deep Fried Cadbury Creme Eggs

2011-04-18T14:23:00.000-07:00

6 Cadbury Creme Eggs, frozen

Chocolate Stout Batter:

1 Egg

1/2c Stout, chocolate or espresso/coffee

1.5tsp Peanut Oil, plus an assload more for frying

1c Flour

3/4tsp Baking Powder

Salt, a pinch

I heard that some stupid restaurant in DC has these fuckers on their dessert menu for the Easter season and I could not resist the temptation to make them myself. I have made deep fried Snickers bars in the past but deep fried Cadbury Creme Eggs? Fuck. Yeah.

Make your batter. Mix the wet ingredients. Mix the dry ingredients. Mix the wet into the dry. Done. Roll your frozen creme eggs in the batter and drop them into a pot of oil over medium heat. Make sure your oil is as hot as it is going to get before you start frying. Test it by dropping in a little blob of batter and seeing how the oil responds. Don't forget to have a friend standing nearby with a fire extinguisher in hand. Oh sorry, I forgot. You don't have any friends. Fry the battered creme eggs until they are golden brown and transfer them to a paper towel lined plate to cool. Do not use plastic utensils because they will melt in the hot oil and poison you. On second thought, only use plastic utensils.

These are even better than you think they are. "I think these sound like the best dessert ever!" Yeah, they're better than that. Jesus would be proud. Eat it.

The Death of Bacon?

2011-04-06T08:28:00.000-07:00

Years ago bacon moved into the realm of popular culture and has since been celebrated by people who otherwise wouldn't give a shit about food. There are bacon band-aids, bacon toothpastes, bacon candles, bacon soaps, and even bacon wallets. Bacon fucking wallets, people. Has bacon jumped the proverbial shark and become a meme, a gimmick, a sideshow or will this fad continue forever like the housing market? Are these bacon kitsch manufacturers akin to property investors who flip houses and artificially inflate the market or does fault lie at the level of the consumer? Are even people like myself to blame for this mass hysteria which is bound to crash and burn at some point in the future or is bacon as food here forever?

All these questions arose in my mind when I saw the eerie harbinger pictured above. Were my eyes deceiving me or did I just jump out of a Delorean to witness the future? It created more questions than answers and tore a rip in the fabric of my fragile universe. "Nice photography skills." Yeah, I'm going to stand there forever to get the perfect picture at a fucking funeral for some dude with the last name of bacon just to please you, asshole. Go fuck yourself. I'm not trying to get chased down the street by an angry mob of mourners, stupid. Anyway, what conclusion did I come to about the future of bacon? Who gives a shit? Now I just want some goddamn bacon. Eat it.

Steak 'n Sprouts

2011-03-24T18:26:00.000-07:00

Brussels Sprouts, a bunch
Vegetable Oil
Salt and Pepper

1 Big Ass Motherfucking Steak
4tbl Butter
2 Shallots, minced
2 Garlic Cloves, minced
2c Mushrooms, sliced
1/2c Red Wine, plus more for chugging
Pinch of Flour
Black Pepper, cracked
Flat Leaf Parsley, chopped

Yesterday I decided I wanted some fucking steak for dinner so I trucked on over to Whole Foods and picked out a beautiful honking piece of meat. When it rang up on the scale as $16 I looked at the butcher and loudly asked if for that price it was going to suck my dick while I ate it. She did not appear to be amused. True story. Anyway, there were some brussels sprouts in the fridge from the farmer's market so I made steak and sprouts.

Pick over and clean your sprouts. Toss them with some vegetable oil and salt and pepper. These fine specimens were smaller than average so I roasted them at 350 degrees for about 40 minutes. If you have nothing better to do, and you don't, check out this old ass post I did for roasted brussels sprouts.

While your sprouts are in the oven, heat up a little oil over medium-high heat and sear the shit out of your steak until you get the desired color on each side. Remove it from the pan, place it in a very lightly oiled pyrex and throw it in the oven for about ten minutes or so depending on its size. Lower the stovetop's heat significantly, throw the butter in the pan, and scrape up all the delicious little remnants of your steak. When the butter has fully melted, toss in your garlic and shallot, and let them saute until they get all fragrant and shit. Dump in your mushrooms, let them lightly soften, and pour in the wine. Let it all bubble down until thickened and a little pinch of flour never hurt anyone. Add your pepper, top the steak, and garnish with parsley which I obviously forgot to do. Eat it.

Ameri-Quiche

2011-03-21T08:07:00.001-07:00

If you have been reading this inane drivel for any amount of time you know that I go apeshit over quiche as they are the perfect receptacles for leftovers. The other day a large spinach bake was presented to me and my limbs started trembling at the prospect of utilizing it in a sea of cheezy eggy goodness embedded in a tender flaky crust.

First I made my dough, rolled it out, and slid it into the pan. Then I layered the bottom with grated gruyere, plopped down some sauteed mushrooms and sausage, and topped it with the spinach. I whisked up some eggs with a shitdickload of sour cream, a little water, and salt and pepper. As previously discussed, I live in the best country in the world, i.e. America, and not a total shithole, i.e. France, so my quiches are not some pansy ass custard. Fuck that shit. I poured the America egg mixture in the pie and baked it at 375 degrees until the center of the pie was fully inflated. Keep an eye on it because if the top starts to brown you will want to lightly cover it with tin foil. Serve with a side of smug pretension because you deserve it, unless you live in France. Eat it.

Farmer's Market Pasta

2011-03-07T07:55:00.000-08:00

This weekend I checked out the Farmer's Market in Dupont Circle, DC and I figured I would let you in on my amazing food shopping technique and style. Simpletons, such as yourself, make impulse purchases based on the pushiest dickhead farmer with the most obnoxious voice and attitude. Subsequently, they end up buying a giant fish head, an expired jar of ricotta, and some crappy flowers. Enjoy your dinner, dumbasses. I, on the other hand, make my way through the entire market before I purchase anything. If I see something I think may not be there on my way back, I ask them to hold it for me. If I end up not wanting it in the end, fuck it that's their problem now. Once I explore the whole market, it's time to envision a meal and purchase the requisite ingredients.

I found ground boar and made meatballs with Spanish black radish, garlic, and crushed fancy pants crackers. Then I diced up some piacenti porchetta, pan fried it with buna-shimeji mushrooms, poured it over spaghetti, and topped it with the meatballs. They only had that fake ass hippie whole wheat pasta so this spaghetti is from the gourmet market CVS. You can go ahead and spend the rest of your sad pathetic life attending every Farmer's Market you can in a vain attempt to find these particular ingredients or you can pull your ugly misshapen head out of your fat ass and think for yourself. Eat it.

Coda alla Vaccinara OR Flyswatter Soup

2011-02-22T08:25:00.000-08:00

2lb Oxtail
6 Slices of Bacon (or salt pork), sliced
1 Yellow Onion, chopped
2 Celery stalks, sliced
2 Cloves of Garlic, minced
4 Carrots, peeled and coarsely chopped
1c Red Wine
14.5oz Can of Diced Tomatoes
22oz Beef Broth
8oz Water
Bay Leaf
Rigatoni

Here in the best country in the world we are incredibly wasteful and regularly fail to utilize every edible part of our livestock. Why? Because we can, motherfuckers. Suck it loser countries! Although I typically embrace such reckless abandon, I like to branch out and explore all the tasty flavors these succulent creatures have to offer rather than slaughtering a cow, cutting out one steak, and discarding the rest.

Brown the oxtail and bacon in a large pot. Add the vegetables until softened. Pour in the wine and cook it down until the liquid no longer tastes like booze. Pour in the tomatoes and broth, throw in the bay leaf, cover, and lightly simmer for a long ass time. Slow and low is the name of the game folks. For me the meat fell off the bone around the three hour mark. You can use fresh tomatoes but it is winter right now and winter tomatoes fucking suck shit. Serve over pasta and if you want to get all fancy pants you can sprinkle some flat leaf parsley on that bitch.

One point of contention I discovered was the use of red or white wine. Lots of people traditionally use white wine but just as many use red wine. I decided to use red wine since I never associate white wine with beef but apparently white is acceptable as well. Whatever. Do what you want, I don't really give a flying fuck. Eat it.

Love Birds OR Quail With a Bunch of Crap Shoved Up Its Ass and Braised in Red Wine

2011-02-14T07:38:00.000-08:00

Photo and Suggestive Plating by Veronica Relph
http://nibblingisencouraged.blogspot.com/

4 Mushrooms, diced
1 Apple Sausage, diced
1 Shallot, diced
1-2 Cloves of Garlic, diced
4 Slices Pancetta, diced
Stale Bread, torn into small pieces
4 Quail
1c Red Wine
16oz Chicken Stock
Flour, for thickening

Happy Valentine’s Day, Bitches! Today is the day that many of you will be confronted with a harsh reality check. You single ladies will realize that you are destined to die alone only to be found weeks later in your studio apartment crushed by your collection of antique dolls and 15 cats. You single guys will grapple with the fact that you may never feel the soft touch of a true woman because you are too busy sticking your dick in inanimate objects while staring at a life-sized cut-out of Princess Leia. Finally, those of you in a long-term committed relationship will continue to hate your miserable existence and live in denial while robbing yourself of any true fulfillment. Luckily, I don’t fall into any of these categories so fuck all y’all and your depressing ass lives. Sucks to be you.

Sauté the mushroom, sausage, shallot, and garlic in a small-medium Le Creuset until the sausage is cooked through. Remove from heat, add the pancetta and breadcrumbs, and let cool. Get out the quail and shove your index and middle finger up their asses and wiggle them around a bit to loosen those girls up. Reserve the blood. Cram your stuffing in there filling them to the brim. Brown on all sides in the same Le Creuset with a little butter and remove from pan. Deglaze with the red wine and bring to a simmer. Add the chicken stock and return to a simmer. Mix the reserved blood and a few tablespoons of the cooking juices with some flour to form a paste. Whisk into the Le Creuset until combined. Toss the little birdies back in, cover, and simmer over low heat until fully cooked.

Serve with roasted garlic mashed potatoes. I'm not going to tell you how I did it because if you can't figure it out for yourself you have much bigger problems on your hands than no fucking roasted garlic mashed potatoes. Be sure to place the lady birds in various erotic positions. This is sure to tickle your unyielding partner's fancy. Eat it.

The One-Upmanship Cooknie

2011-02-03T12:17:00.000-08:00

4oz Dark Chocolate
1tbl Butter
Double Stuff Oreos
Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
Peanut Butter Bacon Cookie Dough
Brownie Batter
Ice Cream

Recently I have noticed a lot of people have been baking whole Oreo cookies into chocolate chip cookies and loudly proclaiming their stupidity. You think you’re stupid? Well guess what? I’m even more stupider. Even the true form of stupid can’t compete with my stupidness. So what did I do? I dipped Double Stuff Oreos in dark chocolate, covered them with chocolate chip cookie dough, covered again with peanut butter bacon cookie dough, took those cookies, baked them into a brownie, and served with ice cream. Boom.

Melt the chocolate and butter over very low heat. Dip the Oreos in the chocolate and set on parchment paper. When cooled, transfer to the freezer while you make the dough. Cover the chocolate Oreo in chocolate chip cookie dough. Cover that in the peanut butter bacon cookie dough. Bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes. When the cookie cools, trim it into a square. Line a bread loaf Pyrex with aluminum foil and brush it with butter. Pour in half the brownie batter. Place down three square cookies. Cover with remaining batter. Bake it at 350 degrees for 54 minutes. Slice up the cooknie and plop down some ice cream.

What the fuck is up now, bitches? I just one-up’d your ass so bad you will not be able to walk right for the next week. What are you going to do? Nothing, that’s what. Eat it.

Sweet and Spicy Ham Steak

2011-02-02T09:57:00.001-08:00

Ham Steak
White Sugar
Pineapple
Jalapeno
White Onion
Lime Juice
Sea Salt
Vegetable Oil, tiny splash
Cilantro (optional)

This creation was born on a lazy Sunday morning. Okay, afternoon. Okay, evening. Whatever. I found a ham steak and I immediately thought pineapple. Pineapple made me think of jalapeno (or sometimes habanero), which made me think of white onion, which made me think of lime, which made me think of cilantro. Just a little glimpse into the thought process of a super genius. I hope you learned something.

Soak your ham steak in some pineapple juice. Sprinkle both sides of the steak with sugar and pan fry. It is already cooked so don't fry the shit out of it like a dumbass. Mix the remaining ingredients in a small bowl and place atop the ham.

"How much of all that stuff should I use?" I don't fucking know. Just do it. Are you that sad and pathetic that you can't divorce yourself from a recipe and think? Just ask yourself "how much of X, would taste good with Y?" You're obviously not going to use one piece of pineapple, 6 limes, and 15 jalapenos. Use your fucking brain for once. Eat it.

Hipster Pancakes

2011-01-29T11:17:00.001-08:00

It has come to my attention that the invasive species commonly known as hipsters has once again swarmed something we love and ruined it for everyone. The new hipster fad is to find stencils of their favorite obscure person/place/thing that you have never heard of and make "art" out of powdered sugar and pancakes. Apparently there is nothing sacred left in this world. It is bad enough all the cool neighborhoods have been destroyed by those vultures but now they have to fuck with our breakfast? All I know is they better not touch my bacon or we are going to have a serious fucking problem on our hands.

Since hipsters are purely superficial and have no real content, these pancakes must be made with Bisquick. Follow manufacturer's instructions. Place down the least recognizable stencil you can find, sprinkle on the powdered sugar, and remove stencil. Don't eat the pancakes. Just stare at them and bask in your own self-glory. Eat it.

Yellowtail Snapper

2011-01-28T21:25:00.000-08:00

I found a local fish market today and the call of the Sirens was too strong to resist. The forceful hand of fate pushed me through the door and I ended up finding this beautiful specimen:

It was labeled as red snapper and priced relatively low. Most of what is sold as red snapper is not actually red snapper but some crappier cheaper snapper which store owners use to rip you the fuck off. I know you are a sucker mark so I figured I would explain that to you. This is one of the many reasons I prefer to purchase my fish whole. I immediately recognized that this fish is not a red snapper, obviously, but rather it is a yellowtail snapper which is far superior. Score.

Always inspect your fish. When purchasing whole fresh fish there are many different areas to check out but the eye is a good place to start. If the eye looks all jacked up, it's probably old or mishandled. If the eye is staring into your soul and despondently questioning why it's vibrant life was cut short, it's fresh and ready to eat.

I cooked this guy whole but my pictures turned out like shit, which is surprising because I'm basically the best food photographer in the history of the known universe. I decided to pass on the mango salsas and elaborate stuffings for something simpler so I could experience the true flavor of my prized catch.

1.5lb Whole Yellowtail Snapper, scaled/gutted/gilled

1/2 Jalapeno, minced

1/2 Small White Onion, minced

1 Large Clove of Garlic, minced

1/2tsp Cumin
Sea Salt

1 Lime, juiced

Vegetable Oil, a small splash
Cilantro, for garnish

Mix everything but the cilantro in a small bowl. Shove it inside your fish. Place a large piece of aluminum foil on a baking sheet, brush the whole thing with more oil, and sprinkle more sea salt all over. Place your fish down, wrap it up, and toss it in a 350 degree oven for 40 minutes. Let it sit in the foil for another 7 minutes after you pull it from the oven. Garnish with cilantro. Eat it.

Crème Brûlée aux Myrtilles OR French Blueberry Pudding

2011-01-28T15:40:00.000-08:00

1/2c Heavy Cream

1/2c Whole Milk

2 Egg Yolks

2.5tbl Sugar

1/2 Vanilla Bean, grated

Blueberries

Brown Sugar

Even if you lack the proper crème brûlée equipment you can still half-ass this dish and it will taste like The Storming of the Bastille all up in your mouth. That's a good thing, I think. Anyway, the skill level required to make this is between Microwave Proficient and Novice so you might actually have a chance.

Combine the cream and milk in a small pot and bring to a boil over medium heat. Gently mix the egg yolks and sugar in a medium bowl. Pour the creamy milk into the sugary eggs, add the vanilla bean, and stir. If you don't have vanilla beans you can cheat and use 1/4-1/2tsp pure vanilla extract. Whatever. Fill the bottoms of two 7oz ramekins with blueberries and pour the creamy shit all over them. Bake at 225 degrees for an hour. Let them cool to room temperature. Sprinkle a layer of brown sugar on the top, break out your crack torch and start caramelizing. Since I quit smoking crack years ago, I used my broiler with mild success.

Some people use a bain-marie. You all know how I feel about double boiling and waterbaths. Go ahead and waste your time in a vain effort to feel all fancy and shit but you are fooling no one. I bet people who use a bain-marie also scald milk. Fucking dumbasses. Eat it.

Cuisses de Grenouilles le Trou du Cul

2011-01-27T18:26:00.000-08:00

1lb Frog Legs, about six pairs
Whole Milk
1tbl Butter
1/2c Dry White Wine
2 Cloves of Garlic, minced
1 Shallot, minced
5 White Mushrooms, sliced
1/2c Heavy Cream
Salt and Pepper
Handful of Flat Leaf Parsley, full leaves pulled off stems
Juice from 1/4 Lemon

Listen up bitches. I made French Fried Chicken yesterday but I picked up some more frog legs today and decided to get all fancy up in this shit. While I recognize that this picture looks less than appetizing, the sauce I created will blow all your puny dinosaur minds out of this world and it will work for any white meat. If I had to suggest you make one thing I have developed out of the 550+ recipes posted here, this would be it. Don't miss out on this shit like a fucking dumbass, dumbass. Now pay attention.

Submerge the frog legs in the milk for at least two hours. Remove and pat dry. Brown them in the butter over medium heat until almost completely cooked. Remove from pan and place on paper towels. Toss the wine, garlic, shallot, and mushrooms in the pan and simmer until the wine has almost fully evaporated but you still want the contents of the pan to be pretty fucking moist with a little extra liquid. Turn down the heat a smidgen and add the cream and salt and pepper. Stir that shit around until it thickens. Add the frog legs, parsley, and lemon. Stir it around for a few minutes and then remove everything from the pan.

I have never been this adamant about one of my recipes but every last one of you fuckers needs to make this. I am not fucking around. Eat it.

Cuisses de Grenouilles OR French Fried Chicken

2011-01-26T17:40:00.000-08:00

Frog Legs
Milk
1/2c Flour
2tsp Herbes de Provence
Vegetable Oil, for frying

Anyone who says frog legs taste like chicken is a fucking idiot. They taste absolutely nothing like chicken. Their consistencies are somewhat similar but frog's flavor is much closer to fish. So I guess I can understand how the common pleb's feeble brain could get confused. Don't feel too bad. You can't help it.

Soak the frog legs in milk for at least two hours. Mix the flour and the herbes de provence in a shallow bowl. Pat the frog legs dry and dredge them. Set them on a plate for a few minutes and dredge them again. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. This is how you get a nice solid coat. Put a shitload of vegetable oil in a frying pan over medium heat. Once it heats up toss in your legs until browned, about five minutes per side. I didn't do it here but the Frenchies flash saute some garlic and parsley in butter, spoon it over the fried legs, and serve with a lemon wheel.

It is unfortunate so many people in America turn their nose up at eating frog legs. They are delicious, nutritious, and seditious. Well, the latter doesn't make any sense but that was the only other word I could think of that rhymed. Eat it.

Red Hot Dark Chocolate Soufflé OR French Brownies

2011-01-26T10:35:00.000-08:00

3tbl Butter
3.5oz Red Chili Dark Chocolate (47%), diced
2tbl Sugar
2tbl Whole Milk
3 Eggs, separated
Cayenne, for dusting

As you well know I don't like to toot my own horn since everyone else does it for me but this is hands down the best dessert I have ever made. It eclipses Elvis' Dick, Bacon Peanut Butter Cookies, and even America Toast. Yes, even America Toast. The only negative aspect of this dish is that now I will be disappointed by everything else for the rest of my life. Oh well.

Melt the butter over very low heat and then melt the chocolate into the butter. You are not trying to cook either ingredient. If you have a very low brain capacity you can use a double boiler so you don't fuck it up. Once melted, immediately remove from heat and pour into a large bowl. Mix the sugar and milk into the melty deliciousness. If you have a higher percentage dark chocolate you might want to use more sugar and/or milk but that is up to you. Mix in the yolks one by one. It is imperative that you fully integrate each one before adding the next. Beat the whites severely until stiff peaks form. If you do not beat them to stiff peaks your French Brownies will suck ass. Gradually mix in the whites. Brush two 7oz ramekins with butter (the inside, stupid) and pour in your batter. Give them a little horizontal shake so they settle nicely. Place in a 375 degree oven for 28 minutes. Do not open the oven door until you pull them out.

These do not deflate as quickly as a savory soufflé so you have a minute or two to dust them with cayenne and get them to the table while they are still pretty. If you ever want to impress the shit out of someone, make these. Eat it.

Brie and Rosemary Soufflé OR Frenchie Poofters

2011-01-25T15:25:00.000-08:00

2tbl Butter

2tbl Flour

1/4c Milk

1/3lb Brie, rind removed and torn into small pieces

Salt

3 Eggs, separated

Fresh Rosemary

People tend to be intimidated by any dish that sounds remotely French but once you develop the proper techniques French cuisine is as easy as your mom. It also helps to give the dishes alternate names, e.g. Frenchie Poofters, Frenchie Stink Bombs, etc.

Melt the butter over medium to medium low heat. Add the flour and continuously stir for a minute or two until the flour smell has been replaced by a nutty smell. While stirring the roux, drizzle in the milk until fully incorporated, remove from heat, salt it, and stir in the brie until melted. Add the egg yolks one at a time. Do not add the next yolk until the previous one has completely merged with the mixture. This is fucking essential so don't think you can just stir them all in at once like goddamn jackass. Set the mixture aside and beat the living shit out of the egg whites until stiff peaks form. You can use an electric mixer like a total sissy but real men make their soufflé by hand. Gradually fold the egg whites into the mixture until they have become one. Pour into two buttered 7oz ramekins, top them with a little fresh rosemary, place them on a baking sheet, and put those motherfuckers in a 375 degree oven for 27-28 minutes. Do not open the oven door to check on them like a dumbass. Use the light and window.

The soufflé will deflate about 4 nanoseconds after you take it out of the oven so serve immediately. Soufflé waits for no one. Eat it.

Two Way Varenyky with Caramelized Onion

2011-01-24T13:01:00.000-08:00

I get so much fan mail from this stupid site that there are not enough hours in the day to read through it all but when this one chick sent me an email with "varenyky" in the subject line I just had to open it. A "varenyky" is a little stuffed dough pocket that has been a staple of Ukrainian cuisine for as long as anyone can remember. Well, except for that one time Stalin took all the food away and everyone died but that is beside the point. There is even a damn monument to varenyky in Ukraine. What I want to know is where the fuck is our hot dog monument, President Obama? What the hell is our government even doing if we can't get a monument to hot dogs? Stop wasting my tax dollars, Washington! The dough is this chick's grandma's recipe and she gave me ideas for the filling.

Onion, Potato, and Cheddar Filling:

Onion, diced
Potato, diced
Cheddar, diced

Dice the onion and potato. Saute until softened. Stir in a shitdickload of cheddar. Set aside to cool.
Pork and Cabbage Filling:

Pork
1/2 Head of Cabbage, sliced
1c Whole Milk
1tsp Paprika

I did a spice rub on my pork, slow cooked it, and then diced it but you can do whatever. In a large pot combine the cabbage, milk, and paprika. Simmer it, covered, until it gets all mushy and then continue to simmer uncovered so all the liquid can evaporate which should only take fucking forever. Once most all the liquid is gone you can pull it off the stove and mix it with the pork.

Varenyky Dough:

5 cups flour
2 cups luke warm water
2 eggs
2 tbs vegetable oil

"Make a well in the 5 cups of flour, swish the eggs and oil into the luke warm water. Begin pouring the mixture a little at a time into the well and take a butter knife and start incorporating the flour from the sides into the liquid mixture. Pour more liquid, incorporate flour etc."

[Be sure to break the yolk. I found I did not need to use all the wet ingredients to get the consistency I wanted and I had to add them very, very slowly. I will also add 1tsp salt next time]

"Once it’s a sticky mess, put oil on your hands and kneed the dough adding a little flour at a time just so it stops sticking to your hands. Don’t over-kneed, or the dough will be tough."

"Split the dough in half and let it stand for 15 minutes. Kneed half the dough again and use some flour to being rolling out a THIN sheet of dough. The key here is to make the dough rather thin, but not too thin so that when you’re folding the varenyky and sticking them together, they don’t rip. If they’re too thin, they’ll break apart when you boil them. "

"Cut small circles into the rolled out thin dough. The Polish pierogie is like a huge Polish contractor, the Ukrainian varenyk is petite ballerina. Pull a circle from the dough and put a teaspoon of the filling in the center. Fold the dough over and pinch the half circle shut making sure you squeeze the air out."

[When you pinch it shut, give it a little twist to make sure it locks]

"Boil some water and salt it. Once at a light boil, add about 7 verenyky in there and keep the water in motion so they don’t stick to the bottom. Once they float, they’re ready. Take them out with a slotted spoon and throw a little melted butter on them so they don’t stick together."

[I found that they were better if I gave them another 30 seconds or so after floating]

Caramelize some onion. Don't you fucking dare add sugar to onion and turn up the heat. That is complete bullshit. Thinly slice an onion, mix it with a little oil, and stir it over super low heat for about 45 minutes. I thought these little bastards were fantastic and her instruction was excellent. I would highly suggest making them if you have nothing to do for an entire fucking day and feel like making insanely labor intensive snacks. Eat it.

Baltimore Fried Butterfish

2011-01-21T16:23:00.000-08:00

Butterfish, gutted
1c Flour
1/2c Old Bay
Vegetable Oil, a shitload

Some people, stupid ones, overlook this fish every damn day of their lives due to its size. Surprisingly there is a large amount of meat on the butterfish and it has a very high fat content, hence the name. There is only one appropriate way to prepare this fish and apparently I'm the only one that knows it, as usual. Luckily for you, I don't believe in intellectual property and dumbass "secret recipes" so I share everything willingly. If I had a restaurant I would hand out my recipes to all my customers. Why? Because they still couldn't make it better than me. That's how fucking awesome I am.

Mix the flour and Old Bay in a glass pie pan. Dredge your gutted butterfish in the mixture and and set them on a baking sheet. Heat enough vegetable oil in a heavy pan so it will cover 60% of each fish when you drop them in the pan. Some people use butter because of the namesake but this is moronic since the butter will burn well before your fish is done. Frying butterfish in butter is as dumb as using allspice in everything you make. While the oil is heating up on the medium setting, keep dredging the fishies every few minutes so you get a nice solid layer on there. Fry each fish for about five minutes per side depending on their size.

If your end result does not look like this, you fucked up. Once again, I didn't. Eat it.

How to Gut a Butterfish

2011-01-21T15:39:00.000-08:00

I was at a local fish monger today and I decided to pick up a few little butterfish that I have seen everywhere along the eastern seaboard. I told them I wanted them whole and not to fuck with my damn fish. The following is the conversation that transpired between me and the old dude in line next to me:

Old Dude - "You gonna gut that fish yourself son?"
Me - "Hell yeah."
Old Dude - "Why don't you want them to do it for you?"
Me - "Because I don't want them to fuck with my fish."
Old Dude - "You ever do it before?"
Me - "Uh, yes. The other day I butchered a bunny."
Old Dude - [raises brow] "Was it domesticated?"
Me - "Yeah, it was my daughter's pet but it pissed me off. Damn bunny."
[Fish monger hands me my shit]
Me - "Later Old Dude."
Old Dude - [silence]

Moral of the story: don't ask random people stupid ass questions.

Begin by scaling the fish. Mine were already scaled but if yours are not just take the backside of a knife move from tail to head in short 90 degree angle strokes. Do this on every square inch of the fish. Cut off the pectoral fins. Those are the ones on the side, dumbass.

The guts are all in the front of the fish and the anus is before the pelvic fin. I just lop off the pelvic fin, lay the fish on its side, insert the knife 1/4 inch before the anus, and slice that fucker up to its jaw as seen above. Don't start ripping shit out like a jackass. Take your index finger and thumb, and reach in to find where all the guts meet right before the head. Pinch that shit and rip it out in one fell swoop.

There will be some more shit attached to the backbone so reach in and rip that crap out too. There should be nothing remaining in the cavity.

Rip out the gills. Don't cut it. Use your hands like a goddamn man.

Waterboard the fish until it tells you the tastiest way to prepare it. It will think it can breath, but it can't since you ripped its gills out. They fold pretty quickly. Sissy ass fish. Don't eat it, yet.

Cheezy Asshole Sandwiches OR Guy Fieri is an Idiot

2011-01-19T16:38:00.000-08:00

I was walking down the snack aisle at the supermarket today and out of nowhere an eerie and almost unintelligible recording of Guy Fieri screams at me to buy some shitty Ritz crackers and make his dumbass new recipes. As I recoiled in horror the woman next to me fell to the ground and suffered a massive heart attack. I grabbed my beloved Cheeze-Its and got the fuck out of there before he showed up in person and started cramming Ritz crackers down my throat.

Later in the day I decided to check out his recipes and it turns out that all he did was take traditional sandwiches and put them on a stupid fucking Ritz cracker. This guy is a true pioneer. Cheesesteak, meatballs, pork, and chicken on a crappy little cracker. Thanks for letting us in on your culinary genius, dude. How fucking stupid do you think we are? He has as much respect for his viewers as the people who advertise during Maury. None. So it got me thinking, maybe I could work something out with Cheez-It so I would never have to use my brain ever again, just like Guy Fieri. I bring to you the innovative and ground breaking new series: Cheezy Asshole Sandwiches.

The Cheezy Turkey

The Cheezy BLT

The Cheezy Meatloaf

The Cheezy Breakfast

And finally, the Cheezy Hot Dog

So what do you say Cheez-It? This is the wave of the goddamn future. Let's do this shit and make millions. Eat it.

Meatloaf

2011-01-18T14:41:00.000-08:00

Onion, diced
Garlic, minced
Tomato, gutted and diced
Celery, sliced
Carrot, diced
1tbl Various Spices (I used a garlic-parsley-hot pepper mix from some Italian place)
Salt and Pepper
Bacon, thin cut
1.5lbs Ground Beef and/or Pork
1/3c Dried Breadcrumbs
2 Eggs, beaten
1c Mozzarella Cheese
1c Red Wine
6tbl Dark Brown Sugar

All that fancy foreign shit was fucking with my head so I had to make a loaf of meat in order to re-center myself. At first I thought I would make a pâté or terrine and it dawned on me that I'm a motherfucking American and my meatloaf is comprised of beef and pork meat, not livers, kidneys, and hearts. That shit is for freaks with stupid accents and archaic barbarian cultures.

Saute the onion, garlic, tomato, celery, and carrot until softened. At the very end, toss in your spices and give them some heat. Set aside the mixture to cool. Take a Pyrex loaf dish thing and place the bacon down widthwise. Set aside. In a large bowl mix the beef with the breadcrumbs, eggs, cheese, and vegetable mixture. Cram that meat in the bacon pyrex nice and tight. Place it in a 350 degree oven, uncovered, for 35 minutes. Pull it out, drain the grease, cover, and return to oven. In a small pot mix the red wine and dark brown sugar over medium heat. Let it boil and reduce while stirring regularly for about 17 minutes. After the loaf has been in the oven for 50 total minutes, pull it out, drain the grease, and pour the red wine reduction all over the top. Crank the oven up to 400 degrees and toss the loaf back in, uncovered, for another 10 minutes. Pull it out, drain, cool, and serve that bitch up. Eat it.

Scaloppine di Coniglio

2011-01-18T09:22:00.000-08:00

1/4c Flour
1tsp Various Dried Herbs
Bunny Belly
Rustic Bread
Extra Virgin Olive Oil
Parmesan

For most idiots the only meat that comes to mind when they hear scaloppine is veal. The average super genius, such as myself, thinks any thin cut of meat that can be flash fried. I had some bunny belly left over from my butcher job and I decided this was the perfect way to prepare it. As usual, I was right.

In a small bowl mix the flour and herbs. Run the bunny belly through to coat and let sit for a minute or two. Run it through the flour again and let it sit for another few minutes. You can use an egg wash like a fucking moron but in my experience egg washes have zero redeeming qualities. Egg washes can kiss my ugly fat ass. Fry the floured belly in a little butter over medium heat until browned. It should take about a minute per side. Drizzle some extra virgin olive oil over a slice of rustic bread, plop down your bunny belly, and top with a little Parmesan. Eat it.

Lapin à la Cauchoise

2011-01-17T20:29:00.000-08:00

1tbl Butter
Butchered Bunny
1/3c Heavy Cream
1/2c Dry White Wine
3tbl Dijon Mustard
1 Shallot, diced

I have a confession to make. I love French cuisine. It is elegant, simple, and decandent. No punchline here, people. I love French food and I am part French. There, I said it. This post will be serious so fucking pay attention. God forbid you might actually learn something.

Heat up 1tbl butter over medium heat and slightly brown a butchered bunny. Remove the bunny from the pan, and pour 1/3c heavy cream in the pan to deglaze. Remove pan from heat, return bunny to pan, coat in cream, and move the meat to a small casserole dish. Do not pour the excess cream into the casserole dish. In a small bowl whisk together the wine, Dijon, and shallot. Pour it over the bunny rabbit, cover, and bake at 300 degrees for 25 minutes. Uncover it, baste, and bake for another 17 minutes. Eat it.

How to Butcher a Bunny

2011-01-17T19:42:00.000-08:00

Bunnies are typically sold whole so you either have to ask the butcher to cut it up for you like a total sissy or you can do it your damn self like a fucking man. Extra points if you shot the bunny and double extra points if it was once a family pet.

This is what your bunny should look like after you decapitate and skin it. Right now I'm wearing my favorite pair of bunny fur slippers. SO comfy! If there are any internal organs remaining, cut them out and reserve for pâté.

Flip it on its back, grab one hind leg, and pull it out of the hip socket. Once you have separated it from the joint, make a clean cut through the flesh. Repeat this process with the arm on the same side. If you try and cut through the bone you will fuck it all up and probably choke to death while eating dinner. At the very least you will tear your esophagus and suffer massive internal bleeding.

Separate the rib cage from the rest of the body without cutting into the bone. The rib cage and neck can be discarded or used for stock. Slice the belly off in strips as seen above and reserve for scallopini.

Break the backbone in two places and slice along the separations. My backbone cuts here are pretty fugly but you get the idea. Now that you have dismembered your prey in a brutal manner, it's time to subject its mangled carcass to high levels of heat before you consume it for fuel. Get ready to eat it.

Salvation Sandwich

2011-01-14T11:08:00.000-08:00

Bacon
1 Egg
Cheddar Cheese
Redcoat Muffin
Mayo
3 Slices of Salami
8 Slices of Pepperoni

After a long night of dancing like a goddamn fool at the local trendy nightclub to whatever artistically devoid songs are at the top of the charts, the morning will demand deliverance from all those appletinis. Time to gather every pork product in the house and stack them on top of each other in a vain attempt at alleviation.

Cook the bacon, fry up the egg in the bacon grease, and melt the cheese on top. Toast the Redcoat muffin and slather on the mayo. Stack it all up and shove it in your stupid fat face.

Redemption never tasted so good. It's like Jesus bust a nut in your mouth and filled you will the Holy Spirit. Serve the Salvation Sandwich with a Bacon and Crab Bloody Mary for complete sanctification. Eat it.

Juicy Black Balls

2011-01-12T08:28:00.000-08:00

Ground Beef
White Cheese
Blackened Spice Mix

These Juicy Black Balls are filled with a creamy white love that will explode all over your face shortly after you plunge them into your salivating orifice while your husband video tapes it from across the room. It's just like your average Wednesday night but with less Craigslist.

Flatten some ground beef, plop down a hunk of white cheese, place another piece of flattened ground beef on top, and form it into a big ball. Repeat. Roll them in the blackened spice mixture and sear them on the stove top over medium-high heat. Finish them off in a 350 degree oven.

Cradle the Juicy Black Balls in your cupped hand as you bring them to your awaiting and willing lips. It will take a few nibbles before you are greeted by the virile filling so don't be surprised when it busts in your mouth. Eat it.

Nutty Chocolate Pork Rods

2011-01-07T09:16:00.000-08:00

4 Strips Bacon
2oz Dark Chocolate
1tbl butter
Diced Nuts

Chocolate covered bacon is nothing new but the common pleb stops there and if one is feeling particularly creative that person might add some sea salt. Don't fucking break your brains, guys. I, on the other hand, enjoy salty nuts so I got a few different kinds and had a four-way chocolate rod fest.

Cook your bacon in the oven at 375 degrees for 15 minutes. This way the bacon stays as flat as possible and cooks evenly. Make sure the bacon is nice and crisp. You don't want any limp pork rods. Over very low heat melt the butter and then stir in the chocolate until completely smooth. You can use a double boiler like a stupid shithead but it is completely unnecessary. Place the bacon strips on some wax paper and drizzle the chocolate over them. Top with the nuts and toss them in the fridge until hardened.

I used cashews, pistachios, Reece's Pieces, and pretzels. The latter two are not really nuts but whatever, I don't give a shit. You can copy me like a mindless idiot or you can think for yourself for once and add whatever the fuck you would enjoy on chocolate pork rods. Eat it.

Mister Crispy's America Melt

2011-01-06T16:59:00.000-08:00

1c Creamy White Sauce

1c Swiss Cheese, grated

6 Strips of Bacon, cooked and torn into pieces

1 Fatty American Sausage, cooked and sliced

.523lb Chicken Breast, cooked and diced

3 Slices White Bread

The Croque Monsieur is a croque of shit. A grilled ham and cheese? Oh, that's fucking brilliant. Only morons still use that term because they think that by saying ridiculous French words in a butchered accent they will sound cultured. Well guess what? I got culture coming out of my ass and it's called being a goddamn American. We make our own shit that is bigger and better than the crap the rest of the world makes and we don't give them idiotic names. Behold Mister Crispy's America Melt.

Mix the swiss cheese with the creamy white sauce. Mix all the meat products and toss with 1/2c of the cheesy sauce. Butter both sides of each slice of bread and pan fry them until golden brown. Take two slices and slather with cheesy sauce, top with the meat, and finish off with the rest of the cheesy sauce. If you are too fucking dumb to figure it out, one slice should remain dry. Put the meaty cheesy bread under the broiler until it browns and then make a damn sandwich.

The next time you hear someone order a Croque Monsieur at a restaurant, get up, throw your chair to the ground, and say "This is the greatest country in the history of human civilization and we eat Mister Crispy's America Melts not some bullshit grilled ham and cheese you fucking commie bastard!" Eat it.

Stuffed Log With A Creamy White Sauce

2011-01-04T19:48:00.001-08:00

1 Yellow Onion, diced

3 Garlic Cloves, minced

6oz Fresh Spinach

2 1/2c Swiss Cheese, grated

1/2lb Chicken Breast, cooked and chopped

6 Bacon Strips, cooked and torn into pieces

Bread Dough

1/2 Stick of Butter

1/4c Flour

3c Milk

1tsp Salt

This stuffed log is sure to please your lady of the hour especially when she gets a taste of the salty creamy white deliciousness you exploded all over the dish. Don't skimp on the sauce since the ladies are always impressed by overabundance. Trust me.

Saute the onion and garlic in some oil until fragrant and then throw in the spinach until slightly wilted. Remove from heat and stir in the cheese, chicken, and bacon. Divide your dough in half and roll each half out into a rectangle. Spread the filling out evenly, roll it over itself, and tuck the edges underneath to prevent any leakage. Place the logs seam side down on a pizza stone and bake at 450 degrees for 15 minutes.

Melt the butter over medium-low heat and whisk in the flour. Stir constantly for a few minutes and then slowly whisk in 3c of whole milk and 1tsp salt. Keep it over low heat until you reach your desired consistency. Deranged pretentious Francophiles call this a "béchamel" but since that sounds totally fucking stupid I call it a creamy white sauce.

Slice your stuffed logs widthwise and get your creamy white sauce all over that shit in short but powerful bursts. Be sure to have plenty of napkins on hand so it doesn't get all over your face. That would be embarrassing. Eat it.

Manaroni Pie

2011-01-03T10:16:00.001-08:00

2 Eggs, beaten
1/2pt Heavy Cream
2c Cheese, miscellaneous
7oz Ham Steak, diced
6 Bacon Strips, cooked and torn into pieces
8oz Macaroni, cooked
1/8c Breadcrumbs

Macaroni and Cheese sucks ass. I don't give a shit what kind of sissy hipster cheeses you add, it still blows. In fact, that crap makes it worse. My Manaroni Pie only differs from the traditional Macaroni and Cheese in one respect: an excessive amount of pork products. Big fucking surprise, huh?

Toss the first six ingredients in a large bowl and turn the mixture into a 10in pie pan. Are you still following or was that too fucking difficult for you? Evenly top the pie with breadcrumbs and bake it at 350 degrees for an hour. After 45 minutes lightly cover the pie with tin foil so the breadcrumbs don't burn.

Next time your woman says "Let's have Macaroni and Cheese for dinner" you can now assertively reply with "Fuck that. I'm sick of cheeses with stupid names like Brie and Fontina. This is America dammit and I want me some Manaroni Pie." You're welcome. Eat it.

Hood Rich Rice

2010-12-18T13:42:00.000-08:00

5 Strips of Bacon

1 Yellow Onion, diced

3 Garlic Cloves, minced

1 Jalapeno, minced

1c Rice

1/2tsp Paprika

1/2tsp Old Bay

1 3/4c Water

Blackened Catfish

Chesapeake Sausage, sliced and cooked

Shrimp, cooked with Old Bay

You already blew the family's welfare check on spinner hubcaps for your ramshackle Chevy Caprice but you got lucky and scored big rolling dice on the corner. Time to eat like ghetto royalty. This dish combines all the finest Mid-Atlantic housing project delicacies atop a bed of spicy bacon rice. So grab an OE, roll up a fatty grape flavored blunt, and let's do this shit.

Cook the bacon and remove it from the pan. Saute the onion in the bacon grease until softened. Add the next five ingredients and let it cooked until the rice is browned. Should take about five minutes. Pour in the water, cover, reduce the heat, and simmer until the water has been completely absorbed. Tear up the bacon and toss it into the rice. Top your spicy bacon rice with the catfish, sausage, and shrimp.

This meal is so ghetto fabulous I promise you will still be making it even if you do get up out the projects one day. Too bad we both know that record deal ain't happening but at least I hear you are up for a promotion to head cashier at McDonald's. Eat it.

Pimpin' Pizza Dough

2010-12-17T07:37:00.000-08:00

1 Packet Active Dry Yeast

1/2tsp Sugar

1/4c Hot Water

1c Whole Milk

1 Egg, beaten

1/2tsp Salt

3 1/2c Flour

This shit is money, yo. Bitches be workin' it day 'n' night at the corner store. Those trick-ass hoes know if they don't got my dough when I come around, they be takin' a one way trip to the bakery. Gots to get it.

Dissolve the yeast and sugar in the hot water in a big ass bowl for about 15 minutes. Add the milk, egg, and salt and mix that shit up. Stir in the flour one cup at a time. After about two cups you will need to start using your hands. Smack that triflin' bitch around, cover with plastic wrap, and throw it in the trunk of your Brougham until you can properly dispose of it. It usually takes a little over an hour to get to the housing development under construction outside the city. By that time it should be all bloated and about double the size.

Toss out your dough, spread out your sauce, strategically place your toppings, and finish it off with cheese. Bake it on a pizza stone in the lower half of a 500 degree oven for around 13 minutes. Eat it, you jive turkey.

Crimpacon: Breakfast Sandwich

2010-12-15T08:17:00.000-08:00

Bacon, lots

Eggs, beaten

Shrimp, cooked and smothered with Old Bay

King Crab

Jalapeno, minced

Cream Cheese, separated into little globs

Red Onion, diced

Mayo

Shitty White Buns

Ever since I created the Crabacon Series I was convinced it was the pinnacle of food evolution but I have proven myself wrong. That's the beautiful thing about evolution, it just keeps getting more badass and I'm the motherfucking orchestrator of its Intelligent Design. So without further adieu, I present the Crimpacon.

Cook up an assload of bacon and remove it from the pan. Pour your beaten eggs into the bacon grease and add the shrimp, crab, jalapeno, cream cheese, and some crumbled bacon. Scramble that shit up until the eggs are fully cooked and not a second longer. Once the mixture cools down a little bit, mix in the red onion. Cream up a shitty white bun, slam in your junk, and then put your mouth all over it.

While I am tempted to say it can't get any better than this, I will end up creating something even better and that frightens me. Not even I know what the future holds but you better believe I'm going to milk the Crimpacon for all it is worth. Eat it.

Myocardial Infarction Dog

2010-12-14T12:37:00.000-08:00

All Beef Hot Dog

Bacon

Roasted Chicken

Cheddar Cheese, grated

Mayo

Hoagie Roll

Red Onion, diced

The trifecta of chicken, beef, and pork holds a special place in my slow beating clogged black heart but those chicken, beef, and pork hot dogs are fucking nasty so I came up with the Myocardial Infarction Dog to satisfy my carnivorous cravings. It is getting more difficult for me to breathe with every word I type and my left arm is starting to tingle so let's begin.

Wrap the hot dog in bacon and pan fry it until the bacon is fully cooked. Remove the hot dog from the pan and toss the roasted chicken in the bacon grease until it warms up. Add your cheddar cheese and mix it up until it gets all melty and shit. Slather a hoagie roll with some mayo, plop down your bacon wrapped hot dog, spoon in the greasy cheesy chicken, and top with red onions. You gotta get your vegetables.

Before you sit down to eat, call 911 and notify them of your intentions so they can send the coroner right out. You don't want your neighbor to knock your door down three weeks later due to the smell and find that your ten cats have picked your bones clean. Eat it.

Beefy Barf Stew

2010-12-13T10:12:00.000-08:00

1lb Beefy Stew Meat
2 Yellow Onions, diced
3 Carrots, peeled and chopped
4 Celery Stalks, chopped
3 Garlic Cloves, minced
1tsp Dried Oregano
1tsp Dried Basil
1 14.5oz Can of Chopped Tomatoes
2c Dried Lentils
8c Water or Beef Broth or a Mix of Both
Salt & Pepper

Although this beefy barf stew looks like the end result of Christmas party tequila guzzling, it is actually the shit. Wait, I phrased that wrong; it's the projectile vomit. Since it takes little to no skill to make you will not even need to brush the thick layer of dust off your thinking-cap so leave that court-ordered helmet on your scarred misshapen head and let's begin.

Salt and pepper the stew meat, toss it in the largest pot you have, and brown it completely over medium heat. Remove the meat from the pot and saute the next six ingredients in the delicious meat juice until softened. Add the next three ingredients and bring it to a boil over medium to medium-high heat. Reduce the heat and let it simmer uncovered for an hour and twenty three minutes while stirring occasionally. Remove from heat and stir in a shitload of salt and pepper so it actually has some flavor.

Some people, idiots, swear by adding red or white vinegar to their bowl of lentil stew. These sissies need to grow a pair and throw in some Tabasco. The mellow heat and hint of vinegar are far superior to that plain jane bullshit. Close your eyes and eat it.

Crabacon II: The Return

2010-11-24T13:37:00.001-08:00

It's back bitches. You knew it wouldn't be long. Crab and bacon belong together like lines of cocaine and a stripper's tits. For the first Crabacon we made sandwich cakes but today we are going to make some hot dip. Just like your mother used to make when she was in her prime. Ah, memories. Let's begin:

Since Dungeness crab season is upon us once again, grab two of those fuckers and extract the meaty goodness. Start with the legs and move on to the bodies. If your tiny dinosaur brain can't figure it out and you need a tutorial, click here. Two crabs should yield about 2c of meat.

Make five strips of thick cut peppered bacon (not sweet cured, moron). Coarsely chop and set aside. In a large bowl, mix up 8oz softened cream cheese, 1/4c mayo, 4tbl white wine, 4tbl minced yellow onion, 1tbl prepared horseradish, and 1 minced clove of garlic. Gently fold in the crab and bacon.

Press the mixture into ramekins as seen above and don't leave any air pockets. You can use whatever the fuck dish you want. It doesn't really matter as long as you don't spread it out on a 13x9, dumbass.

Bake that shit uncovered at 350 degrees until the top is brown and bubbling, about 23 minutes. Put the ramekins on a baking sheet just in case you get any overflow. Serve with poofter bread or those sissy redcoat crackers.

Bow before the Crabacon. Eat it.

Tortured Baby Cow with a White Wine, Mushroom, and Shallot Deglaze

2010-11-22T20:21:00.000-08:00

"How can you eat veal!?! Don't you know what that poor little creature has been through?" Of course I do. That's what makes it so damn delicious. I am a fierce predator who consumes weaker species to ensure my survival. Fuck, I would eat a California condor egg omelette with dolphin steak and beluga whale caviar if I had the chance. At least the baby cow's short painful existence was not in vain. Godspeed little buddy. Let's begin:

Dredge 1/2lb of veal scaloppini strips in flour that has been salt and peppered. Fry them up in some butter over medium heat for about 45 seconds per side. Put them on a plate, cover with tin foil and set aside. Add 2tbl minced shallot (it's a type of onion, stupid) and 8-10 sliced white mushrooms. Once the mushrooms change color, dump in 1/2c of the chardonnay you bought at the gas station and scrape all the delicious little bits off the bottom of the pan. Let it simmer uncovered until it reduces, about 10 minutes.

"That looks incredibly appetizing..." Shut up! It may not look pretty but it is fucking delicious. Let the sauce cool slightly to thicken and then spoon it over your prey. Garnish with freshly grated Parmesan and/or Italian parsley. You can just taste the pain. Eat it.

Hippie Stoner Stuffing

2010-11-20T17:57:00.001-08:00

I made this hippie stoner stuffing years ago and since I am not going to make it this year I figured I would share it with you as Thanksgiving, a.k.a. Get as Fucked Up as Possible Day, is right around the corner. Most vegetarian stuffing recipes try to replicate the meaty version but this is moronic. The appropriate approach is to smoke some weed, turn the original concept on its head, and re-envision it. Let's begin:

Cook some wild rice. You will want 3/4-1c cooked. In a large pot melt one stick of your finest reefer butter and lightly saute your favorite fake sausage product with 1/2c sliced mushrooms, 1/2 diced onion, 1 1/2tsp Old Bay, 1/2tsp sage, and 1/2tsp thyme. Do not over cook it. In a large bowl toss the aforementioned crap with a day old loaf of French bread (torn into pieces), 1 small can of condensed cream of mushroom (or suitable substitute), 10oz vegetable broth, 1/4c dried cranberries, 1/2c pecans, and 1/2c diced apples. Put it all in a very large casserole dish. I think I used one of those huge disposable roasting pans but I can't really remember as I was totally faded. Get it baked at 350 degrees for about an hour. Eat it, hippies.

Dijon Horseradish Beef Roast

2010-11-20T12:08:00.000-08:00

'Tis the season for slow roasted beefy goodness atop a tender layer of root vegetables. This is the quintessential American winter dish and if you don't like it then go back to Russia and take your denim suits with you. Some people, stupid ones, attempt this hearty meal in a crockpot which is tantamount to urinating on the American flag while singing Justin Bieber songs. Don't fucking do it. Let's begin:

I don't like all those fancy pants weird ass hipster root vegetables so I just used four red potatoes, three carrots, and two yellow onions like a true patriot. Chop them into chunks and toss with a little vegetable oil and sea salt. Place them in a large shallow casserole dish, loosely cover with tin foil, and roast at 425 degrees for 45 minutes. Every twenty minutes or so pull them out and toss them with a spatula so they cook evenly and don't stick to your shit.
Yeah, this is the best picture I got. Appetizing, huh? In a small bowl mix 1/2c dijon mustard, 2tbl prepared horseradish, 1tbl red wine vinegar, 4 minced cloves of garlic, 1tsp black pepper, 1tsp oregano, 1tsp coriander, 1/2tsp thyme, and 1/2tsp sea salt. Smother your 2lb top round beef roast like a Mexican hooker and let it sit on the counter for 20 minutes. Heat up a little vegetable oil in a saucepan over medium to medium-high heat and sear that bitch for about 30 seconds on each side. You want to cook the sauce into the meat and give it a nice color.

Lightly place your seared roast on top of the root vegetables, place the dish back in the oven uncovered, and immediately drop the temperature to 250 degrees. Let it cook untouched for an hour and twenty minutes, turn off the oven, and let it sit in there for another half hour.

And there you have it, an easy as shit taste of the season. Now you are all ready for the Home Alone marathon while curled up on the couch in your leopard print snuggie, loser. Eat it.

Rachael Ray Inspired Late Night Bread

2010-11-13T12:23:00.001-08:00

After reading Rachael Ray's new earthshattering recipe, my creativity meter shot through the roof and I came up with my own brilliant culinary concoction: Late Night Bread. Let's begin:

Start by removing the little twisty-tie at the top of the bag. This can be tricky since it is not always clear which way you should twist it. Gets me every time. Pull out one slice of bread and place it on a plate. If you want to get crazy, try spreading on some butter. I would suggest toasting the slice of bread but that is probably way beyond your skill level, and mine. Eat it.

Bacon Maple Pumpkin Pie

2010-11-12T20:47:00.000-08:00

Every few thousand years an event occurs that shatters man's plebeian perceptions and forces him to reconsider his understanding of, and place in, the universe. This is one of those events. Any fucking moron can make a crappy pumpkin pie off the can, but it takes a true pioneer to envision a brighter future for humankind and act on it. Welcome to the New Era of pumpkin pie, bitches. Let's begin:

Behold the motherfucking Bacon Maple Pumpkin Pie and bask in its glory! Start by cooking 3/4lb of bacon. This may seem excessive to the common neanderthal like yourself but any less would be an abomination to the evolutionary process. Let it cool and dice the living shit out of it. Make a sweet pie crust. Use your family's secret pumpkin pie filling recipe and add 1/3c maple syrup. If your family refuses to pass down their pumpkin pie recipe to you due to that one fateful Thanksgiving when you got shitbrickhouse and dry humped the turkey on the dining room table, try this one or this one. Layer the bottom of your crust with diced bacon. Slowly pour in your filling and place it in a 375 degree oven for 55 minutes. Start checking it around 40 minutes to see if you need to put a tin foil tent over it so the crust does not burn. Do not let the tin foil touch the filling or you will fuck it all up, again. There may be some liquid at the top of the pie towards the end but this is just bacon fat and it will coagulate. To avoid this press the shit out of the bacon crumbles with paper towels before place them on the bottom of the pie. The second you take the pie out of the oven, give it a nice bacon ring as seen above. Let it cool completely. Eat it.